As an alcoholic, I have spent my time in recovery learning. I never want to get to a point where I believe I know it all. How arrogant that would be. Former Czech President Vaclav Havel once said, “Seek those that search for the truth and run from those that have found it.” We all need to be teachable. We all need a sense of humility.

Humility is being teachable. C.S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of ourselves but rather it is thinking of ourselves less.” Humility also relies on a strong sense of gratitude. What we have and who we are is directly due someone or something else in our lives. Ultimately all the gratitude goes to our Higher Power, because if it wasn't for this deity putting someone or something in our life, we wouldn't be who we are.

Presently, I know a couple of gentlemen who have come into some serious money, not because of something they did, but rather through inheritance. Yet, if you talked to either of these individuals you would swear it was because of their financial knowledge that they have what they have.

One is roughly my age. Since I've known him he has struggled to rub to pennies together. In the past he has been very impulsive with money. Very much like a kid in a candy store, he has to have it all. We kind of developed a love/hate friendship mainly because we were very similar with where we were with debt.

The major difference was his debt was self-inflicted. My debt developed through medical expenses. For me, it quickly spiralled out of control. My ex-wife had breast cancer and we were already on a razor thin budget when she started her treatment. In no time at all, my paychecks couldn't cover the co-pays nor her prescriptions. So I started using credit cards to help pay these bills, which in reality, only made matters worse.

Here I was in my mid 50's, with nothing to show for it. A house in need of major repairs. Cars that needed to be in top running shape so the ex could make all of her appointments and take me to work, and I had nothing in the bank. No emergency fund. 401-K? I borrowed the maximum I could on it.

At the same time, this friend of mine was using his credit cards to buy couches, stereos, and other junk, that in reality a person in their 50s shouldn't be so obsessed with. The clincher was his purchase of a towbar for the back of his car. He wanted it so he could haul his boat to the lake to go fishing! All well and good, but he didn't have a method to haul the boat, in fact, he didn't own a boat, in fact, in didn't own any fishing gear! Five years later he sold the car with the towbar! As far as the boat? He still hasn't purchased one, I doubt he has gone fishing anywhere – from a bridge, shoreline, anywhere!

Just a couple of years ago, he was on the verge of bankruptcy. Anyone who knew him kept telling him this was where he was headed, yet he knew better. For a little while he had a little humility. That quickly disappeared when his mother passed away and left him with just under $100,000. The sad part was that she died with him owing her over $30,000. The debt was forgiven by his two sisters, so in fact, he stole from their inheritance.

A new sense of I'm king of the world appeared and he purchased a home. All well and good, yet I question the logic of a person in their 60s purchasing a home? I just look back at my own home adventures. If you are a somewhat good handyman the costs can be kept at a minimum. But all your free time evaporates managing this investment. If you hire someone to do all these household projects, than you will regain your free time but lose your money.

Maybe it's just me but I'd rather spend some money on rent and not worry about managing a house. I find it very freeing not to worry about heat pumps or water leaks or anything else. Just a phone call away is the landlord and then it becomes his problem.

I will say the guy did follow a bit of my advice and saved some money. He put it in a long term CD, which doesn't have the greatest return, but at least he is trying. Yet just a couple of years later and he is moaning about how tight money has become.

Through it all I have never heard a word about paying his sisters the money that is rightfully theirs. Through it all I've never heard a word how hard his folks worked to make his life more comfortable. At 60 years old, he is living for the first time without the safety net of his parents money. He has got it all now and when that disappears, which I'm sad to say will happen, I wonder which one of his sisters will support him.

He worries about his legacy, yet he has no humility to try a clean up the wreckage of his past. Humility would have given him the gratitude to see how much he owed his parents. Not just for his inheritance, but also the unconditional love they showed him since his birth. In theory, the humility that started it all would have taught him that he needed to change and rely on his Higher Power for guidance. That the largest enemy to becoming the best version of himself... was in fact... himself.

Forget the illusion of power, forget the competition, forget the material. Instead focus on the growth that comes with humility and gratitude.

I Am I

If I am I because I am I
And you are you because you are you
Then I am and you are.

But if I am I because you are you
And you are you because I am I
Then I am not and you are not.

~Rabbi Mendel~

Recognizing Codependency

A lot of codependency looks very honorable to the outside world.  They see someone taking care of a sick spouse and see it as an act of love... but when does this giving love turn into receiving abuse?  There are so many extremes with it that a person quickly loss their own identity.

I have gotten so involved in making the life of another complete, that I have lost mine.  The image below is a chart with the extremes of codependency while the middle shows the traits of a healthy relationship. 

Codependency

so down and depressed
quit asking me to fix you
not in my power

they’re not my feelings
your responsibility
please take ownership

I can't fix myself
while I'm trying to fix you
only have one choice

when did your actions
make me feel responsible
for consequences

no apology
if I may share my feelings
they're not right or wrong

If I speak the truth
and you can not accept it
it's not my problem

sometimes I can't see
my own dreams through your nightmares
my life lost in yours

keeping your secrets
denial than depression
wanting my life back

Dreams of Yesterday

Oh the Dreams Of Yesterday, for me they will forever stay.  Great job or should I say career? A wonderful home, with fancy cars.  Everything that was preached to me as a child... so many dreams, but like the end of this poem wonders...
... or is life just one... continuing nightmare... where the true evil... is part of the dream

 

Dreams of Yesterday

remembering the dreams of yesterday
seen in a peaceful sleep
dreams with no worries
stress free… wonderful sleep
it seems so long ago
a war in a mind
that never is at rest
a mind occupied with thoughts
beyond… control

sheets thrown around
pillows sprawled across the floor
wake up in a cold sweat
wondering if another day
can be survived
spent so long being down
forgot how to feel…
happiness… love…

remembering the dreams of yesterday
at least… maybe they’re memories
of innocence and…
euphoric comfort
will those dreams ever return
or is life just one
continuing nightmare
where the true evil
is part of the dream

The 12 Steps... the poem

A simple poem I wrote about the 12 Steps and it is on the CD entitled '12'

they told me
"do the steps, all 12 of them
than... you'll find your Friend"
they went on to say
"believe me it will get
a little better... day by day"

Step One... there was nothing I could do
quite depressed... feeling blue
Step Two... I sought a new belief
slowly... it provided some relief
Step Three... answers I began to find
it brought about some peace of mind
Step Four... I looked deep inside
no longer did I want to run or hide
Step Five... I put my trust in Him
and told another all my sins
Step Six... I saw all the defects based in shame
I'd throw away all those old games
Step Seven... I found a gift in humility
a new world I'd see
Step Eight... a list was made when I searched my soul
years of abuse had took its toll
Step Nine... I began making amends
apologies was the only message I'd send
Step Ten... the truth was easy to see
an inventory would help keep me free
Step Eleven... my new Friendship was strong
with prayer and meditation days weren't so long
Step Twelve... I couldn't wait to share
and let others know we care

they spoke the truth
life did get better
I found peace within
which made the world
more peaceful and serene

Scars that don't heal

This was my first published poem and is included in my first book Damaged Merchandise.

 

In 1994, I surrendered to alcoholism. For the next two years I made amends and looked at my relationships.

After filing for a divorce, I casually dated and three different women shared with me the same belief. That they would rather be physically beaten instead of verbally abused.

Their reasoning was that over time, the scars from the physical abuse would heal - but those words said with an evil intent could last a lifetime...

One evening during the news,

I was shocked to see a young wife

she was beaten by her husband

her eyes black… her lips swollen

I wondered would she heal

I knew she was safe

the police… and the courts

would protect her

as I watched the screen

she cried and shook

and I wondered… would she ever heal

could she remember her wedding night

when her beau said… “I love you”

was it yesterday or an eternity

when he told her how beautiful she was

her battered face came to life

on the screen… I, too… started to cry

I wanted to hug her and comfort her

would this help her scars

what was said before she was beat

was she a whore… a slut… a cheat

shame sat in… as I realized “I’m sorry” wasn’t enough

weakness took over

realizing the pain of words spoken

and I wondered… would she ever heal

I don’t hit… nor own any guns

but I own a weapon far worse

words that come from me

with pain lasting longer than any hit

I think all will be well when… “I’m sorry”

comes after… “You’re useless”

“You’re a bitch” “I hate you”

I say with pride… I didn’t hit her

but the unknown scars run a lot deeper

living together is difficult

words become charged with threats and violence

my heart sinks deeper

the TV brings tears

I say… “I love you”

but the girl continues to cry

and I wondered… would she ever heal

that night… I kiss my wife

all was well and we were at peace

it was beautiful… it was magnificent

it was love

the mouth… and the tongue

can produce so much beauty

but as we hugged

I looked across the room

at a blackened TV set

realizing the evil that lurks within

and I wondered… would she ever heal

Spirituality and the 12 Steps

Through my time on the web, I have met some very interesting people. Some of these folks have become dear friends. I share a lot with you - my audience. But these people have seen a more personal side of me.

I share this little bit about this side of me and this site because for every one of these find folks, I also receive more than my share of notes that are full of anger, disgust, and some just plain fanatics.

One of the most vicious of these people talks about the 12 Steps being "devil worship." While praising God, he runs Bill Wilson into the lowest depths of hell. While praising the Lord in one breath, his next is filled with wishing death to every member of AA.

I tried a couple of times to chat with this person, in what I thought, was a diplomatic way. But how does that old saying go? You can't win a pissing contest with a skunk. I finally gave up and started praying for him. That isn't meant to sound self-righteous, but rather an act of survival. You see over our short time of dialogue, this person became my higher power. And the only way for me to become spiritually centered once again was by praying for that person. The more I prayed for him, the more my Higher Power came back into my life.

It was through these conversations that I began to go back in time to my early recovery and my search for a Higher Power. I knew everything I needed to know about the religious God. And quite honestly I wanted nothing to do with a God of the church.

I grew up in a Catholic home and went to a parochial school. The god I grew up with was one to be feared. A god you never questioned. One in which you should feel "blessed" even in the face of unjust punishment.

That was the god I grew up with and it was a god I didn't want in my life of sobriety. So I searched. I studied the ancient mythologies, eastern philosophies, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, as well as Native American beliefs.

What I believe today isn't as important as the journey I took to get to where I am at right now. It was a rewarding experience, one which I honestly believe my Higher Power encouraged.

It was because of this journey that my belief in the 12 Steps got stronger and I began to compare the 12 Steps to other thoughts. The most logical was the 10 Commandments.

The picture above, I created about two months into my sobriety. Just recently I took that original drawing and created my first computer graphic of it.

The 10 Commandments are broken down into two tablets. The first one has three commandments dealing with our relationship with God. The second tablet has the other seven commandments dealing with our relationships with our fellow man.

I took that thought and created one for the 12 Steps. The first tablet has steps one through three and deals with our journey of finding our Higher Power. The second has steps four through nine and deals with the actions necessary to correct our past. And the final tablet has steps ten through twelve and shows what we need to do to continue a life of sobriety.

Living Humbly

I believe the worst thing one person can do to another is to take them for granted.  This also holds true for our Higher Powers.

Last year, I learned how much strength can be obtained by being close to my Higher Power.

When my medical procedures started I was filled with fear.  A fear of the future and a fear of death.  I still remember the day, laying in a hospital bed for the third time in six weeks.  I didn't think I would walk out of that hospital.  My fear was replaced with peace and acceptance.

An acceptance and peace which was followed by love... a love that has stayed with me, now nearly a year after major surgeries.  And I pray that this love never leaves me... and it won't if I never take it for granted.

Living Humbly

Waking up brings excitement

the morning dew… a blissful scent

a magical day has begun

becomes more special with the rising sun

with every step become more alive

go for a walk instead of a drive

fragrance of flowers and the birds song

so grateful to come along

with nature… living in harmony

everything so magnificent to see

lay on the grass of Mother Earth

understand one's own worth

at night, when closing one's eyes

wonder? Was it a lie

in the morning will the beauty return

it will if remembered what was learned

we are transients in this time

and all will be fine

respect the gifts that God has bestowed

and your life will continue to grow

Excuses

Excuses.  You talk to an addict, you’ll hear a million excuses.  By addicts, I mean alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, shoppers, sex addicts, anyone who has an addiction has an excuse.  Let me clarify that.  Anyone that has an active addiction has an excuse.

When I drank, I had a million excuses.  “I worked hard.”  “If you had a wife or kids like mine, you’d drink too.”  “I’m not hurting anyone with my drinking.”  The list was endless and like a word processor, an excuse would pop out that was perfect for the circumstance.

Looking back at it all, a person can see how childish this behavior became.  And in time how unattractive and ugly it became.  Now that I am entering my senior years, I find it extremely unattractive when it is someone from my own generation.  Someone very close to me in age.  I just want to scream, “Come on!  Grow up!”

The ones who seem to bother me the most are the spenders.  The free wheelers, where money is no object.  Check that – where credit is no object.  They are quite proud of their ourselves when they flash a coupon for a free meal and still spend $20.  They are so excited to get a free t-shirt, yet they spend $10 to get it customized.  In one sense they are tighter then Alan Harper, but then the next minute they’re spending the money faster then big brother Charlie.

When that change starts is when you hear the excuses.  When Charlie pushes Alan to the side and takes control.

As a person who does his best to live the 12 Steps, I see these excuses a mile away.  It is the mind of an active addict.

Though different venues I met a gentleman who has a serious problem with spending money.  It is a problem because he has no money.  He lives for coupons and for no interest for a year purchases.  Then scrambles every month to make payments.

It’s almost comical if it wasn’t so sad.  You see, this person is in recovery from alcoholism.  He has a number of years sober and supposedly lives the 12 Step way.  Yet, when I mention the 12 Steps with debt he becomes angry – that little child inside fighting any type of help, with “you don’t understand.” 

The other night this man said that not everything is about the 12 Steps.  For those in recovery it is everything.  In fact, the end of the 12th Step says to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The 12 Steps demand rigorous honesty.  Active addicts can not be honest and they live from one excuse to the next.  For this person, it is one purchase to the next.  A life of drama.  A life of chaos.  A life of an addict.

A Reward Realized In England

This past holiday I had an Epiphany that actually started in a hospital bed in early November of 2014.  I was told by my girlfriend that I was “different.”  It was said in a loving way.  In fact, she made the comment before saying I was different with “Please don’t take this the wrong way.”  I didn’t take it the wrong way.  I was so happy to hear that.  She said that I seemed to be at peace and stress free.

After everything I have been through I would like to think that I am different.  And that difference is spiritual.  I am at peace.  I learned a lot about myself and my spiritual life.  That last hospital visit, I honestly thought would be my last visit that I would not walk out of that hospital.  I was in rough shape.  My body was in rough shape.  I was weak and physically sick.  I got to the point of looking at food made me vomit.

Nothing changed for three days.  By that third night, I had a very heart felt talk with my Higher Power.  I laid in bed and looked out in the hallway through the partially closed door.  I looked at the nurses station and watched as they were busy writing notes or checking on patients.

I thanked God for my life.  I thanked Him for the relationships I had in my life.  I thanked Him for my sobriety and for the opportunity of correcting the wrongs I inflicted on others while I was drinking.

I had tears in my eyes as I faced my number one fear.  And that was to die alone.  I laid in that bed, physically alone, but I was far from being alone.  I knew I was receiving prayers from members of various 12 Step Groups.  I knew I was in the thoughts of co-workers and family members.  Yes, I was physically alone but spiritually my heart was filled.

That night I found total acceptance.  I learned the true meaning of “Thy will be done.”  I let go and I let God.

The next morning the doctor who checked on me every morning came in with another doctor.  They looked over everything and agreed to another transfusion.  Whatever they want – go for it.  I accepted my powerlessness and let these workers of God do what they were trained to do.

Later that same day, the main doctor came back in the room and said he wanted to transfer me to the Heart Hospital.  I asked a very simple question.  “Will it really matter?”  For the first time, that doctor sat down and explained everything to me.  What was going on and why my body was doing what it was doing.

It felt good that he told me all of this but I wasn’t excited.  I wasn’t getting my hopes up… I was just going to stay with “Thy will be done.”

Well, two days after the transfer I had two liters of fluid removed from my heart and everything instantly improved.  And what I was truly grateful for was the feeling of acceptance had stayed with me.

That last hospital stay has put life in perspective for me.  It’s not about money.  It’s not about possessions or even the amount of friends we have.  It is about gratitude.  To wake up and smell the roses and watch God’s creation around us every moment of everyday.

Having friends without buying them

During my partying days I bought many friends. These friends I would spend every waking moment with. Looking back at it, I can see they weren't friends. I bought their friendship.

They became my hostages. Whether it cost me a case of beer, or a bottle of whiskey, or an ounce of pot, or a gram of coke... I knew how to attract and keep friends. A little party and a lot of money.

I mention this little bit of my past because I know some people who still live like this. I'm not talking alcohol or drugs... rather parties involving food... dinner parties. Their friend has them over for a nice barbecue and instead of just accepting it as something friends do for each other, they feel obligated to pay back with an equally nice barbecue.

They go to a barbecue that had potato chips, hot dogs, and cheeseburgers. He can't have a party that is the same, his needs to be grander... his needs to be a party people will remember for a long time. His party has rib eye steaks, baked potatoes, and corn on the cob.

The idea of giving your friends a nice night is fine if you can afford it. Just doing it to outdo someone else doesn't bring happiness. It shows insecurity. I know that this person did not have the money to throw this simple party... the reality was that this person would have had a hard time just throwing together a hot dog barbecue.

This guy justified his barbecue by saying he could have used a credit card to pay for it and it would be even more expensive... so instead this 50 year old guy borrows money from his parents to have his party.. I use the term “borrows” loosely because I doubt this loan will ever be paid back. I mean, why pay it back? It's family right?

I share this story because this was me years ago. Nowhere in my thinking did I ever understand that I didn't need to do these things. It was OK to do without. There was nothing wrong with not having a barbecue. No one even needed to know I didn't have money... yet I always seemed to have to put on a show that was better then yours.

Bigger TV's, bigger stereos, newer cars... it was all for show. I had no money but the illusion gave me a sense of worth and part of that illusion was that I was better then you.

These thoughts of money and possessions never brought me happiness. It is an old saying but it is very true – money can't buy you happiness. Today, I do have a little money and I am happy. I don't shower friends with it, yet if someone has a legitimate need for it I will help them out.

You might think the highlight of my year is going to England... it is up there. Yet, what I enjoy just as much is being able to give money to my kids and help them and their families have a nice Christmas. And also giving money to The Salvation Army, helping an unknown family have a Christmas as well.

Don't let money own you or own your friendships. In my opinion, the best way to have money is to be humble, to have a sense of humility, and to be grateful. Because what you have today can easily be gone tomorrow...

For The Grace of God

Yet... for the Grace of God there go I. I go through different phases in my life where I begin to take my sobriety for granted. Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to drink, its just that at times I forget how truly an amazing gift I have been given. When this gratitude disappears I'm quickly put in the humility chair and reality slaps me in the face.

My landlord recently put a new window air conditioner in my apartment. It's a small apartment, so a window unit does the trick. Well the person who put it in is nothing more then skin and bones... very much what I looked like when I quit drinking. For me, my 6'4” frame held 130 pounds. I'm not sure if this guy even weighs that much.

Anyway, he came to put in the new unit but first he had to remove the old one. As he walked past me I could smell the booze and I went from relaxed to worried. I'm on the second floor and watching him battle the old unit out of the window and nearly fall backwards was about more then I could handle.

Then to watch him reinstall part of the window, which wasn't needed with the old unit, I had visions of him falling through the glass and me calling 911. The window finally went in and then the new air conditioner was battled into place. On the side of the unit, fresh new drill holes that were made trying to secure the outside frame. Heck with using the pre-drilled holes, let's make new ones!!!

Amazingly he left in one piece and the unit is working. I then went back in time when I was delivering furniture for Montgomery Wards. Every house I went into I was drunk. Hauling refrigerators into basements or upstairs. Fine furniture which the new owners didn't want a scratch on. How many of those folks wondered what kind of damage I would do to their property or to myself.

As I closed the door, my heart became filled with gratitude. So very thankful for the gift of sobriety. I thought of myself. After doing a job like that, I would head to a bar and continue my day long drinking adventure. Everyone I met would here about how hard of a day I had putting an air conditioner in a window.

The last thing on my mind at 5 PM would be dinner. Tonight though, that is all I can think about. As this person was thinking about his next drink, I was in my little kitchen, making a meat sauce for ravioli and in the oven will be a couple of pieces of baked garlic bread. And to drink? Iced Tea.

When I got sober, I had two goals. One was to never willing hurt another human being ever again. The second goal was to have a boring life. By boring, I mean the drama, the headaches, the blackouts, and everything else that lead to an insane lifestyle.

Having a boring life is actually quite exciting... and I thank God everyday for this boring life of mine.

ACOA Step Three

The third step of ACOA says that we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

Growing up in an environment of anger, rage, alcohol, and most of all fear, it is hard to understand this step. I grew up realizing that I was the only one in charge of my life. No matter how dysfunctional that life may have been... it was still a life I could control. By that I mean I could protect myself.

The first time I ran away I was maybe five years old. I crossed a main road that I was told never to cross. I walked past the A&P Grocery store and kept walking. I crossed a second road and began my journey to a new life. Where was I going? Up to the Palisades Park. To me, that was a place of peace and beauty. Right next to the Hudson River, I could spend my time looking over the water and into New York City. How I would get across an Interstate Highway and then go down a narrow road to the park wasn't a concern of mine.

At that time, I didn't care about any of that. I just had to get away from the insanity. I had my little red wagon, a couple of sandwiches in it and some snacks and I was on my way. Later, I would learn that my father kept saying, “he'll turn around.” But I didn't. Finally, from behind a tree stepped a brother and my hour or so of freedom was over. They followed me shortly after I left. I never knew they were there. At that time, my total focus was on getting to the park.

I think of that time and the time I tried suicide when I was nine or ten. I hated my childhood... I hated my life. And as much as I hated it, I still had some control over it.

The idea, as a child, to give my will up to a god crossed my mind numerous times and more then once I tried it. And every time I was slapped in the face. I learned that god didn't care about truth, the god I grew up with only cared keeping the family secrets.

So as I grew, I fell further and further away from that god. The fear of hell didn't scare me, I already grew up in it, could it really be much worse?

Though this attitude worked OK as a child and even as a teenager... it started to become a ball and chain around my neck as I entered adulthood.

It wasn't until I fell hard from alcoholism that my life started to change. Yet, the more it changed, the more I felt that something was still missing. When I started looking at the 12 Steps of ACOA, things started to come together.

By turning my will and my life over to God, it relieved me of the power my parents still had on me. I carried the anger of my childhood for way to many years. And by holding on to the past, I kept my parents in my life. It gave me a reason to be a victim. I didn't have to be responsible for my actions because I survived a violent childhood.

By turning my will and my life over to God, I learned to accept my past. The anger left. Forgiveness? That didn't come right away, in fact it took years for that to come. Yet, at the beginning of this journey just getting to the point of acceptance was good enough for me.

With acceptance I was able to start living life on life's terms, which meant taking responsibility for my actions and to quit being the victim of this world.

Powerful mice...

"Others sighing and crying claim inability, proclaim their dependence, announce their overall victimisation and successfully control through weakness. They are SO helpless. They need your cooperation so badly. They  can't live without  it. Sometimes the weak are the most powerful manipulators and controllers.  They  have learned to  tug at the guilt and pity strings of the world."

 Melody Beattie  'Codependent No More'  p76

I feel a certain tension when I am with certain people.  'Tension'  as in I feel slightly confused in their company. I have recently come to realise why this is. It is a lack of honesty. It is manipulation/control on an interesting scale! 'Interesting' as in the perpetrators come across as so 'sweet', 'gentle', softly spoken  and polite.  The realisation that some are absolute masters (or think they are!) of manipulation has slightly thrown me!

I now recognise and understand what my wonderful Uni professor taught me, that a 'tension' will often exist where there is dishonesty and underhandedness. He pointed out that we may not be aware what is wrong but something IS wrong. There is a tension - a tugging between what our rational mind is seeing yet our intuition and soul is feeling!

If I am dealing with somebody in an area of life where I expect to have to be on my guard - perhaps when buying a financial product or a second hand car, then I accept that there may be an element of well taught manipulation - as in how to manipulate when appearing not too! 

However, to have to be on my guard with a 'friend'? Strange!

I find that a simple 'What's your real point?' or 'What do you really want?' usually nips it  in the bud and throws the manipulator off course !

I would imagine much of such behaviour is fear based and even subconscious ? For that I have compassion, but I hope to not allow that compassion let such individuals control me,  UNLESS of course, it is in my interest to let that person believe I am totally unaware of their manipulation/control tactics!

Which then begs the question...who is manipulating who??!!! 

Aha!!!.....The not so saintly Snowie!

Blessings!
S.

Wilting...

I am not  a gardener but I imagine that  snowdrops flourish in the Winter? Maybe that's just  my crazy  logic, but  it  is what  I have always assumed!

Well !!  This Snowdrop is not currently flourishing this Winter...she is wilting!!!  She is worn out !

Had a traumatic time a couple of months ago and was forced to rest  - rest alot!!!!  Put  myself  in my Doctor's caring hands and rested!

 It  actually felt good to be 'powerless' over quite a few things that I would normally try to control or  feel I had to do for others! I was completely powerless. I had no energy to take on other people's stuff. Was having a tough enough time dealing with my own!

I want and need to regain that 'feeling'. It  felt  good. It  reminded me I am nobody else's Higher Power. That  is not  my  job.

It's God's.

Blessings, Snowie.

An Attitude of Gratitude

The Law of Attitude states that it is our outlook that determines whether we have a problem or not...

Attitude is the reason for peace and happiness or uncertainty and confusion... the choice is ours.

An Attitude of Gratitude

my shoestring broke... so frustrating
then I saw a man with no feet
he seemed happy and at peace
I was grateful for the both of us

my car broke down and I had to walk
then I saw a lady in a wheelchair
she had a beautiful smile
it was contagious

I smiled and felt relaxed
happy to have a home
maybe it was small and not the best
yet... it was still home

I was grateful for a job
not always fulfilling
yet... it paid the bills
it brought me dreams

I was thankful for my mind
after years of abuse
still able to think
a journey full of hopes

that attitude of anger has disappeared
the bitterness and frustration also gone
replaced with gratitude
thankful for what I have
as well as what I don't

Nothing good came from the Closter Rec

Awhile back I was on Facebook on a page dedicated to the town I grew up in. Many of the people on that page are ten to twenty years older then me and I really can't relate to much they say. Some times though, a conversation will stir some old memories of past happy times.  And I will share my thoughts with the group on what I remember.

Sadly for me though, is how many people have fond memories of the town's old drinking establishment.  They show pictures of the bar.  A bar where I had my first “legal” drink.  They'll show the old pool table and the bowling alley in the background.

The picture though that I hate the most, that makes me physically ill, is a picture of an old phone booth inside the bar.  It just sends chills down my spine.  So many times I would call that phone begging dad to come home.  At first, I would call hoping to catch him before he got drunk.  Which was a mistake.  He would come home, angry at me and angry at mom.  He would yell and scream and eventually the hitting would start.

In time I learned that if I called I wouldn't wait for him to pick up the phone.  I would just hang up. He'd still come home angry and upset but no one would assume responsibility for the call and he'd quickly calm down.

I hated that bar.  Behind that bar on a cold February morning my mom's body was found, frozen to the ground.  A bottle of Scotch in her pocket.  She died the way she lived – drunk.

How many more families died in that bar?  I know an old girl friend's family was destroyed in that bar, as well as her own life was destroyed because of that bar.

The people on that Facebook page speak about it like it's a shrine.  To me it represents hell and I wish they would have just burnt it to the ground.  At least I can find solace in knowing that the new owners are not keeping the bar alive.  They are creating a new business but I do wonder if the ghosts of broken families from the past will haunt that building.

No bar, no pub, no tavern should become a shrine or a place of worship.  For the happiness it supposedly brings, the pain seems to linger a lot longer.

In a round about way, I needed the pain of that bar to see how special and wonderful life can be without it.  I used to know my way around any community by where it was located in reference to a bar.  Now I don't know the names of any bars or where they are located.

Thank God for sobriety and thank God for not needing the friendships found while I have a drink in my hand...

Money can't buy spiritual peace

The picture above is something I made for the CreatingDreams Facebook Page. I made it because of my strong belief in the truth of it.

You can not enjoy finances without a spiritual life.  And true financial growth will never occur without a spiritual presence in your life.

All in all, I do believe that is the whole idea of 12 Step groups.  It gets us closer to our Higher Power...

We found we could not place money first.That is so easy to say.  Worry more about your spiritual growth before worrying about money.  Yes, easy to see... yet very difficult to accept for anyone early in sobriety.

I doubt anyone goes into Alcoholics Anonymous on sound financial footing.  Alcoholism and drug addiction cause serious financial problems for everyone.  Many are ashamed with how out of control their spending became.  We needed booze, we needed drugs, we needed them more then food, more then a home, basically more then security.

My first sobriety I was deep in debt and it became my top priority to fix that mess.  Amazingly, I did it in two years.  After this was accomplished you would think that I would have been stress-free and totally at peace.

Quite the contrary.  I became a workaholic and a rageaholic.  I paid my bills but my recovery was nothing more then substituting one drug (alcohol) for another (work.)  I still had no inner life.  I had no peace or serenity.  Without that serenity, without that peace, I had no chance to find a Higher Power.  Without an inner life, long term sobriety wasn't possible.  Looking back at it, I'm amazed I stayed clean and sober for a little over five and a half years.

In 1994, I started my second journey in recovery.  This journey was entirely different then the first.  The first didn't work, so why try the same thing again?  This time I went to counseling, I went to AA and I listened.  I believed that everyone was brought to that place and that time to help me on my journey.  And what is the journey?  To get close and stay close to my Higher Power.

By listening, I learned early on that the people who seemed to be the happiest and the most at peace were the ones who had a spiritual center.  I wanted that peace and serenity.  So I went to work building my spiritual foundation.

I still worried about my finances but they never became an obsession.  Slowly, with the help of my Higher Power, my fiances got back in order and they stayed that away until I began to wander away from my Higher Power.

Three years ago, I left my marriage and inherited a mountain of debt from it.  An overwhelming about of debt.  Strangely though, it never overwhelmed me.  I reconnected with my Higher Power and just have that spiritual centerness back in me worked miracles.

With renewed confidence in my abilities, I worked myself back out of debt.  Like I had with a second chance at sobriety, I have been blessed with a second chance with my Higher Power.  Something, I will never take for granted again.  I have learned and relearned that material well-being is nothing compared to spiritual serenity.

Yet another teaching I am thankful for...

As Henry Fielding once said, "The slander of some is as great a recommendation as the praise of  others".  

Oh! How I have come to realise this! I used to be so  concerned and upset  if  anyone said anything  nasty about me! It used to really bother me! Even if the sickest nastiest person in the world said something horrible about me I would be distraught! I would feel absolute terror. I HAD to make them like me.

The 12 Steps, developing a very close relationship with my Higher Power, and, a very wise AA sponsor in the early stages of my recovery, taught me it's not the end of the world.   She used to say "Snowie! Why do you care that such a person thinks/talks ill or bad of you ?"  She was SO wise. 

Alanon & Acoa further developed those beliefs and feelings within me.  I am so thankful. Kindly worded constructive criticism from a genuine caring loving trustworthy source is welcome and can be so helpful at times. The rest? No thanks! 

I guess that now, I hopefully have a healthier sense of 'self'. A healthy sense of who Snowie is and to not allow her to be buffeted by the winds of people's opinions.

Of course there will be times when faced with criticism delivered in an unhelpful way - say for instance from a Boss, that it may have to be endured. There are bills to pay! However such criticism is NOT who we are. 

Thank you AA! Thank you Alanon & Acoa! Thank you Higher Power! 

'Belittling criticism' only serves to belittle the critic. This I know from experience. I was not always an Angel myself in this area! Belittling others only ever truly belittled me.

Blessings !

S.