As an alcoholic, I have spent my time in recovery learning. I never want to get to a point where I believe I know it all. How arrogant that would be. Former Czech President Vaclav Havel once said, “Seek those that search for the truth and run from those that have found it.” We all need to be teachable. We all need a sense of humility.

Humility is being teachable. C.S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of ourselves but rather it is thinking of ourselves less.” Humility also relies on a strong sense of gratitude. What we have and who we are is directly due someone or something else in our lives. Ultimately all the gratitude goes to our Higher Power, because if it wasn't for this deity putting someone or something in our life, we wouldn't be who we are.

Presently, I know a couple of gentlemen who have come into some serious money, not because of something they did, but rather through inheritance. Yet, if you talked to either of these individuals you would swear it was because of their financial knowledge that they have what they have.

One is roughly my age. Since I've known him he has struggled to rub to pennies together. In the past he has been very impulsive with money. Very much like a kid in a candy store, he has to have it all. We kind of developed a love/hate friendship mainly because we were very similar with where we were with debt.

The major difference was his debt was self-inflicted. My debt developed through medical expenses. For me, it quickly spiralled out of control. My ex-wife had breast cancer and we were already on a razor thin budget when she started her treatment. In no time at all, my paychecks couldn't cover the co-pays nor her prescriptions. So I started using credit cards to help pay these bills, which in reality, only made matters worse.

Here I was in my mid 50's, with nothing to show for it. A house in need of major repairs. Cars that needed to be in top running shape so the ex could make all of her appointments and take me to work, and I had nothing in the bank. No emergency fund. 401-K? I borrowed the maximum I could on it.

At the same time, this friend of mine was using his credit cards to buy couches, stereos, and other junk, that in reality a person in their 50s shouldn't be so obsessed with. The clincher was his purchase of a towbar for the back of his car. He wanted it so he could haul his boat to the lake to go fishing! All well and good, but he didn't have a method to haul the boat, in fact, he didn't own a boat, in fact, in didn't own any fishing gear! Five years later he sold the car with the towbar! As far as the boat? He still hasn't purchased one, I doubt he has gone fishing anywhere – from a bridge, shoreline, anywhere!

Just a couple of years ago, he was on the verge of bankruptcy. Anyone who knew him kept telling him this was where he was headed, yet he knew better. For a little while he had a little humility. That quickly disappeared when his mother passed away and left him with just under $100,000. The sad part was that she died with him owing her over $30,000. The debt was forgiven by his two sisters, so in fact, he stole from their inheritance.

A new sense of I'm king of the world appeared and he purchased a home. All well and good, yet I question the logic of a person in their 60s purchasing a home? I just look back at my own home adventures. If you are a somewhat good handyman the costs can be kept at a minimum. But all your free time evaporates managing this investment. If you hire someone to do all these household projects, than you will regain your free time but lose your money.

Maybe it's just me but I'd rather spend some money on rent and not worry about managing a house. I find it very freeing not to worry about heat pumps or water leaks or anything else. Just a phone call away is the landlord and then it becomes his problem.

I will say the guy did follow a bit of my advice and saved some money. He put it in a long term CD, which doesn't have the greatest return, but at least he is trying. Yet just a couple of years later and he is moaning about how tight money has become.

Through it all I have never heard a word about paying his sisters the money that is rightfully theirs. Through it all I've never heard a word how hard his folks worked to make his life more comfortable. At 60 years old, he is living for the first time without the safety net of his parents money. He has got it all now and when that disappears, which I'm sad to say will happen, I wonder which one of his sisters will support him.

He worries about his legacy, yet he has no humility to try a clean up the wreckage of his past. Humility would have given him the gratitude to see how much he owed his parents. Not just for his inheritance, but also the unconditional love they showed him since his birth. In theory, the humility that started it all would have taught him that he needed to change and rely on his Higher Power for guidance. That the largest enemy to becoming the best version of himself... was in fact... himself.

Forget the illusion of power, forget the competition, forget the material. Instead focus on the growth that comes with humility and gratitude.

Haunted Houses

Within the past year I have watch two horror shows about haunted houses. One was, The Haunting Of Hill House and the other was The House On Haunted Hill. Part of the idea behind both films is that the houses were alive. The Haunting had some good “lives” in it, that made a tree house for a little boy. It created little sanctuaries for a girl to have tea parties. Yet, the house also had evil lives.

That little boy with the tree house? He also had a faceless man, who floated three feet above the ground, with a cane, who followed him everywhere. The symbolism of this little boy’s story was quite powerful. In adult life, this boy became an alcoholic/addict. That ghost who followed him? Was his addictions… his crutch (cane) on life.

The little girl who had little tea parties (with a dead little girl’s ghost), briefly died because of poison in her tea. Years later as an adult she described what she saw in the afterlife. Nothing. A grayish black space in time, where she couldn’t see anything or feel anything. Nothing was alive.

This story of her death hit home with me. It reminded me of my suicide attempt and was an exact description of what I saw and felt. Except with one added element. My parents. As I tried to see in that grayish black void, I could barely see my mom’s hands pushing me away. She was sobbing and saying, “Noooooooo… not now.” In the background was my dad, yelling in my mom’s ear and pointing at me. “I told you he was worthless… this is your fault.”

It was from this attempt that suicide never entered my mind again. That suicide attempt took place in the little town of Tamora, Nebraska. The house I lived in was pure evil. Like my childhood house, the man of the house was evil. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, you name it… there was evil.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming that house for my actions. Or the actions of my parents on my childhood home. I am saying that when a house experiences evil, it never leaves. The evil lives in those walls for all eternity.

I saw my mom bleeding from wounds inflicted by my father. That was over 50 years ago, but the memory is still there. And somewhere in that house is a drop of blood that was never found. Somewhere on a heating pipe in the basement is some of my mom’s skin from a burn on her leg.

Did the next owners of that home experience the evil that lurked within? I don’t know, even if it has been a perfectly peaceful residence, those walls will always have a touch of evil within them.

What is important for a person who has lived in an evil house is not to forget it. You can forgive the evil, but you shouldn’t forget it. I tried to forget it and it didn’t work. I became an alcoholic and just as abusive as my father.

By letting go of the secrets, the power of the past is defeated and evil dies. My evil died when I quit drinking. And then the shame of my actions began to lessen when I realized that the evil I did when I drank was not present in my sober life.

The evil I did will live forever in the walls of the homes I lived in. Those homes, like my own, are deep in our minds, no longer buried, no longer hiding. They are right next to me. They remind me how easy evil can come alive when I drink. And those memories have kept me sober for over a quarter of a century.

Too Many Enemies

Their are people who treat me like my last drink was yesterday.  These people expect me to beg for forgiveness for the rest of my life.  I don't mean to sound cold, but I asked many years ago and it wasn't accepted.  I acknowledged their pain - the pain that I inflicted - what else is expected of me?
I've never expected anyone to forget my past.  There was a lot of damage and a lot of hurt.  But the worst thing for an alcoholic is to dwell on the past.  I never want to forget it - I don't want history to repeat itself - but I can't live in the past either.  I've tried my best to move on, but some will always see me as just a sick drunk.

 

Too many enemies

time goes to fast…
yet… now it moves to slow
no happy medium
and the time runs out

just waiting… waiting…
for a ray of hope
a light in the tunnel
that is still pitch black

hard to keep faith
hard to move forward
when surrounded by doubt and fear
more then just paranoia

walls continue to cave in
finding strength… gets harder
securing answers
with still more questions

is failure part of destiny
or the creation of a new hell
built on false pride and denial
a journey of pain

can not accept the easy way
martyrdom a strong badge
difficult to cut free
but… why

Dreams of Yesterday

Oh the Dreams Of Yesterday, for me they will forever stay.  Great job or should I say career? A wonderful home, with fancy cars.  Everything that was preached to me as a child... so many dreams, but like the end of this poem wonders...
... or is life just one... continuing nightmare... where the true evil... is part of the dream

 

Dreams of Yesterday

remembering the dreams of yesterday
seen in a peaceful sleep
dreams with no worries
stress free… wonderful sleep
it seems so long ago
a war in a mind
that never is at rest
a mind occupied with thoughts
beyond… control

sheets thrown around
pillows sprawled across the floor
wake up in a cold sweat
wondering if another day
can be survived
spent so long being down
forgot how to feel…
happiness… love…

remembering the dreams of yesterday
at least… maybe they’re memories
of innocence and…
euphoric comfort
will those dreams ever return
or is life just one
continuing nightmare
where the true evil
is part of the dream

Celebrating Life... real life

September. A month that holds new beginnings and life for me. On the 3^rd, I’ll celebrate one year of wedded bliss, in my new home – England. On the 4^th, I’ll give thanks as I will celebrate 22 years of continued sobriety and on the 15^th I’ll celebrate the gift of life as it will be two years since I had open heart surgery.

After reading what I just wrote, I sit here shaking my head in disbelief and in awe. I have been blessed with an amazing sobriety. It hasn’t always been perfect or picturesque but where I am today I realize that nothing would have happened without the “hiccups” along the way.

In twenty two years I have had two divorces. Whose fault was it? It doesn’t matter anymore, what matters is that I took that leap of faith and started a new life with absolutely no plan for the future.

When I got sober I was living in Seward, Nebraska and had a pretty good job and the security that came with it, yet I packed up and moved a 100 miles away and started life again. For the next 19 years, I called Beatrice, Nebraska home and went to new heights in sobriety and my work life. I was given so many responsibilities and used each one to further my career.

I had a simple life. The last six years in Beatrice, I lived in a small apartment, once again learning how to be a bachelor. I got out of debt and started travelling. No small journals. Big Ones. Across that little pond to the east that we call The Atlantic Ocean. I went to England. And after one visit I knew that somehow, some way, England would eventually be my home.

Not only do I love the country but I also fell in love with a certain person from that country. This gorgeous lady became my wife in 2015. While we live in England, we got married in Nebraska, so both of our birth countries will be forever a part of our lives.

When I got sober, I was scared, alone, and looking at spending some serious time in jail for actions that any

sober person would. Nowhere in my wildest dreams did I picture myself as an author. Nowhere in my wildest dreams did I see myself as the creator of two musical CD’s.

I never thought of life as being “alone.” In reality, I was scared to be alone. Yet, I learned how to do that the last six years I lived in Nebraska and I learned to enjoy and love my own company.

When I landed in Beatrice, Nebraska, I thought that this was it. As in, my final home, my final job. I was content to just live life in a manner that for me was a slow death.

So, once again, I threw caution to the wind and took that leap of faith and landed in England. And so far, that leap of faith has been wonderful.

The point is that sobriety has its fears and uncertainties, yet if I didn’t take a leap of faith and believe in my Higher Power, I probably would have ended up drunk again. I may have been able to stay sober without a Higher Power, yet I wouldn’t have enjoyed anything that life brought me.

I know I wouldn’t have written books, without a Higher Power. I know I wouldn’t have created musical CD’s without a Higher Power. I know I would have never ventured to England without a Higher Power.

And I doubt I would have survived my heart surgery without a Higher Power.

The 12 Steps... the poem

A simple poem I wrote about the 12 Steps and it is on the CD entitled '12'

they told me
"do the steps, all 12 of them
than... you'll find your Friend"
they went on to say
"believe me it will get
a little better... day by day"

Step One... there was nothing I could do
quite depressed... feeling blue
Step Two... I sought a new belief
slowly... it provided some relief
Step Three... answers I began to find
it brought about some peace of mind
Step Four... I looked deep inside
no longer did I want to run or hide
Step Five... I put my trust in Him
and told another all my sins
Step Six... I saw all the defects based in shame
I'd throw away all those old games
Step Seven... I found a gift in humility
a new world I'd see
Step Eight... a list was made when I searched my soul
years of abuse had took its toll
Step Nine... I began making amends
apologies was the only message I'd send
Step Ten... the truth was easy to see
an inventory would help keep me free
Step Eleven... my new Friendship was strong
with prayer and meditation days weren't so long
Step Twelve... I couldn't wait to share
and let others know we care

they spoke the truth
life did get better
I found peace within
which made the world
more peaceful and serene

Spirituality and the 12 Steps

Through my time on the web, I have met some very interesting people. Some of these folks have become dear friends. I share a lot with you - my audience. But these people have seen a more personal side of me.

I share this little bit about this side of me and this site because for every one of these find folks, I also receive more than my share of notes that are full of anger, disgust, and some just plain fanatics.

One of the most vicious of these people talks about the 12 Steps being "devil worship." While praising God, he runs Bill Wilson into the lowest depths of hell. While praising the Lord in one breath, his next is filled with wishing death to every member of AA.

I tried a couple of times to chat with this person, in what I thought, was a diplomatic way. But how does that old saying go? You can't win a pissing contest with a skunk. I finally gave up and started praying for him. That isn't meant to sound self-righteous, but rather an act of survival. You see over our short time of dialogue, this person became my higher power. And the only way for me to become spiritually centered once again was by praying for that person. The more I prayed for him, the more my Higher Power came back into my life.

It was through these conversations that I began to go back in time to my early recovery and my search for a Higher Power. I knew everything I needed to know about the religious God. And quite honestly I wanted nothing to do with a God of the church.

I grew up in a Catholic home and went to a parochial school. The god I grew up with was one to be feared. A god you never questioned. One in which you should feel "blessed" even in the face of unjust punishment.

That was the god I grew up with and it was a god I didn't want in my life of sobriety. So I searched. I studied the ancient mythologies, eastern philosophies, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, as well as Native American beliefs.

What I believe today isn't as important as the journey I took to get to where I am at right now. It was a rewarding experience, one which I honestly believe my Higher Power encouraged.

It was because of this journey that my belief in the 12 Steps got stronger and I began to compare the 12 Steps to other thoughts. The most logical was the 10 Commandments.

The picture above, I created about two months into my sobriety. Just recently I took that original drawing and created my first computer graphic of it.

The 10 Commandments are broken down into two tablets. The first one has three commandments dealing with our relationship with God. The second tablet has the other seven commandments dealing with our relationships with our fellow man.

I took that thought and created one for the 12 Steps. The first tablet has steps one through three and deals with our journey of finding our Higher Power. The second has steps four through nine and deals with the actions necessary to correct our past. And the final tablet has steps ten through twelve and shows what we need to do to continue a life of sobriety.

Memories... best forgotten

Yesterday, I went down memory lane... and not in a good way. It was getting near dinner time when I heard a loud thud. About a second later, a loud hair raising scream filled the hallway of the apartment complex I live in.

Then, screams of "help me." "Please, someone help me." I felt like an eight year old, hiding in my bedroom, listening to the screams, the punches, the walls moving.

Eventually, the police arrived and two drunks - a husband and his wife were quieted down. Not sure if anyone was taken away... but i am sure that memories of my childhood that I thought were long gone, are still very much alive...

Living Humbly

I believe the worst thing one person can do to another is to take them for granted.  This also holds true for our Higher Powers.

Last year, I learned how much strength can be obtained by being close to my Higher Power.

When my medical procedures started I was filled with fear.  A fear of the future and a fear of death.  I still remember the day, laying in a hospital bed for the third time in six weeks.  I didn't think I would walk out of that hospital.  My fear was replaced with peace and acceptance.

An acceptance and peace which was followed by love... a love that has stayed with me, now nearly a year after major surgeries.  And I pray that this love never leaves me... and it won't if I never take it for granted.

Living Humbly

Waking up brings excitement

the morning dew… a blissful scent

a magical day has begun

becomes more special with the rising sun

with every step become more alive

go for a walk instead of a drive

fragrance of flowers and the birds song

so grateful to come along

with nature… living in harmony

everything so magnificent to see

lay on the grass of Mother Earth

understand one's own worth

at night, when closing one's eyes

wonder? Was it a lie

in the morning will the beauty return

it will if remembered what was learned

we are transients in this time

and all will be fine

respect the gifts that God has bestowed

and your life will continue to grow

Excuses

Excuses.  You talk to an addict, you’ll hear a million excuses.  By addicts, I mean alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, shoppers, sex addicts, anyone who has an addiction has an excuse.  Let me clarify that.  Anyone that has an active addiction has an excuse.

When I drank, I had a million excuses.  “I worked hard.”  “If you had a wife or kids like mine, you’d drink too.”  “I’m not hurting anyone with my drinking.”  The list was endless and like a word processor, an excuse would pop out that was perfect for the circumstance.

Looking back at it all, a person can see how childish this behavior became.  And in time how unattractive and ugly it became.  Now that I am entering my senior years, I find it extremely unattractive when it is someone from my own generation.  Someone very close to me in age.  I just want to scream, “Come on!  Grow up!”

The ones who seem to bother me the most are the spenders.  The free wheelers, where money is no object.  Check that – where credit is no object.  They are quite proud of their ourselves when they flash a coupon for a free meal and still spend $20.  They are so excited to get a free t-shirt, yet they spend $10 to get it customized.  In one sense they are tighter then Alan Harper, but then the next minute they’re spending the money faster then big brother Charlie.

When that change starts is when you hear the excuses.  When Charlie pushes Alan to the side and takes control.

As a person who does his best to live the 12 Steps, I see these excuses a mile away.  It is the mind of an active addict.

Though different venues I met a gentleman who has a serious problem with spending money.  It is a problem because he has no money.  He lives for coupons and for no interest for a year purchases.  Then scrambles every month to make payments.

It’s almost comical if it wasn’t so sad.  You see, this person is in recovery from alcoholism.  He has a number of years sober and supposedly lives the 12 Step way.  Yet, when I mention the 12 Steps with debt he becomes angry – that little child inside fighting any type of help, with “you don’t understand.” 

The other night this man said that not everything is about the 12 Steps.  For those in recovery it is everything.  In fact, the end of the 12th Step says to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The 12 Steps demand rigorous honesty.  Active addicts can not be honest and they live from one excuse to the next.  For this person, it is one purchase to the next.  A life of drama.  A life of chaos.  A life of an addict.

A Reward Realized In England

This past holiday I had an Epiphany that actually started in a hospital bed in early November of 2014.  I was told by my girlfriend that I was “different.”  It was said in a loving way.  In fact, she made the comment before saying I was different with “Please don’t take this the wrong way.”  I didn’t take it the wrong way.  I was so happy to hear that.  She said that I seemed to be at peace and stress free.

After everything I have been through I would like to think that I am different.  And that difference is spiritual.  I am at peace.  I learned a lot about myself and my spiritual life.  That last hospital visit, I honestly thought would be my last visit that I would not walk out of that hospital.  I was in rough shape.  My body was in rough shape.  I was weak and physically sick.  I got to the point of looking at food made me vomit.

Nothing changed for three days.  By that third night, I had a very heart felt talk with my Higher Power.  I laid in bed and looked out in the hallway through the partially closed door.  I looked at the nurses station and watched as they were busy writing notes or checking on patients.

I thanked God for my life.  I thanked Him for the relationships I had in my life.  I thanked Him for my sobriety and for the opportunity of correcting the wrongs I inflicted on others while I was drinking.

I had tears in my eyes as I faced my number one fear.  And that was to die alone.  I laid in that bed, physically alone, but I was far from being alone.  I knew I was receiving prayers from members of various 12 Step Groups.  I knew I was in the thoughts of co-workers and family members.  Yes, I was physically alone but spiritually my heart was filled.

That night I found total acceptance.  I learned the true meaning of “Thy will be done.”  I let go and I let God.

The next morning the doctor who checked on me every morning came in with another doctor.  They looked over everything and agreed to another transfusion.  Whatever they want – go for it.  I accepted my powerlessness and let these workers of God do what they were trained to do.

Later that same day, the main doctor came back in the room and said he wanted to transfer me to the Heart Hospital.  I asked a very simple question.  “Will it really matter?”  For the first time, that doctor sat down and explained everything to me.  What was going on and why my body was doing what it was doing.

It felt good that he told me all of this but I wasn’t excited.  I wasn’t getting my hopes up… I was just going to stay with “Thy will be done.”

Well, two days after the transfer I had two liters of fluid removed from my heart and everything instantly improved.  And what I was truly grateful for was the feeling of acceptance had stayed with me.

That last hospital stay has put life in perspective for me.  It’s not about money.  It’s not about possessions or even the amount of friends we have.  It is about gratitude.  To wake up and smell the roses and watch God’s creation around us every moment of everyday.

Having friends without buying them

During my partying days I bought many friends. These friends I would spend every waking moment with. Looking back at it, I can see they weren't friends. I bought their friendship.

They became my hostages. Whether it cost me a case of beer, or a bottle of whiskey, or an ounce of pot, or a gram of coke... I knew how to attract and keep friends. A little party and a lot of money.

I mention this little bit of my past because I know some people who still live like this. I'm not talking alcohol or drugs... rather parties involving food... dinner parties. Their friend has them over for a nice barbecue and instead of just accepting it as something friends do for each other, they feel obligated to pay back with an equally nice barbecue.

They go to a barbecue that had potato chips, hot dogs, and cheeseburgers. He can't have a party that is the same, his needs to be grander... his needs to be a party people will remember for a long time. His party has rib eye steaks, baked potatoes, and corn on the cob.

The idea of giving your friends a nice night is fine if you can afford it. Just doing it to outdo someone else doesn't bring happiness. It shows insecurity. I know that this person did not have the money to throw this simple party... the reality was that this person would have had a hard time just throwing together a hot dog barbecue.

This guy justified his barbecue by saying he could have used a credit card to pay for it and it would be even more expensive... so instead this 50 year old guy borrows money from his parents to have his party.. I use the term “borrows” loosely because I doubt this loan will ever be paid back. I mean, why pay it back? It's family right?

I share this story because this was me years ago. Nowhere in my thinking did I ever understand that I didn't need to do these things. It was OK to do without. There was nothing wrong with not having a barbecue. No one even needed to know I didn't have money... yet I always seemed to have to put on a show that was better then yours.

Bigger TV's, bigger stereos, newer cars... it was all for show. I had no money but the illusion gave me a sense of worth and part of that illusion was that I was better then you.

These thoughts of money and possessions never brought me happiness. It is an old saying but it is very true – money can't buy you happiness. Today, I do have a little money and I am happy. I don't shower friends with it, yet if someone has a legitimate need for it I will help them out.

You might think the highlight of my year is going to England... it is up there. Yet, what I enjoy just as much is being able to give money to my kids and help them and their families have a nice Christmas. And also giving money to The Salvation Army, helping an unknown family have a Christmas as well.

Don't let money own you or own your friendships. In my opinion, the best way to have money is to be humble, to have a sense of humility, and to be grateful. Because what you have today can easily be gone tomorrow...

Navel gazing...

Guidance from Eileen Caddy -  the Findhorn Foundation

http://www.findhorn.org/

"Let Yourselves Go and Enjoy Life to the Full

Cease being concerned whether you are growing spiritually or whether you are
 on the right path, or in the right place, or doing the right thing. Cease being self-concerned and simply open your hearts and think of those around you, give to
 those around you, let yourselves go and enjoy life to the full - life in all its
 abundance - all its wonder and glory. Give and give all the time, with never a
 thought of what you can get out of life, for the more you give the more you will
 receive."

17 October 2014

I love my Daily Meditation from Eileen Caddy.

Today's reading touched on something I have often thought about in relation to spiritual growth. I feel it is all to easy to fall into  the insidious trap of being utterly self obsessed in relation to personal growth. Too easy to become a 'personal growth bore' so to speak. I feel I possibly went through a stage of this during early recovery - however at that time it was likely essential - if not lifesaving. There does come a time though, where I feel a better balance can be struck between constantly seeking to 'grow' and just 'being.'

The persistent questioning of 'am I growing enough?, did I handle that correctly?, am I following my program to the best of my ability?' can be exhausting and I feel lead to self obsession. Not very attractive!

 

I, I, I, me, me, me...

I feel it can also feed unhealthy perfectionist traits which can simply put even more stress on us and exhaust us even more! 

Today I will try and remember to cut myself some slack and just 'be'.

Blessings!

Snowie.

 

The Fourth Step of ACOA

The Fourth Step of ACOA says, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

In my opinion, this is an extremely difficult step for an ACOA. As a child I did things to survive. I could justify everything I did just to achieve that goal. As a child, the inventory saw no need to change or no need to apologize.

Apologizing, to me was a sign of weakness. I grew up in a home where I honestly can't remember anyone ever saying “I'm sorry.” Never. Not a brother, not a parent. No one ever apologized. I had aunts and uncles who knew how insane my childhood was and none of them apologized for not doing something.

This attitude of never being wrong, or more importantly never accepting responsibility for anything, got me through childhood. It got me through high school and gave me a ticket to get the hell out of there. I went to college 1,800 miles just to try and avoid the insanity. I also thought that by being away from it all I could enjoy a new life... a real life.

Reality though is entirely different then fantasy. I had no idea what was morally correct. I was never vulnerable so I had no idea on how to let others into my life. I wanted to trust others yet I had no idea how to be truthful and how to be a friend.

My childhood helped me survive many things. From abuse to incest, from fear of sleeping to being homeless. But my childhood did not give me any tools on how to be a useful member of the community. How to be a loyal and honest employee and co-worker.

This step began to open my eyes to the reality that I wasn't tough. That an inventory could help me start a new life and with that new life I had to quit being the victim. I had to accept responsibility for my actions and learn the hardest thing I ever learned in my life... three little yet very powerful words... I AM SORRY.

For The Grace of God

Yet... for the Grace of God there go I. I go through different phases in my life where I begin to take my sobriety for granted. Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to drink, its just that at times I forget how truly an amazing gift I have been given. When this gratitude disappears I'm quickly put in the humility chair and reality slaps me in the face.

My landlord recently put a new window air conditioner in my apartment. It's a small apartment, so a window unit does the trick. Well the person who put it in is nothing more then skin and bones... very much what I looked like when I quit drinking. For me, my 6'4” frame held 130 pounds. I'm not sure if this guy even weighs that much.

Anyway, he came to put in the new unit but first he had to remove the old one. As he walked past me I could smell the booze and I went from relaxed to worried. I'm on the second floor and watching him battle the old unit out of the window and nearly fall backwards was about more then I could handle.

Then to watch him reinstall part of the window, which wasn't needed with the old unit, I had visions of him falling through the glass and me calling 911. The window finally went in and then the new air conditioner was battled into place. On the side of the unit, fresh new drill holes that were made trying to secure the outside frame. Heck with using the pre-drilled holes, let's make new ones!!!

Amazingly he left in one piece and the unit is working. I then went back in time when I was delivering furniture for Montgomery Wards. Every house I went into I was drunk. Hauling refrigerators into basements or upstairs. Fine furniture which the new owners didn't want a scratch on. How many of those folks wondered what kind of damage I would do to their property or to myself.

As I closed the door, my heart became filled with gratitude. So very thankful for the gift of sobriety. I thought of myself. After doing a job like that, I would head to a bar and continue my day long drinking adventure. Everyone I met would here about how hard of a day I had putting an air conditioner in a window.

The last thing on my mind at 5 PM would be dinner. Tonight though, that is all I can think about. As this person was thinking about his next drink, I was in my little kitchen, making a meat sauce for ravioli and in the oven will be a couple of pieces of baked garlic bread. And to drink? Iced Tea.

When I got sober, I had two goals. One was to never willing hurt another human being ever again. The second goal was to have a boring life. By boring, I mean the drama, the headaches, the blackouts, and everything else that lead to an insane lifestyle.

Having a boring life is actually quite exciting... and I thank God everyday for this boring life of mine.

ACOA Step Three

The third step of ACOA says that we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

Growing up in an environment of anger, rage, alcohol, and most of all fear, it is hard to understand this step. I grew up realizing that I was the only one in charge of my life. No matter how dysfunctional that life may have been... it was still a life I could control. By that I mean I could protect myself.

The first time I ran away I was maybe five years old. I crossed a main road that I was told never to cross. I walked past the A&P Grocery store and kept walking. I crossed a second road and began my journey to a new life. Where was I going? Up to the Palisades Park. To me, that was a place of peace and beauty. Right next to the Hudson River, I could spend my time looking over the water and into New York City. How I would get across an Interstate Highway and then go down a narrow road to the park wasn't a concern of mine.

At that time, I didn't care about any of that. I just had to get away from the insanity. I had my little red wagon, a couple of sandwiches in it and some snacks and I was on my way. Later, I would learn that my father kept saying, “he'll turn around.” But I didn't. Finally, from behind a tree stepped a brother and my hour or so of freedom was over. They followed me shortly after I left. I never knew they were there. At that time, my total focus was on getting to the park.

I think of that time and the time I tried suicide when I was nine or ten. I hated my childhood... I hated my life. And as much as I hated it, I still had some control over it.

The idea, as a child, to give my will up to a god crossed my mind numerous times and more then once I tried it. And every time I was slapped in the face. I learned that god didn't care about truth, the god I grew up with only cared keeping the family secrets.

So as I grew, I fell further and further away from that god. The fear of hell didn't scare me, I already grew up in it, could it really be much worse?

Though this attitude worked OK as a child and even as a teenager... it started to become a ball and chain around my neck as I entered adulthood.

It wasn't until I fell hard from alcoholism that my life started to change. Yet, the more it changed, the more I felt that something was still missing. When I started looking at the 12 Steps of ACOA, things started to come together.

By turning my will and my life over to God, it relieved me of the power my parents still had on me. I carried the anger of my childhood for way to many years. And by holding on to the past, I kept my parents in my life. It gave me a reason to be a victim. I didn't have to be responsible for my actions because I survived a violent childhood.

By turning my will and my life over to God, I learned to accept my past. The anger left. Forgiveness? That didn't come right away, in fact it took years for that to come. Yet, at the beginning of this journey just getting to the point of acceptance was good enough for me.

With acceptance I was able to start living life on life's terms, which meant taking responsibility for my actions and to quit being the victim of this world.

Wilting...

I am not  a gardener but I imagine that  snowdrops flourish in the Winter? Maybe that's just  my crazy  logic, but  it  is what  I have always assumed!

Well !!  This Snowdrop is not currently flourishing this Winter...she is wilting!!!  She is worn out !

Had a traumatic time a couple of months ago and was forced to rest  - rest alot!!!!  Put  myself  in my Doctor's caring hands and rested!

 It  actually felt good to be 'powerless' over quite a few things that I would normally try to control or  feel I had to do for others! I was completely powerless. I had no energy to take on other people's stuff. Was having a tough enough time dealing with my own!

I want and need to regain that 'feeling'. It  felt  good. It  reminded me I am nobody else's Higher Power. That  is not  my  job.

It's God's.

Blessings, Snowie.

Law Of Acceptance

The Law of Acceptance states that all suffering and experience which we conceptually label as negative is the result of our failure to accept what is.
What is the key to recovery?  Recovery from alcoholism, addiction, gambling, smoking, and whatever else you may want to throw in here has the same ingredient for starting a new life – acceptance.  Every 12 Step group speaks about it and reinforces it.  A new life can not take place without acceptance.



An acceptance of our past.  An acceptance of who we are, not some fantasy or illusion of who we thought we were.  Rather the acceptance that mistakes were made and the past is filled with regrets.



Early in my journey I heard a couple of thoughts that have stayed with me.  One was that we don't have to like some things but we do have to accept them.  The first time I heard this I was sober a couple of months.



I found out my ex-wife was cheating.  Not playing the victim here, just a fact of what was going on at that time.  In hindsight, I can't blame her.  I was never really with her, my life revolved around alcohol and nothing else.

Yet, early in recovery to learn about it nearly destroyed me and I was close to giving up on the idea of sobriety.  I was filled with anger and shame with where my life was and how little I had going for me.

I never like the fact that she cheated on me but I did learn to accept it with no anger or rage... just a numb acceptance.  And from that simple acceptance I learned to let go and move on.

The other statement I have heard many times and I live it and say it to others.  Expect nothing and accept everything.  And to add to this thought... expectations are the forerunner to resentments.  If I accept things as they are then I have no expectations and can not have resentments.

Another example from my life.  As an alcoholic I was a horrible dad.  I was never there for the kids, they were there for me.  Now in sobriety, I want to be there for those kids if that is what they want.  I will not chase them down looking for an illusion of a father-child relationship.  All I want is to keep that door open, if they ever decided to contact me.  I want that first contact to be healthy and for that to happen I need to be sober.

Through they years though, I have sent birthday cards and Christmas cards to them and money to their kids.  I do this just to let the kids know that I am thinking about them and hoping they have a nice holiday or birthday.

Only one child has consistently sent me a thank you card and what the money went towards.  One has totally ignored me, yet they still cash those checks.

It would be real easy for me to build a resentment with this.  I haven't because of the past and the simple fact I never taught those kids how to give thanks to anyone.  So I continue to send gifts, just for me and accept whatever will be will be...

Dreams Of England

The Law of Intensity states that the more focused our directedness toward a desired reality, the more likely it is to be actualized.
I agree with this law, yet I do think that it can backfire on a person if they are not careful. I do believe that if I focus on a dream of mine, it will become a reality. The dream is the goal. Four years ago I had a dream to visit England. I had no idea how to make that dream a reality... yet I just kept dreaming it.

Dreams of England is about the journey I took to get to England for the first time.  The thing that I will never forget is that the journey was never planned, I just kind of fell into the flow of the Universe and slowly, step by step the dream of England became the reality of England.

The photo above was taken at Albert Dock in Liverpool...

Dreams of England


A dark lonely room
the only light shines from the computer screen
I stare at questions and rules
is it really happening?
A life of nightmares and missed chances
I tap a few keys... date of birth entered
I remove my glasses and rub my eyes
a dream begins to come alive

Pausing... I look out the window
the full moon adds to the light in the room
the clock says midnight
my mind drifts... to another time
a time in the future
the clock I see says 6 AM
reality the clock is in America
dreams put the clock in England

turning back to the screen
place of birth... tap tap tap
fathers name... then mothers maiden name
more keys tapped
stare back out the window
I notice the blinking lights of a plane
soon... very soon... I'll be crossing the sky
back to the screen... it will become real

I hit the enter key one final time
now I'll wait for my passport
and as I wait... I'll dream some more
I'll look at flights... Chicago... then Frankfurt
leave in the evening... watch the sunset
arrive in Manchester... watching the sunrise
stepping foot on a foreign land
yet... feel totally at home

The Law of Choice

 The Law of Choice says that we have free-will and choice, we are never powerless, we can change our perception of people, places, and things...

I often have said at meetings that the greatest gift my Higher Power has given me is the freedom of choice.  I still have free will over my life, I still have power over how my life is run.



I am an alcoholic.  Some would say I am powerless over alcohol.  To a certain extent this is true.  I am powerless over alcohol when I drink it, yet I have power over it when I leave it alone.  I still have the freedom of choice on whether I want to drink or not to drink.



By the Grace of God I have been sober for 19 years... yet I have never felt that I could NOT drink. Today, I have chosen not to drink.  Who knows what my choice will be tomorrow.  Some might say, that I am playing russian roulette with this attitude of mine. I beg to differ.

One that first day of my sobriety if someone told me that I could never drink again, I doubt I would be sober today.  Never is a very long time.  These 19 years of being sober would mean little to me because “never” was still in my mind.

The pressure of “never” would have me on edge all the time.  I couldn't enjoy sobriety because it was “never” enough.

AA says to stay sober for the day.  Just 24 hours.  We can do that.  Just take care of today.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.  Those 24 hours give us the freedom of choice.  To drink or stay sober.  There isn't a “never” attached to it... it's just for today.

That freedom of choice gives me the power to lose my fear over alcohol.  I still have a ton of respect for alcohol.  I know what it has done to me, both as a child and as an adult, but I have no fear of it. That fear left when I realized I had a choice.

This freedom of choice also holds true with every aspect of my life.  That person I struggle with as a neighbor or a coworker, can change when I realize I have a choice over how much power I give them over my life.

Whether a person is an alcoholic, or an addict, or a gambler, or a sex addict, or whatever else the addiction may be, The Universal Law of Choice gives that person a second chance at life.  And with every choice taken with that second chance the gift of life is seen more clearly.

For me, the clarity was realizing that I am a human being.  I have made mistakes but I am not a mistake.  I did bad things but I am not a bad person.  And with this in mind, I began to understand that what my parents did was a bad thing but they weren't bad people.  They made many mistakes but they weren't mistakes.

The truth is that they did the best they could with the tools they had.  Just as I did the best I could with the tools handed down to me...