Swallowed Alive

I've been doing some reflections on my past and it just amazes me how much fun I thought I was having.  It was carefree and at times pretty harmless... but everyday I played these harmless games a little bit more of me was swallowed alive.

The path of recovery is littered with folks that lost their battles to alcoholism and addiction.  From high school car crashes to overdosing rock and roll stars... we all know someone who lost the battle.

Which makes me grateful for a second chance... as well as humbled wondering why I'm not in the ground...

I was helpless... I was powerless
I was sad... I was alone
I was out on my own

Alcohol and drugs
relieved the pain
thought I was at peace
really quite insane

Homeless... sleeping under bridges
eating from dumpsters...
stealing to stay alive
sometimes wondered
if it'd be easier just to die

 A line of coke
and a can of beer
for awhile it made the pain disappear
No will to fight... no end in sight
might as well held a gun to my head
this ain't life... better off dead

Everyday... the same story replayed
but the finale always stayed
story lines and people may have changed
drunk every night... with suicidal thoughts
an end to the nightmare is all I sought

That was the past
the memories though... I hope last
that's right... I don't want to forget
stay in my mind... firmly set
no way I want history to repeat
can't feel comfortable relaxing in a seat

Humiliation

somewhere in the humiliation
there is a sense of excitement
it's the thrill of the chase
to be caught
tied up in emotions and feelings
beyond our control

to willingly be forced
to look inside
and find something
released through insecurities
the humiliation... throws away
our childhood boundaries

the anxiety leads to fantasies
illusions never dreamed before
at least... consciously
locked doors blown away
to a new world
providing a freedom to explore

a new journey begins
following someone else's rules
agreeing to the humiliation
which over time leaves
and acceptance follows
filling the soul with peace
"I'm OK"

Finally Walking Together

never thought you'd see the fantasy
it's led to a little insecurity
a part of me has been revealed
the secret has been unsealed
ashamed of what you might think
my ego began to shrink

you didn't laugh...you didn't cry
wasn't sure what was going on inside
kept quiet... someday... I thought
you'd want to talk
but you played some games
the fantasy was now driving me insane

hot as fire... cold as ice
at times angry... at times nice
you'd walk away... than let me in
didn't know if I sink or swim
couldn't just walk away
wanted the fantasy to stay

I know it's pure insanity
please God... please help me see
the child that's buried within
wishing to be free from this sin
tonight I'll pray that you'll set me free
so we can walk together... You and me

So Ill.. So Sick

so ill... so sick
spit in the mirror
at an image that won't go away
fell into a trap
thought it was love
just... dysfunctional needs

a need to feel power
to be in control
to be a hero... your hero
a show of strength
providing protection
from this evil world

a need for your acceptance
a wonderful high... your approval
over time... this need
needed more
more approval... more love
more acceptance

yet... got less
fantasies were lies
love was manipulation
to fulfill needs
dysfunctional needs
so ill... so sick

Dreams of a Haunted House

This was an actual dream that I constantly had, a couple of times a week for well over three years.  It really shocked me and surprised me that the dream ended when I got a divorce...

buried in the dreams of a haunted house
is a reality not yet understood
within it lies a comfort zone
where one simple rule exists
stay away from that one room
seeing one person… in that one room
brings a temptation to venture in
comfort leaves… a pressure builds
evil is felt but not seen

a room without dust… immaculate
perfect to the naked eye
but a presence can’t be denied
everyone knows it is there
but that one room attracts its prey
to unknown and unseen fears

friends and lovers become enemies
in that one room… rage comes alive
but leaving can’t be done by oneself
yet… two won’t leave together
in the dreams of this haunted house
lie many secrets…
neighbors visit and can come and go…
still… they never know
about that one room

secrets remain hidden in that room
that perfect pristine room
where glass is felt but not seen
and evil thrives...
in the secrecy of children
even children 50 years old

A Victim's Promise

days offer no solace
nights bring no relief
depressed by lies
cold shoulders from stories told

promises made but never kept
in a house of babble
words have no meaning
illusions perceived
as ultimate truths

reality is real
leave the high horse
no need to build up
something that doesn't exist

fueled by insecurity
looking for comfort
from a pat on the back
and an unseen imagine in a mirror

driving people insane
by games played and hearts broken
kicking them aside
like yesterday's garbage

justification comes
by the role of the victim
one heart may be healed
while dozens are destroyed

manipulative games
created from dysfunctional needs
so much energy wasted
in a hell self-created

a victim, a martyr
a toxic life
where escape is possible
bud sadly ...
not requested

The 12 Steps... the poem

A simple poem I wrote about the 12 Steps and it is on the CD entitled '12'

they told me
"do the steps, all 12 of them
than... you'll find your Friend"
they went on to say
"believe me it will get
a little better... day by day"

Step One... there was nothing I could do
quite depressed... feeling blue
Step Two... I sought a new belief
slowly... it provided some relief
Step Three... answers I began to find
it brought about some peace of mind
Step Four... I looked deep inside
no longer did I want to run or hide
Step Five... I put my trust in Him
and told another all my sins
Step Six... I saw all the defects based in shame
I'd throw away all those old games
Step Seven... I found a gift in humility
a new world I'd see
Step Eight... a list was made when I searched my soul
years of abuse had took its toll
Step Nine... I began making amends
apologies was the only message I'd send
Step Ten... the truth was easy to see
an inventory would help keep me free
Step Eleven... my new Friendship was strong
with prayer and meditation days weren't so long
Step Twelve... I couldn't wait to share
and let others know we care

they spoke the truth
life did get better
I found peace within
which made the world
more peaceful and serene

Drunkish

Oh the words spoken by a drunk. I got the idea for this poem from an old Robin Williams skit about the intelligence of a drunk.

at the end of the bar

after a few beers and shots

a language appears

Drunkish… a cross of

English and Spanish

and a few ancient dialects

not spoken in centuries

Drunkish is the word

of knowledge and wisdom

coming alive only with boozy kool-aid

consider yourself blessed

to hear this ancient language

listen closely because these words

will never be spoken again

Drunkish forever changes

the messenger and barstool

might be the same

but the language, wisdom and knowledge

constantly changes… expands and evolves

if you doubt it… ask the messenger

though only ask when it is spoken

you see… away from the barstool

the messenger will deny

speaking those words

the kool-aid blacks out the words spoke

and the memory can only say

“No! Not me! I never said that!”

Drunkish spoken with pride

and eventually denied with shame

Who Are You?

From an abusive childhood to an insane present... what is the answer for a peaceful tomorrow?

  

Who are you?

hiding in the cyber world

writing words…

providing no answers

deciphering thoughts by

reading between the lines

still answers are just an anomaly

so many years in the gutter

destroyed by ones own abuse

a warped mind with distorted visions

living in a world… all alone

a sociopath… a psychopath…

a path with no returns

an outer realm of peace

an inner view to shame

a cool day sitting on a park bench

reliving memories…

screams of the past…

always invade

needing a new life…

with new thoughts

but the old ways…

always say… NO

dreams eventually turn sour

the nightmares? all to real

can a reality be found…

from the panics of the past

and the illusions of the future?

or… is it even possible

without a present?

no longer an innocent child

playing childish games

from the minute we learn to walk

we’re one step closer to our Maker

tick tock… tick tock…

is that the only answer

to make the insanity stop?

One Choice... The Greatest Gift

ACOA's third step states that we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

One Choice... The Greatest Gift

The greatest gift given to me

it provides freedom and power

that gift is choice

a life lived with choices

a life without God

was my choice

a choice filled with rage

a life of death

spiritually bankrupt

forever a victim

the pain... never leaving

the memories... forever fresh

then a new choice came

based on 12 Steps

a decision had to be made

turning over... my will... my life

a wonderful choice

a powerful decision

God... entered my life

peace followed and acceptance came

an acceptance that I was OK

that the past could be left behind

that I could love and be loved

thank you God for accepting me

Is This Really Me?

The Law of Acceptance states that all suffering and experience which we conceptually label as negative is the result of our failure to accept what is.

Could a person be loved after years of hearing they are unlovable?  Can they be intelligent when all they heard was how dumb they were?  Part of acceptance is erasing those old messages and accepting that we are OK...

Is This Really Me?

She said, “I love you”
yet... I struggle to accept it
so many failures
so much guilt
the failure now is lack of acceptance

She sees something
yet... I can't look in the mirror
together we talk acceptance
I do accept her
but... I struggle to accept me

The more she praises me
I wonder if she sees the real me
then the table turns
and I wonder
do I see the real me?

Childhood taught me many failures
punched by parents
bruised by brothers
the physical pain healed
yet there were unseen scars

Those messages were more then words
they became me... I became them
messages that accepted me as a failure
so many years never questioning
those negative messages

No longer accepting them
she said, “I love you”
finally... I can see the truth
worthy of love... worthy of acceptance
no longer is the image one of suffering

What A View

The 12th Step of CODA states, "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."


What A View


once the wall was removed
the view... the visions
came alive
like a child in a candy store
wide eyed with excitement

the sky was brighter blue
the wheat grain a blinding gold
blowing in the breeze
a land locked ocean
but the beauty came from within

never visioned this thrill
an experience... finding the soul
no longer in need
no longer an obsession
to control... to own

no longer lonely
but yet... alone
a trust built upon
the spirituality of love
and a sense of belonging

a relationship with the One
brought warmth and comfort
and the knowledge
that love was a choice
... not a need

Searching

The 11th Step of CODA says, "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out."


Searching

laying in bed with closed eyes
I started my journey
knocked on Heaven’s door
wanting to meet… Him
just wanting… a glimpse
of His knowledge
that’s all I sought
had questions to ask
but He answered them…
with more questions

the answers I wanted
wouldn’t come that day
but I was comforted…
by His presence
a journey… I wouldn’t take alone
His thoughts gave me wisdom
that change…
only comes from within

it was through conscious contact
that my life expanded
and His grace empowered me
to see His beauty…
in every man, woman, and child

I’ll leave my bed
knowing this day
I’ll have what I need
His grace… His love…
His wisdom…
and tomorrow…
I’ll pray for a little more

That Daily Inventory

The Tenth Step of Coda states, "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."


That Daily Inventory

every day... I'll look within
and wash away every sin
every day... I'll admit my wrongs
24 hours won't be so long

every night... I'll pray
give me strength for a new day
every night... I'll receive some rest
starting a new day feeling blessed

every morning the sun will rise
I'll cherish it... as a wonderful prize
every morning on my knees
I’ll ask for courage... please

I’ll listen to the sages
that were always there
but never acknowledged
and I’ll be humbled

I’ll share my story
so history… may not repeat itself
yet the past won’t be forgotten
just forgiven

the dysfunctional tragedies are gone
now it’s the small things
that occupy my inventory
and the goals of being free

Time For Amends

Step Nine of CODA says, "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."



Time For Amends

so hard to make amends
when things that were done
were done... out of love
a difficult task
filled with shame

feeling worthless
no longer able to understand
what love is
disgusted and humiliated
the needs... were the dysfunction

the need to earn love
created lies and stories
and they grew
to manipulation and fantasies
and the truth... was... a lie

so hard to make amends
without an explanation
can't explain insanity
but it needs to be done
a new life awaits

humiliation is replaced with humility
insecurity replaced by trust
spirituality grows
and fear is replaced by love
true love... given by God

The List

Step Eight of CODA says, "Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all."


The List


there was pain with my list
so ashamed... pounded my fist
the lies I told
protecting the immortal soul
so perfect in my thoughts
to keep that image I fought

so much pain
I drove many insane
things never changed with the story
did everything to protect her glory
I knew it wouldn't happen again
eventually the fences we could mend

lost track of who was harmed
red flags began to sound alarms
a goddess to me
blind... I couldn't see
perfect... or so I thought
past history... I constantly fought

wouldn't listen to my heart
afraid... of a new start
this list... would take my pride
and I prayed He'd be by my side
please God... give me strength
and the willingness to go to any length

The Death Of Need

The seventh step of CODA says, “Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.” This step showed me how needy I had become. I needed to be the hero, the savior. I needed love and respect. I needed everything except a Higher Power.

Now I was ready to quit being needy and start "wanting." First, I wanted God in my life. With this I would begin to trust my instincts. Than I wanted love. And the first love I wanted was my own. That as a child of God - I was OK.



The Death Of Need

my name is need
I need to fix and repair
I need to protect you
I need for you... to need me

fulfilling my need
made picket fences white
a home of bliss
just a perfect family

need... the need to show
your beauty... my prize
need... to know you're mine
in bed and out

need... to keep you pain free
an innocent child
sheltered from responsibility
need to have your actions be mine

my needs never knew
your name was also need
your need... came from mine
your power... came from my need

I killed need... and want was born
I wanted us to grow together
but needs and wants
can't live together

I wanted you to want me
and cried when I was shown
you needed me to need you
but I wanted more

I wanted companionship
I wanted love
and I'd start this dream
by wanting my God

No Place For Jealously

Step Six of CODA says, "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

When I was dealing with my co-dependency my biggest character defects were control and jealously. Sadly, the ex thought that jealously was love.



No Place For Jealously

she loved my jealously
it was a sign of my love
she loved my insecurity
it kept me in her control

when jealously rose its ugly head
"we're just friends"
is all she'd say
than wink at me and walk away

jealously and insecurity turned to rage
on the nights I slept alone
kids would tell the story
of how drunk you got
and fell asleep with Greg

ready to leave my eternal hell
but mastery of manipulation
had me apologizing
to you... for your wrongs

"I know nothing happened
because I awoke fully dressed."
The kids laughed at your words
than felt my belt on their rear ends

jealously... a demon beyond control
jealous of your "friends"
jealous of our kids
jealous of you
because you never let me in

jealously left when I walked away
and I seen how sick
I had become
I still feel some anger
no... not at you
but... at me

my insanity destroyed so much
and after so many years
bridges have still not been rebuilt
I'm sorry... it took so long to walk away
so much pain could have been avoided
if I only could have said
"No... no more... this is insane"

who knows where I'd be
if I believed in my God
for the love and support
I so desperately
sought from you

Desperate For Love

The fifth step of CODA says, "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs."


Desperate For Love

admitting to myself was easy
admitting to God... a little harder
admitting to another human being
nearly impossible

admitting to alcoholism was easy
compared to surrendering
a human goddess
whose wish was my command

the lying... the stories
done out of love...
a sick dysfunctional need
constantly seeking your approval

until more lies were needed
to cover the lies already told
lying to others was bad enough
but it got worse

I lied to myself
my eyes didn't see
what I thought they saw
couldn't tell the truth from the lie

my heart was broken
my soul destroyed
all because of a sick need
to find love... any love

Looking Within

The fourth step of CODA says, "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."


Looking Within

it was strange... to look within
to leave behind a world
where approval... was a drug
needed to survive
this path... this journey
made some believe
they were abandoned
yet... it was the greatest
act of love ever given

for the first time
I accepted that your actions
were not my responsibility
it was painful... to realize
I couldn't save you
it wasn't done out of hate
rather... as a means of survival
... mine...

who knows what tomorrow will bring
the sun will rise
and I'll see it in a new way
our dependence on each other
wasn't love
it was an illness
that stopped our growth
and took us on a path
that wasn't our destiny