As an alcoholic, I have spent my time in recovery learning. I never want to get to a point where I believe I know it all. How arrogant that would be. Former Czech President Vaclav Havel once said, “Seek those that search for the truth and run from those that have found it.” We all need to be teachable. We all need a sense of humility.

Humility is being teachable. C.S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of ourselves but rather it is thinking of ourselves less.” Humility also relies on a strong sense of gratitude. What we have and who we are is directly due someone or something else in our lives. Ultimately all the gratitude goes to our Higher Power, because if it wasn't for this deity putting someone or something in our life, we wouldn't be who we are.

Presently, I know a couple of gentlemen who have come into some serious money, not because of something they did, but rather through inheritance. Yet, if you talked to either of these individuals you would swear it was because of their financial knowledge that they have what they have.

One is roughly my age. Since I've known him he has struggled to rub to pennies together. In the past he has been very impulsive with money. Very much like a kid in a candy store, he has to have it all. We kind of developed a love/hate friendship mainly because we were very similar with where we were with debt.

The major difference was his debt was self-inflicted. My debt developed through medical expenses. For me, it quickly spiralled out of control. My ex-wife had breast cancer and we were already on a razor thin budget when she started her treatment. In no time at all, my paychecks couldn't cover the co-pays nor her prescriptions. So I started using credit cards to help pay these bills, which in reality, only made matters worse.

Here I was in my mid 50's, with nothing to show for it. A house in need of major repairs. Cars that needed to be in top running shape so the ex could make all of her appointments and take me to work, and I had nothing in the bank. No emergency fund. 401-K? I borrowed the maximum I could on it.

At the same time, this friend of mine was using his credit cards to buy couches, stereos, and other junk, that in reality a person in their 50s shouldn't be so obsessed with. The clincher was his purchase of a towbar for the back of his car. He wanted it so he could haul his boat to the lake to go fishing! All well and good, but he didn't have a method to haul the boat, in fact, he didn't own a boat, in fact, in didn't own any fishing gear! Five years later he sold the car with the towbar! As far as the boat? He still hasn't purchased one, I doubt he has gone fishing anywhere – from a bridge, shoreline, anywhere!

Just a couple of years ago, he was on the verge of bankruptcy. Anyone who knew him kept telling him this was where he was headed, yet he knew better. For a little while he had a little humility. That quickly disappeared when his mother passed away and left him with just under $100,000. The sad part was that she died with him owing her over $30,000. The debt was forgiven by his two sisters, so in fact, he stole from their inheritance.

A new sense of I'm king of the world appeared and he purchased a home. All well and good, yet I question the logic of a person in their 60s purchasing a home? I just look back at my own home adventures. If you are a somewhat good handyman the costs can be kept at a minimum. But all your free time evaporates managing this investment. If you hire someone to do all these household projects, than you will regain your free time but lose your money.

Maybe it's just me but I'd rather spend some money on rent and not worry about managing a house. I find it very freeing not to worry about heat pumps or water leaks or anything else. Just a phone call away is the landlord and then it becomes his problem.

I will say the guy did follow a bit of my advice and saved some money. He put it in a long term CD, which doesn't have the greatest return, but at least he is trying. Yet just a couple of years later and he is moaning about how tight money has become.

Through it all I have never heard a word about paying his sisters the money that is rightfully theirs. Through it all I've never heard a word how hard his folks worked to make his life more comfortable. At 60 years old, he is living for the first time without the safety net of his parents money. He has got it all now and when that disappears, which I'm sad to say will happen, I wonder which one of his sisters will support him.

He worries about his legacy, yet he has no humility to try a clean up the wreckage of his past. Humility would have given him the gratitude to see how much he owed his parents. Not just for his inheritance, but also the unconditional love they showed him since his birth. In theory, the humility that started it all would have taught him that he needed to change and rely on his Higher Power for guidance. That the largest enemy to becoming the best version of himself... was in fact... himself.

Forget the illusion of power, forget the competition, forget the material. Instead focus on the growth that comes with humility and gratitude.

Haunted Houses

Within the past year I have watch two horror shows about haunted houses. One was, The Haunting Of Hill House and the other was The House On Haunted Hill. Part of the idea behind both films is that the houses were alive. The Haunting had some good “lives” in it, that made a tree house for a little boy. It created little sanctuaries for a girl to have tea parties. Yet, the house also had evil lives.

That little boy with the tree house? He also had a faceless man, who floated three feet above the ground, with a cane, who followed him everywhere. The symbolism of this little boy’s story was quite powerful. In adult life, this boy became an alcoholic/addict. That ghost who followed him? Was his addictions… his crutch (cane) on life.

The little girl who had little tea parties (with a dead little girl’s ghost), briefly died because of poison in her tea. Years later as an adult she described what she saw in the afterlife. Nothing. A grayish black space in time, where she couldn’t see anything or feel anything. Nothing was alive.

This story of her death hit home with me. It reminded me of my suicide attempt and was an exact description of what I saw and felt. Except with one added element. My parents. As I tried to see in that grayish black void, I could barely see my mom’s hands pushing me away. She was sobbing and saying, “Noooooooo… not now.” In the background was my dad, yelling in my mom’s ear and pointing at me. “I told you he was worthless… this is your fault.”

It was from this attempt that suicide never entered my mind again. That suicide attempt took place in the little town of Tamora, Nebraska. The house I lived in was pure evil. Like my childhood house, the man of the house was evil. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, you name it… there was evil.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming that house for my actions. Or the actions of my parents on my childhood home. I am saying that when a house experiences evil, it never leaves. The evil lives in those walls for all eternity.

I saw my mom bleeding from wounds inflicted by my father. That was over 50 years ago, but the memory is still there. And somewhere in that house is a drop of blood that was never found. Somewhere on a heating pipe in the basement is some of my mom’s skin from a burn on her leg.

Did the next owners of that home experience the evil that lurked within? I don’t know, even if it has been a perfectly peaceful residence, those walls will always have a touch of evil within them.

What is important for a person who has lived in an evil house is not to forget it. You can forgive the evil, but you shouldn’t forget it. I tried to forget it and it didn’t work. I became an alcoholic and just as abusive as my father.

By letting go of the secrets, the power of the past is defeated and evil dies. My evil died when I quit drinking. And then the shame of my actions began to lessen when I realized that the evil I did when I drank was not present in my sober life.

The evil I did will live forever in the walls of the homes I lived in. Those homes, like my own, are deep in our minds, no longer buried, no longer hiding. They are right next to me. They remind me how easy evil can come alive when I drink. And those memories have kept me sober for over a quarter of a century.

Step 12 of ACOA

Step 12 of ACOA says that after having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I recently had the pleasure and unique learning opportunity watching a TV show about a retired “star.” Former, singer, model, and for a short time he was in the movies. People like this are usually considered to be “stand-offish” to common folk like myself but this person was quite different. He seemed to genuinely care about others.

Anyway, he wass so welcoming and open, yet at the same time very private. He would spend all day talking to you, just as friendly as can be, yet at the same time, he just want to go home, kick off his shoes and relax.

He didn’t care if you did not recognize him from the magazine covers he was on, or the songs he had written. He did not want you to drool at his feet, he just wanted you to be open and friendly and he would return the same respect to you.

I never knew of this man until I moved to England and by watching TV began to figure out the European celebrities. As I have learned of this gentleman, I have come to learn of his past. Alcoholism, sex addiction and numerous other calamities, have run this person’s life. The more I know about him the more I realize how much our lives are the same.

When he speaks of sexual addiction, I was shocked. I just couldn’t imagine him having that type of life. I remember back in the mid 80s, I was homeless and hitch-hiking around America. I was in my mid 20s and had nothing. I was in Utah on Interstate 80, when a car pulled over and offered me a ride.

I hopped in and we chatted for awhile and then he asked me if I ever considered modeling. I had no idea what he meant. My mind was stuck in making car models. He said that he painted nude male models for a hobby. We sat quiet for a minute as the car raced down the road. I was broke and I thought I might make some easy money. So I asked him how much he would pay me.

He said that he didn’t pay anyone to do it. Like he said it was a hobby. But he said he would feed me and I could get cleaned up. I thought about it a bit more. We continued down the road and he pulled into a truck stop to fill his car up. I got out to use the toilet. As I was relieving myself, I thought about it a bit more and snuck out of there and disappeared.

There is no doubt in my mind that my life would have radically changed that day if that guy offered me money. There is no doubt I would have said yes and I would have stripped for him and whatever happened after that would have been OK because I was earning money.

After that first time, I don’t think it would have bothered me to be a male prostitute. I was still homeless for a few more months after that but an offer like that never came to me again and I never sold my body for sex.

I mention this because this person did sell their body. And I can not judge him at all because I know how easily it could happen and how easy it would be to say – just this once.

My childhood still haunts me today. I never developed coping skills to handle it all and never had a support system to help me. As an ACOA, I can now accept the past as my own doing. My parents were screwed up, but they never made me drink, or do drugs, or (almost) sell my body. For years I lived as a victim. Today, I realize that if I had the faith when I was younger to let others hear my pain, I might have had a different life with a lot less dysfunction and self-torture.

No matter the family circumstances, secrets from the past do nothing except keep us locked away from the real world. The secrets I kept for so many years, were not mine and had no place living rent free in my mind. By letting go of those secrets I was able to start living.

ACOA's Step 11

Step 11 of ACOA says that we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out.  

As a child I was very close to God. In fact, I’m almost ashamed to say, I was closer to God at that young age than I am today. I prayed that God would end the violence. I prayed for quiet. I never got it but I still believed in God and believed that in the end He would save me.

At eight years old, I slept in half a bed. The other half, I saved for God. At the dinner table, I sat on half the chair. The other half? Was reserved for God. Car rides, movie theatres, wherever I went there was always a place saved for God.

As the years went by and the violence became worse, I began falling away from God. How could I love a God who let me be pissed upon? I say that literally. How could I love a God when I would be awaken late at nights to blood curdling screams. At these times God was a rich man’s fantasy – no way was he real. No way did this god give a shit about an innocent child.

I came to this change of belief when I reached my teenage years. It is a normal time of rebellion but mine went a step further. Screw my parents, screw God, screw priests, and screw police. It was at this time I found alcohol and for the first time in my life I felt so comfortable and so much at peace.

Sadly though, I had no idea how to handle peace. So that meant I drank more and became more rebellious. And it eventually meant a road to drugs as well as alcohol.

There comes a point in time though that, God Willing, you realize you can’t live life like that. Total chaos is first needed but when that point happens then life can begin. In Greek Mythology, the god Chaos was the origin of everything. Without chaos there can be no growth.

It was these thoughts of Greek Mythology that brought me back to God. It wasn’t the God I grew up with, nor was it the God I learned about in Catholic grade school. This God was my God. It was a God that I could understand and a God I could relate too.

The conscious contact I have with God, continues to evolve and grow. After my recent medical issues, I realize that I am not as close to God as I thought. I struggled with radio therapy and still can’t do MRI’s. If I had that total trust in God that I crave for doing those things wouldn’t be that difficult… but I just can’t do it.

Every 12 Step program speaks about “progress not perfection.” Progress means more than just putting one foot in front of the other. It’s recognizing that we still have a lot to learn and more growth needs to take place. Progress means looking at the world through the eyes of a child, where innocence is more focused than doubt. That trust defeats fear and that love conquers hate.

The 11^th Step challenges people to deepen their relationship with God. Yoga, Hindu, Buddhists, Native Americans, and many Indigenous people from around the world, whether in Alaska or in Africa, they all meditate.

I believe meditation is deeper than prayer. To me, by praying we are speaking to God. By meditating, we are listening to God. For me, it is a beautiful place to be. The place that I call – Silence. Silence with a capital S. Truly, a very spiritual place. Why not try it today.

Turn off the radio. Turn off the TV and the phone. Shut it all down, including your mind and get into the Silence…

Step Ten of ACOA

Step Ten of ACOA says that we continued to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

When you first start a program of recovery, doing a daily personal inventory can seem quite daunting.  Over time though, the process runs like a fine tuned machine because over time you learn from your mistakes and they aren't repeated....


 

One of the hardest things to learn as a child is humility. A child has a strong ego. A child wants to be the center of attention and they live to always be right. Sadly, not only do children behave this way. Any adult child, who is not in recovery, knows they are always right… just ask them.

It all goes back to what was mentioned in the very first sentence – humility. Humility isn’t thinking less about yourself, it is thinking of yourself less. As an adult, that can be achieved as a child it is difficult. And as an untreated ACOA it is nearly impossible.

The hard part about being “untreated” and “treated” is knowing when what you are doing is for self-help and not an action of vengeance. Recently, I had a one-sided argument with someone who finished their discussion by saying, that they were more of a man than me because they were able to forget the past.

If you can forget it, have you forgiven it? Or did you just bypass all of that mumbo-jumbo? In my youth I tried to forget and it lead to suicide attempts and addictions to alcohol and drugs. By trying to forget, I nearly killed myself.

I had to find the humility to admit that I was powerless, that as a child I had no control. That part was difficult, yet I needed to do it to get to the next step which was having the pain acknowledged. I was physically, verbally, and sexually abused, it is not wrong, or make me less of a man to want it acknowledged.

What would be wrong, is intentionally hurting someone to justify my means to justify my recovery. An example, if I was abused as a child, than I have the right to abuse others. It would be easy for an ACOA to justify these actions. “It didn’t kill me and it won’t kill them!”

What is that old saying? Two wrongs don’t make a right. That is why as an ACOA, the need to admit our wrongs is imperative, not only to do, but to do it as soon as possible. If I don’t, the child deep inside of me will come to believe that the adult me is god… and that is a terrible place for an ACOA, as well as an alcoholic to be.

Making amends in ACOA

The Ninth Step of ACOA says, “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

When a person does a 12 Step program, every step feels like a new weight of the world has been placed on your shoulder. Step Nine is no exception to this rule. In fact, for me it was not only a difficult step to take but also a very scary one.

The hard part for me was that I could justify all my actions because it was a matter of survival. Not only emotional and spiritual survival but also physical survival. There were times I lied to save myself from physical harm. There were times I lied because I didn’t want someone else harmed – namely my mother.

Some things no matter how much I tried to justify it were wrong. Mom used to hide money under a corner of the carpet. Part was for household emergencies. There’s no doubt in my mind she was the financial wizard of our home, but when alcohol ruled the roost, that money was her private stash to buy her booze without anyone knowing it. I used to steal that money. How many emergencies happened that could have been avoided if I left that money alone. Sure, I probably stopped her from getting drunk a couple of times but it never stopped her entirely.

When I began to work these steps, both of my parents were dead, so I couldn’t make amends to them but I could make amends to my brothers. None of my three brothers accepted my amends, in fact, one said that I spend to much time thinking about the past. With the past I had, it is hard to act like nothing ever happened.

In fact, it wasn’t till late in 2015 that my oldest brother sent me an e-mail and said that he regretted no doing more to get me out of the terror that I endured. That was his word not mine – terror. After my brother’s death, I felt an uneasy silence from the one brother I have had contact with.

He e-mailed me on my birthday, with a beautiful passive aggressive message that ended with “At least I was man enough to let go of the past.” I wonder if he could have let it go, if he was my age when everything happened. For me, I tried letting it go and it nearly killed me by trying suicide. I tried letting it go by falling into a bottle and then some drugs – it didn’t work.

I had to look it square in the eyes and acknowledge it and come to the understanding that I was a kid. I was a kid, even when I was 30 years old, because I never dealt with the past. I was a kid who had no control, yet my alcoholic parents had control over me.

My point being that as an ACOA we learn to keep the secrets – no matter how bad they are. It becomes our family crest – a badge of honour. To grow, to stop the rage that has built up over many years, to finally become free from our childhood, is by doing the 9th Step. To do it with no justifications, just humility and with honesty to say what was done wasn’t right and I’m sorry for hurting you.

Celebrating Life... real life

September. A month that holds new beginnings and life for me. On the 3^rd, I’ll celebrate one year of wedded bliss, in my new home – England. On the 4^th, I’ll give thanks as I will celebrate 22 years of continued sobriety and on the 15^th I’ll celebrate the gift of life as it will be two years since I had open heart surgery.

After reading what I just wrote, I sit here shaking my head in disbelief and in awe. I have been blessed with an amazing sobriety. It hasn’t always been perfect or picturesque but where I am today I realize that nothing would have happened without the “hiccups” along the way.

In twenty two years I have had two divorces. Whose fault was it? It doesn’t matter anymore, what matters is that I took that leap of faith and started a new life with absolutely no plan for the future.

When I got sober I was living in Seward, Nebraska and had a pretty good job and the security that came with it, yet I packed up and moved a 100 miles away and started life again. For the next 19 years, I called Beatrice, Nebraska home and went to new heights in sobriety and my work life. I was given so many responsibilities and used each one to further my career.

I had a simple life. The last six years in Beatrice, I lived in a small apartment, once again learning how to be a bachelor. I got out of debt and started travelling. No small journals. Big Ones. Across that little pond to the east that we call The Atlantic Ocean. I went to England. And after one visit I knew that somehow, some way, England would eventually be my home.

Not only do I love the country but I also fell in love with a certain person from that country. This gorgeous lady became my wife in 2015. While we live in England, we got married in Nebraska, so both of our birth countries will be forever a part of our lives.

When I got sober, I was scared, alone, and looking at spending some serious time in jail for actions that any

sober person would. Nowhere in my wildest dreams did I picture myself as an author. Nowhere in my wildest dreams did I see myself as the creator of two musical CD’s.

I never thought of life as being “alone.” In reality, I was scared to be alone. Yet, I learned how to do that the last six years I lived in Nebraska and I learned to enjoy and love my own company.

When I landed in Beatrice, Nebraska, I thought that this was it. As in, my final home, my final job. I was content to just live life in a manner that for me was a slow death.

So, once again, I threw caution to the wind and took that leap of faith and landed in England. And so far, that leap of faith has been wonderful.

The point is that sobriety has its fears and uncertainties, yet if I didn’t take a leap of faith and believe in my Higher Power, I probably would have ended up drunk again. I may have been able to stay sober without a Higher Power, yet I wouldn’t have enjoyed anything that life brought me.

I know I wouldn’t have written books, without a Higher Power. I know I wouldn’t have created musical CD’s without a Higher Power. I know I would have never ventured to England without a Higher Power.

And I doubt I would have survived my heart surgery without a Higher Power.

Step Eight of ACOA

Step Eight of ACOA says that we made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Been awhile since we have looked at the Steps of ACOA. With preparing to move, then moving, and finding work, finding time to actually put serious thought into the Steps couldn’t be done. I probably could have written something up, but the writings with the Steps always has had my entire concentration and finally I feel like I can devote time to them once again. So, with that being said, let’s take a look at Step Eight of Adult Children of Alcoholics, which says that we Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

The hard part to accept with this step is that no matter how much I can justify my actions, in the end they were wrong and needed to be corrected. An example. In my childhood mind (teenage years) I would constantly take money from my mum. In reality, it wasn’t taking money – it was stealing money. Anyway, I could justify it. By stealing this money, mum couldn’t go and buy booze. Which kept her sober and kept her from getting beaten by dad. Perfectly logical reasoning right?

The fact is stealing is stealing is stealing, no matter how much I tried to justify it. To me, that was the hard part with being a child of an alcoholic. Everything that is done can be reasoned. Eventually, in his own mind, the child becomes a god. Every action that was taken was done for the betterment of the home. Which leads to a person who can not accept his responsibility for the wrongs he did. He can not be held accountable for his actions because he was right and justified to do everything he did.

Many years ago when I was being a very active drunk, I ran into troubles with the law and with family courts. One time in therapy, we were all present – therapists, myself, wife, and kids – and the subject got around to the behaviour of one of the children. This child quickly got defensive and used a line I used many times “I’m a kid. I’m only a child. It’s OK for me to make mistakes.”

It is true it is OK for a child to make a mistake – in fact, it is true for all of us to make mistakes. Yet, it is not OK to not “own” that mistake. To say, “I did wrong and I’m sorry I did that.”

All children, including children of alcoholics, need to learn from their mistakes. To take ownership of their mistakes and hopefully grow and learn from those mistakes.

The 12 Steps... the poem

A simple poem I wrote about the 12 Steps and it is on the CD entitled '12'

they told me
"do the steps, all 12 of them
than... you'll find your Friend"
they went on to say
"believe me it will get
a little better... day by day"

Step One... there was nothing I could do
quite depressed... feeling blue
Step Two... I sought a new belief
slowly... it provided some relief
Step Three... answers I began to find
it brought about some peace of mind
Step Four... I looked deep inside
no longer did I want to run or hide
Step Five... I put my trust in Him
and told another all my sins
Step Six... I saw all the defects based in shame
I'd throw away all those old games
Step Seven... I found a gift in humility
a new world I'd see
Step Eight... a list was made when I searched my soul
years of abuse had took its toll
Step Nine... I began making amends
apologies was the only message I'd send
Step Ten... the truth was easy to see
an inventory would help keep me free
Step Eleven... my new Friendship was strong
with prayer and meditation days weren't so long
Step Twelve... I couldn't wait to share
and let others know we care

they spoke the truth
life did get better
I found peace within
which made the world
more peaceful and serene

Sometimes

As a child I was abandoned. Raised in an alcoholic home with two alcoholics. My mom was out of control, my dad was out of control, and they were in control of me.

The violence I witnessed as a six year old until my mother's death when I was 18 was more then any human should have endured.

I called the cops to stop the violence when I was eight and they did nothing (Strike One), I talked to nuns and priests begging for help and they did nothing (Strike Two). There would never be a strike three. I shut down and turned off the world around me.

And Sometimes I wonder why as a child God let me endure such pain?

sometimes... sometimes...
I wonder... I wonder...
why it happened
the way it did

crying... pleading
for your help
and it hurt
when you turned away

sometimes... sometimes...
I wonder... I wonder...
why it happened
the way it did

a child growing in fear
hearing the screams
seeing the blood
unable to feel... turned numb

sometimes... sometimes...
I wonder... I wonder...
why it happened
the way it did

unable to understand
the path... the journey
turned to stone
just to survive

sometimes... sometimes...
I wonder... I wonder...
why it happened
the way it did

learned about Love
but where were You
so many years ago
when I needed you must

Spirituality and the 12 Steps

Through my time on the web, I have met some very interesting people. Some of these folks have become dear friends. I share a lot with you - my audience. But these people have seen a more personal side of me.

I share this little bit about this side of me and this site because for every one of these find folks, I also receive more than my share of notes that are full of anger, disgust, and some just plain fanatics.

One of the most vicious of these people talks about the 12 Steps being "devil worship." While praising God, he runs Bill Wilson into the lowest depths of hell. While praising the Lord in one breath, his next is filled with wishing death to every member of AA.

I tried a couple of times to chat with this person, in what I thought, was a diplomatic way. But how does that old saying go? You can't win a pissing contest with a skunk. I finally gave up and started praying for him. That isn't meant to sound self-righteous, but rather an act of survival. You see over our short time of dialogue, this person became my higher power. And the only way for me to become spiritually centered once again was by praying for that person. The more I prayed for him, the more my Higher Power came back into my life.

It was through these conversations that I began to go back in time to my early recovery and my search for a Higher Power. I knew everything I needed to know about the religious God. And quite honestly I wanted nothing to do with a God of the church.

I grew up in a Catholic home and went to a parochial school. The god I grew up with was one to be feared. A god you never questioned. One in which you should feel "blessed" even in the face of unjust punishment.

That was the god I grew up with and it was a god I didn't want in my life of sobriety. So I searched. I studied the ancient mythologies, eastern philosophies, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, as well as Native American beliefs.

What I believe today isn't as important as the journey I took to get to where I am at right now. It was a rewarding experience, one which I honestly believe my Higher Power encouraged.

It was because of this journey that my belief in the 12 Steps got stronger and I began to compare the 12 Steps to other thoughts. The most logical was the 10 Commandments.

The picture above, I created about two months into my sobriety. Just recently I took that original drawing and created my first computer graphic of it.

The 10 Commandments are broken down into two tablets. The first one has three commandments dealing with our relationship with God. The second tablet has the other seven commandments dealing with our relationships with our fellow man.

I took that thought and created one for the 12 Steps. The first tablet has steps one through three and deals with our journey of finding our Higher Power. The second has steps four through nine and deals with the actions necessary to correct our past. And the final tablet has steps ten through twelve and shows what we need to do to continue a life of sobriety.

Memories... best forgotten

Yesterday, I went down memory lane... and not in a good way. It was getting near dinner time when I heard a loud thud. About a second later, a loud hair raising scream filled the hallway of the apartment complex I live in.

Then, screams of "help me." "Please, someone help me." I felt like an eight year old, hiding in my bedroom, listening to the screams, the punches, the walls moving.

Eventually, the police arrived and two drunks - a husband and his wife were quieted down. Not sure if anyone was taken away... but i am sure that memories of my childhood that I thought were long gone, are still very much alive...

Living Humbly

I believe the worst thing one person can do to another is to take them for granted.  This also holds true for our Higher Powers.

Last year, I learned how much strength can be obtained by being close to my Higher Power.

When my medical procedures started I was filled with fear.  A fear of the future and a fear of death.  I still remember the day, laying in a hospital bed for the third time in six weeks.  I didn't think I would walk out of that hospital.  My fear was replaced with peace and acceptance.

An acceptance and peace which was followed by love... a love that has stayed with me, now nearly a year after major surgeries.  And I pray that this love never leaves me... and it won't if I never take it for granted.

Living Humbly

Waking up brings excitement

the morning dew… a blissful scent

a magical day has begun

becomes more special with the rising sun

with every step become more alive

go for a walk instead of a drive

fragrance of flowers and the birds song

so grateful to come along

with nature… living in harmony

everything so magnificent to see

lay on the grass of Mother Earth

understand one's own worth

at night, when closing one's eyes

wonder? Was it a lie

in the morning will the beauty return

it will if remembered what was learned

we are transients in this time

and all will be fine

respect the gifts that God has bestowed

and your life will continue to grow

Excuses

Excuses.  You talk to an addict, you’ll hear a million excuses.  By addicts, I mean alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, shoppers, sex addicts, anyone who has an addiction has an excuse.  Let me clarify that.  Anyone that has an active addiction has an excuse.

When I drank, I had a million excuses.  “I worked hard.”  “If you had a wife or kids like mine, you’d drink too.”  “I’m not hurting anyone with my drinking.”  The list was endless and like a word processor, an excuse would pop out that was perfect for the circumstance.

Looking back at it all, a person can see how childish this behavior became.  And in time how unattractive and ugly it became.  Now that I am entering my senior years, I find it extremely unattractive when it is someone from my own generation.  Someone very close to me in age.  I just want to scream, “Come on!  Grow up!”

The ones who seem to bother me the most are the spenders.  The free wheelers, where money is no object.  Check that – where credit is no object.  They are quite proud of their ourselves when they flash a coupon for a free meal and still spend $20.  They are so excited to get a free t-shirt, yet they spend $10 to get it customized.  In one sense they are tighter then Alan Harper, but then the next minute they’re spending the money faster then big brother Charlie.

When that change starts is when you hear the excuses.  When Charlie pushes Alan to the side and takes control.

As a person who does his best to live the 12 Steps, I see these excuses a mile away.  It is the mind of an active addict.

Though different venues I met a gentleman who has a serious problem with spending money.  It is a problem because he has no money.  He lives for coupons and for no interest for a year purchases.  Then scrambles every month to make payments.

It’s almost comical if it wasn’t so sad.  You see, this person is in recovery from alcoholism.  He has a number of years sober and supposedly lives the 12 Step way.  Yet, when I mention the 12 Steps with debt he becomes angry – that little child inside fighting any type of help, with “you don’t understand.” 

The other night this man said that not everything is about the 12 Steps.  For those in recovery it is everything.  In fact, the end of the 12th Step says to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The 12 Steps demand rigorous honesty.  Active addicts can not be honest and they live from one excuse to the next.  For this person, it is one purchase to the next.  A life of drama.  A life of chaos.  A life of an addict.

ACOA Step 7

Step 7 of ACOA says that we will Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

Growing up in an ACOA home there is no such thing as a shortcoming. A person does what they have to do just to survive. There were times where you didn't worry about the boogie man under the bed, you worried about the drunk parent in the next room.

I'd pretend to be asleep when one of my parents entered the room. I wouldn't move when I had a bed partner. I'd show no sign of emotion as far as liking what was going on or crying for fear of it all. I tried to act asleep as the invasion took place.

Was this a shortcoming? Maybe… I didn't yell STOP. These thoughts used to fill me with shame then I remember I was only 6-7 years old.

As I got older I'd lie to get out of the house. To get away from the insanity. I'd say I was invited to sleep at someone's home and would leave, then later sneak into our backyard and sleep in the garage.

Was this a shortcoming? Lying? At that time, I don't think so… it was doing whatever it took to survive.

As years went by I found alcohol. A wonderful substance that made me numb. It took away the fears, the shame, as well as the guilt from these so called shortcomings.

I share these shortcomings because as a child I did what I did to survive. There wasn't any maliciousness in any of these actions, it was just an instinct to survive. Yet, what helped me as a child to survive, crippled me as an adult.

I never drank to relax and unwind. I drank to stay numb and to forget. In the end I became an alcoholic. And along the way I also found the great numbing effects of drugs. I honestly believe that if I didn't find alcohol or drugs I would have ended up in prison.

When I was given the gift of sobriety, I realized that what helped me as a child were now indeed – shortcomings. To this day, I'm not ashamed of them. They helped me survive and they also helped others stay alive. Dramatic? Not at all. That is reality. Something I never experienced as a child in an alcoholic home.

'd pretend to be asleep when one of my parents entered the room.  I wouldn't move when I had a bed partner.  I'd show no sign of
emotion as far as liking what was going on or crying for fear of it all.  I tried to act asleep as the invasion took place.

Was this a shortcoming?  Maybe… I didn't yell STOP.  These thoughts used to fill me with shame then I remember I was only 6-7
years old.

As I got older I'd lie to get out of the house.  To get away from the insanity.  I'd say I was invited to sleep at someone's home and
would leave, then later sneak into our backyard and sleep in the garage.

Was this a shortcoming?  Lying?  At that time, I don't think so… it was doing whatever it took to survive.

As years went by I found alcohol.  A wonderful substance that made me numb.  It took away the fears, the shame, as well as the
guilt from these so called shortcomings.

I share these shortcomings because as a child I did what I did to survive.  There wasn't any maliciousness in any of these actions,
it was just an instinct to survive.  Yet, what helped me as a child to survive, crippled me as an adult.

I never drank to relax and unwind.  I drank to stay numb and to forget.  In the end I became an alcoholic.  And along the way I also
found the great numbing effects of drugs.  I honestly believe that if I didn't find alcohol or drugs I would have ended up in prison.

When I was given the gift of sobriety, I realized that what helped me as a child were now indeed – shortcomings.  To this day, I'm
not ashamed of them.  They helped me survive and they also helped others stay alive.  Dramatic?  Not at all.  That is reality.
Something I never experienced as a child in an alcoholic home. - See more at: http://www.daveharm.com/article.html#sthash.XjOEiObj.dpuf

Why

did God give us tears if we're not supposed to cry ? 

The release and healing I feel when I cry is indescribable.

Yet, before I 'allow' myself to cry, I resist this very deep human need.

There have been evenings when I have walked up the hill to my home with tears streaming down my face. With each tear, the fear filled exhaustion I had been suffering transforms into one of peace.

Even though nothing has changed, everything has changed, the physical tension and pain somewhat eases and in that  absolute moment, I feel a sense of acceptance, of being loved, and of being held tightly in my Creator's arms. 

Why on earth did God give us Heavenly tears if we're not supposed to cry?  

Blessings, Snowie.




 

Recognizing Our Defects

ACOA Step 6 says that we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

I haven't done any writing on these steps since August of 2014. It was then that I found out that I would be having open heart surgery which eventually lead to other surgeries. From September to the end of 2014, I really had no focus with writing or sharing my experiences with these steps.

First it was just trying to stay alive that had all my attention. Then when life seemed to be in the future I was to weak mentally and physically to think about Creating Dreams, let alone these steps.

After the new year everything seemed to come back together. I began to feel healthy and for the first time in a long time I felt excited about the future. Slowly, I began trying to get back into a normal routine.

Though, what is “normal”? For our four months, my life was anything but normal. It was painful, it was scary, and it was the most educational experience of my life. After that time, I began living in PTSD. Everything I did brought me back to hospitals and surgeries. I began to feel the cuts in my chest and stomach like they were fresh. I constantly looked at my skin… waiting for the color to leave because I was bleeding internally.

With all these thoughts and feelings running around my head I began to see that some of my defects were gone. I wish I could say “all my defects.” But that would be quite arrogant of me.

My health issues put everything in perspective. I no longer cared about my ego or my image. I no longer cared about always being right and found it easier to admit when I am wrong. I no longer cared about competition with jobs or trying to impress others.

I began to see that I am OK… just the way I am. I don't need to do more to be accepted. I can do more if I want to but I don't need to. That is now the key. I want to do things, not for score keeping but rather just to “pay it forward.”

By wanting to do things, I don't mean material things or to run around without any thoughts of why you are doing them, but rather to do things to help others. To do things that make others relaxed around you. It is a spiritual experience. Something that comes and I pray never leaves.

It's a relaxed feeling. It's a feeling to know that I have defects and that's OK because God will remove them when He is ready. Until that time He will hold my hand and help me manged those defects…

Having friends without buying them

During my partying days I bought many friends. These friends I would spend every waking moment with. Looking back at it, I can see they weren't friends. I bought their friendship.

They became my hostages. Whether it cost me a case of beer, or a bottle of whiskey, or an ounce of pot, or a gram of coke... I knew how to attract and keep friends. A little party and a lot of money.

I mention this little bit of my past because I know some people who still live like this. I'm not talking alcohol or drugs... rather parties involving food... dinner parties. Their friend has them over for a nice barbecue and instead of just accepting it as something friends do for each other, they feel obligated to pay back with an equally nice barbecue.

They go to a barbecue that had potato chips, hot dogs, and cheeseburgers. He can't have a party that is the same, his needs to be grander... his needs to be a party people will remember for a long time. His party has rib eye steaks, baked potatoes, and corn on the cob.

The idea of giving your friends a nice night is fine if you can afford it. Just doing it to outdo someone else doesn't bring happiness. It shows insecurity. I know that this person did not have the money to throw this simple party... the reality was that this person would have had a hard time just throwing together a hot dog barbecue.

This guy justified his barbecue by saying he could have used a credit card to pay for it and it would be even more expensive... so instead this 50 year old guy borrows money from his parents to have his party.. I use the term “borrows” loosely because I doubt this loan will ever be paid back. I mean, why pay it back? It's family right?

I share this story because this was me years ago. Nowhere in my thinking did I ever understand that I didn't need to do these things. It was OK to do without. There was nothing wrong with not having a barbecue. No one even needed to know I didn't have money... yet I always seemed to have to put on a show that was better then yours.

Bigger TV's, bigger stereos, newer cars... it was all for show. I had no money but the illusion gave me a sense of worth and part of that illusion was that I was better then you.

These thoughts of money and possessions never brought me happiness. It is an old saying but it is very true – money can't buy you happiness. Today, I do have a little money and I am happy. I don't shower friends with it, yet if someone has a legitimate need for it I will help them out.

You might think the highlight of my year is going to England... it is up there. Yet, what I enjoy just as much is being able to give money to my kids and help them and their families have a nice Christmas. And also giving money to The Salvation Army, helping an unknown family have a Christmas as well.

Don't let money own you or own your friendships. In my opinion, the best way to have money is to be humble, to have a sense of humility, and to be grateful. Because what you have today can easily be gone tomorrow...

ACOA Step 5

The 5th Step of ACOA says that we, “Admitted to God, to our selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

In reality when you complete the 4th Step you have done 2/3's of the 5th Step. Up until this point, we have been building a relationship with our Higher Power. We are learning how to be confident with our decisions and knowing we are never alone if we have God on our side.

That then brings up the question... why tell another human being? We admit everything to our spiritual selves and with our new found relationship with God we have told Him (or Her). That should be good enough... but it is not.

Telling another human being is vital to our long term recovery. Without it, we are just playing a game. A game as an ACOA, we have played our whole lives... a game of stories and a game of manipulation and ultimately playing forever the victim.

The human mind can trick us into believing whatever we want it to believe. If I look at the blue sky and keep saying it is green... day after day, I just keep telling myself it is green... eventually, I will believe it is green.

As I do the 5th Step, I can change the story and not even give all the details and by the time I'm done... I think that maybe it wasn't that bad and yes I can forgive myself and move on. Yet, in the back of my mind, the secrets live and begin to grow with more power.

We tell another human being our wrongs because we need to hear, out loud, what we have done. We need to look into the eyes of another human being to have a sense of humility... a sense that no secret will keep us imprisoned anymore.

To me though, the most important part of this Step is rarely mentioned. It is the first time we see how good our relationship with our Higher Power has become. We see how much trust we have in our spiritual lives. It is a time where we make a judgment on who to tell our story too.

On top of that list, is knowing that what you say will stay with that person. In the past we have trusted people who didn't earn our trust... now we are laying it out there for the world to see and this person is who we trust will keep it just between us.

And to me, just as important is to find a person who won't shame you. I made good choices with this Step. I had people who just listened. Never looked at me with shock or refused to talk to me anymore after everything was said.

When I finished the 5th Step, I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of me. Not only were the secrets gone, I also knew that I could trust my Higher Power and could choose healthy and supportive friends.

It can be a fearful step, yet it is a step that has endless rewards... I hope you embrace it and enjoy it...

Navel gazing...

Guidance from Eileen Caddy -  the Findhorn Foundation

http://www.findhorn.org/

"Let Yourselves Go and Enjoy Life to the Full

Cease being concerned whether you are growing spiritually or whether you are
 on the right path, or in the right place, or doing the right thing. Cease being self-concerned and simply open your hearts and think of those around you, give to
 those around you, let yourselves go and enjoy life to the full - life in all its
 abundance - all its wonder and glory. Give and give all the time, with never a
 thought of what you can get out of life, for the more you give the more you will
 receive."

17 October 2014

I love my Daily Meditation from Eileen Caddy.

Today's reading touched on something I have often thought about in relation to spiritual growth. I feel it is all to easy to fall into  the insidious trap of being utterly self obsessed in relation to personal growth. Too easy to become a 'personal growth bore' so to speak. I feel I possibly went through a stage of this during early recovery - however at that time it was likely essential - if not lifesaving. There does come a time though, where I feel a better balance can be struck between constantly seeking to 'grow' and just 'being.'

The persistent questioning of 'am I growing enough?, did I handle that correctly?, am I following my program to the best of my ability?' can be exhausting and I feel lead to self obsession. Not very attractive!

 

I, I, I, me, me, me...

I feel it can also feed unhealthy perfectionist traits which can simply put even more stress on us and exhaust us even more! 

Today I will try and remember to cut myself some slack and just 'be'.

Blessings!

Snowie.