Too Many Enemies

Their are people who treat me like my last drink was yesterday.  These people expect me to beg for forgiveness for the rest of my life.  I don't mean to sound cold, but I asked many years ago and it wasn't accepted.  I acknowledged their pain - the pain that I inflicted - what else is expected of me?
I've never expected anyone to forget my past.  There was a lot of damage and a lot of hurt.  But the worst thing for an alcoholic is to dwell on the past.  I never want to forget it - I don't want history to repeat itself - but I can't live in the past either.  I've tried my best to move on, but some will always see me as just a sick drunk.

 

Too many enemies

time goes to fast…
yet… now it moves to slow
no happy medium
and the time runs out

just waiting… waiting…
for a ray of hope
a light in the tunnel
that is still pitch black

hard to keep faith
hard to move forward
when surrounded by doubt and fear
more then just paranoia

walls continue to cave in
finding strength… gets harder
securing answers
with still more questions

is failure part of destiny
or the creation of a new hell
built on false pride and denial
a journey of pain

can not accept the easy way
martyrdom a strong badge
difficult to cut free
but… why

A Score And A Little More

The 4th of September 1994 I quit drinking.  I admitted and finally accepted that I am an alcoholic.  The poem this month is a celebration of 24 years of sobriety.  This poem was written by playing around with words and thoughts from Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.

 

A Score And A Little More

Lincoln once spoke of scores and years

today I speak of one score and four years ago

on this formally broken psyche

a new constitution was born

conceived in freedom and liberty

with the proposition that life without alcohol can endure

the self inflicted civil war is over

the battlefield of the mind has been laid to rest

the soul… alive and free

free from despair and self-harm

free to achieve dreams

free to realize that all things are possible

today I can not dedicate…

nor consecrate this event in time

instead I give thanks to those who came before me

I give thanks to a fellowship that accepted me

and I give thanks to a Higher Power that never left me

Owning Oneself

The 8^th Promise of Debtors Anonymous states that we will cease to compare ourselves to others;

jealousy and envy will fade.

Owning Oneself

You own what?

Didn’t ask… yet wondered

how did they afford that?

If they can get it…

I can get better

I can get bigger and newer

And most of all more expensive

Still better than you

I’ll have the things to prove it

Stereos, cars, laptops, and notebooks

Yours? New! Mine? Superior!

I’ll give the illusion that everything bought

is owned and is mine

No one will know what I own

is actually owning me

I don’t own that new car… it owns me

monthly payments, insurance and service

working more hours to pay the bill

I don’t own the latest phone or notebook… it owns me

monthly payments have stolen the joy of it all

deep in debt… reality hits

it doesn’t matter what is owned… what matters is what is owed

Now I own myself

With no competition there is no envy

Jealously is a thing of the past

Having no debt is freeing

No longer living a life of stress

No longer paranoid of phone calls or letters

Spiritually awakened to simplicity

A Victim's Promise

days offer no solace
nights bring no relief
depressed by lies
cold shoulders from stories told

promises made but never kept
in a house of babble
words have no meaning
illusions perceived
as ultimate truths

reality is real
leave the high horse
no need to build up
something that doesn't exist

fueled by insecurity
looking for comfort
from a pat on the back
and an unseen imagine in a mirror

driving people insane
by games played and hearts broken
kicking them aside
like yesterday's garbage

justification comes
by the role of the victim
one heart may be healed
while dozens are destroyed

manipulative games
created from dysfunctional needs
so much energy wasted
in a hell self-created

a victim, a martyr
a toxic life
where escape is possible
bud sadly ...
not requested

Forgiving... to forget

An important part of recovery is the ability to forgive. We ask for forgiveness from others for the wrongs we have done. But forgiveness is more then asking. It is also about receiving. For recovery to work, we need to learn to forgive ourselves. When that happens, the road to recovery is a lot easier.

walking through life
feeling no pain
killed many years ago
can’t cry… can’t smile
a zombie… accepting fate
occasional illusions
fantasizing about change

chasing relationships
wondering about love
yet… know to well
feelings of hate
it’s in a mirror
that reality sets in
no winners… nor losers

a robot that bleeds
buried inside… a child
wanting a hug
needing to be understood
energy is spent
efforts to try… gone
just waiting

waiting… for a Promise
where life is rewarded
with warmth… comfort
peace… and love
then a zombie
will smile… will cry
and realize that…
the reality was an illusion

and a child will emerge
ready to experience
Life… for the first time
and understand…
forgiveness… helps to forget

The 12 Steps... the poem

A simple poem I wrote about the 12 Steps and it is on the CD entitled '12'

they told me
"do the steps, all 12 of them
than... you'll find your Friend"
they went on to say
"believe me it will get
a little better... day by day"

Step One... there was nothing I could do
quite depressed... feeling blue
Step Two... I sought a new belief
slowly... it provided some relief
Step Three... answers I began to find
it brought about some peace of mind
Step Four... I looked deep inside
no longer did I want to run or hide
Step Five... I put my trust in Him
and told another all my sins
Step Six... I saw all the defects based in shame
I'd throw away all those old games
Step Seven... I found a gift in humility
a new world I'd see
Step Eight... a list was made when I searched my soul
years of abuse had took its toll
Step Nine... I began making amends
apologies was the only message I'd send
Step Ten... the truth was easy to see
an inventory would help keep me free
Step Eleven... my new Friendship was strong
with prayer and meditation days weren't so long
Step Twelve... I couldn't wait to share
and let others know we care

they spoke the truth
life did get better
I found peace within
which made the world
more peaceful and serene

Drunkish

Oh the words spoken by a drunk. I got the idea for this poem from an old Robin Williams skit about the intelligence of a drunk.

at the end of the bar

after a few beers and shots

a language appears

Drunkish… a cross of

English and Spanish

and a few ancient dialects

not spoken in centuries

Drunkish is the word

of knowledge and wisdom

coming alive only with boozy kool-aid

consider yourself blessed

to hear this ancient language

listen closely because these words

will never be spoken again

Drunkish forever changes

the messenger and barstool

might be the same

but the language, wisdom and knowledge

constantly changes… expands and evolves

if you doubt it… ask the messenger

though only ask when it is spoken

you see… away from the barstool

the messenger will deny

speaking those words

the kool-aid blacks out the words spoke

and the memory can only say

“No! Not me! I never said that!”

Drunkish spoken with pride

and eventually denied with shame

Is This Really Me?

The Law of Acceptance states that all suffering and experience which we conceptually label as negative is the result of our failure to accept what is.

Could a person be loved after years of hearing they are unlovable?  Can they be intelligent when all they heard was how dumb they were?  Part of acceptance is erasing those old messages and accepting that we are OK...

Is This Really Me?

She said, “I love you”
yet... I struggle to accept it
so many failures
so much guilt
the failure now is lack of acceptance

She sees something
yet... I can't look in the mirror
together we talk acceptance
I do accept her
but... I struggle to accept me

The more she praises me
I wonder if she sees the real me
then the table turns
and I wonder
do I see the real me?

Childhood taught me many failures
punched by parents
bruised by brothers
the physical pain healed
yet there were unseen scars

Those messages were more then words
they became me... I became them
messages that accepted me as a failure
so many years never questioning
those negative messages

No longer accepting them
she said, “I love you”
finally... I can see the truth
worthy of love... worthy of acceptance
no longer is the image one of suffering

No Need To Test

The Law of Repetition states that we will continually repeat tests until we learn and grow from these tests.

A saying that many of us have heard many times during our life is that history does repeat itself. For the alcoholic, we say trying something over and over again looking for different results...

No Need To Test

no one tests me... no one
no human... no god shall test me
there is no need for tests
the test is within
the results are known
the conclusion reached
long before the test is done

history does repeat... if we allow it
the tests will continue
the past will be relived
over and over again
until... until we surrender
until... we admit we are not invisible
until... we accept the test can't be changed
though the result can

to try the same thing
over and over again
looking for a different result... is insanity
it can be stopped
no more testing the test
accept the results
find a new path... a new journey
then the test becomes freedom 

 

Life After Self

The 7th AA Promise says "We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows."



Life After Self

plans made every night
rule the world... at least rule you
every morning... plans revised
new evil ways to stay in control

life... all about self
no thoughts about others
unless it served... myself
my own prestige

life was a vicious game
where only one could survive
love was a useless emotion
just lived with selfish rage

sobriety brought disgust
disgust... with myself
who had I become?
would I ever be fixed?

sobriety opened eyes
to the fears and pains of others
for the first time...
I could relate... understand

concern... excitement
happiness... sadness
experienced it all
not in me... but others

so rewarding... to share
so fulfilling... to listen
so... so... so alive
thank you

The Promises

I Realized

The 12th Promise of AA says, "We will suddenly realize that God will do for us what we could not do for ourselves."


I Realized

I realized I was smiling
I never smiled much before
I felt safe and a t peace
two words I never understood

I found it easier to be honest
instead of lying and manipulating
I no longer hid from the truth
and I knew I wasn't alone

I realized that God was doing it
things that I couldn't do alone
He was doing it
I was living life

He comforted me... gave me strength
it was only possible
because I had the faith
that things would be better
when I surrendered

Yes, I am an alcoholic
thank you God for guiding me

No More Frustration

The 11th Promise of AA says, "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us."



No More Frustration

frustrated when things didn't go my way
angry... when others wouldn't play along
spiteful... when bluffs were called
remember ever little grudge
held resentments like prized possessions
the past never baffled
it was just... how much time till revenge

then... sobriety... bewilderment
with shame... old rules thrown away
fear replaced anger
insecurity filled in for frustration
hoping for change... a second chance
yet... many couldn't believe it was possible
a fine stew was brewing in the pity pot

I want to meetings...
I listened... and shared
got a sponsor... worked the steps
helped others... gave rides
chaired meetings... became a sponsor
situations no longer baffled me
because... I got active... and stayed active

Opening The Door

The 10th AA Promise, "Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us."



Opening The Door

hiding in a dark room
fearing that I would be found
my secrets exposed
that I was scared of people
scared that the game
would be revealed

no matter what I did
drinking... destroyed it all
yet... I couldn't admit it
that was the fear
I didn't want to face

today... those fears
are gone... no longer exist
alcoholism isn't a secret
paranoia... gone
a new world awaits

today... there's no fantasy
yet at times... reality bites
but it is real
and I'll muddle my way through
with His guidance and support

Finding A New Outlook

The 9th AA Promise say, "That our whole attitude and outlook on life will change."





Finding A New Outlook

believed that the world
was nothing more then a con
I get conned... then I con
nothing done... out of kindness
always an ulterior motive

that was life... my life
a life in paranoia... fear
anger and rage
scorekeeping
every right... every wrong

a horrible way to live
hating the day
fighting the night
living to die
disgusted with everyone

now... life is magical
people... are loving
there's a different beauty
with each sunrise and sunset
waiting to be explored

my life... your life
we're connected
a community...
brothers and sisters
not by blood... but by choice

The Death Of Fame

The 8th Promise of AA says, "Self-seeking will slip away."


The death of my active alcoholism brought me to a place filled with shame, guilt, and loneliness. No longer did I want to be the center of attention, nor did I want to be larger then life itself. In fact, when I first sobered up all I wanted to do was crawl under a rock and hoped that everyone would forget how selfish I had become...


The Death Of Fame

wanted glory... wanted fame
that would earn me respect
wanted friends... wanted money
that would bring me love

everything done for power
that would bring me acceptance
arrogance and intimidation
would produce your fear

surrender first brought shame
that gave me regrets
defeated... wondering how to go on
I knew I couldn't survive on my own

slowly... I came out of hiding
and saw how selfish
life had become
wondered... could things change

selfishness faded away
my kingdom crumble
when amends were made
and spirituality replaced death

No More Poor Me

The Sixth Promise of AA says, "That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear."


No More Poor Me

the journey started
at the bottom of the barrel
filled with regrets
wishing to die
filled with disgust
with the person I became

had no value... no self-worth
turning backing
wasn't an option
but... the future
looked dark... bleak
without purpose

slowly... the doubts
began to fade
I was told
it would get better
it was your strength
that gave me courage

uselessness was replaced
with a glimmer of hope
and self-pity left
replaced with humility
no longer was I alone
my Higher Power saw to that

uselessness... gone
experience can help others
self-pity... gone
made many mistakes
but... I'm not a mistake
a life filled with hope

Experience From The Bottom Of The Scale

The Fifth AA Promise is, "No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others."




Experience From The Bottom Of The Scale


lying under a bridge...
can't handle it anymore
I pray for death
withdrawals are worse
and I wonder
can I survive till my next high

climbing in a dumpster...
looking for scraps of food
I pray for death
my body trembles from hunger
and I take a bite
of a half eaten burger

stealing quarters and dimes
from unlocked cars
I pray for death
buy a 99 cent
bottle of wine
passing out in the city park

He reached down
grabbed my hand
and I realized
I didn't want to die
had a story to tell
and I prayed... my experience
would help... someone

as I grew... I witnessed
others growing... and learning
and I thanked God
that I didn't die
He gave me hope to move forward
He gave me strength to accept the past
and He gave me love to help others

Can It Be Obtained?

The fourth promise of AA is, "We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace."








Can It Be Obtained?


sick and tired... of being...
sick and tired
just... just wanted...
the pain to go away

so much hurt and destruction
but little by little
the wreckage was cleaned
and... and the Son shined

a frown and despair
turned into...
a smile and hope
and visions of what could be

the stories and the lies
were left behind
and a life of honesty
brought peace

showered with new thoughts
of love and dreams
an acceptance... that it was OK
just... just to be me

a goal... which seemed unattainable
was suddenly within reach
by listening and learning...
hoping and praying...
serenity found me

Living with regrets

The third promise of AA says, "will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."








Living With Regrets

a promise I didn't understand
so many regrets... less then a man
could I really not regret the past
wouldn't happen overnight... clearly not fast

I stared in the mirror... day and night
constantly had an inner fight
didn't know right from wrong
I listened to the devils song

"I'm an alcoholic" are words I'd say
over time the regrets went away
I knew forgiveness would come
and peace came when amends were done

the past... is in the past
in its proper place at long last
the door is open for the Son to come in
and on my knees I accepted my sin

thankfully... I have found my place
and it is filled with His enduring grace
all because I trusted this Friend
today... we walk together again