Too Many Enemies

Their are people who treat me like my last drink was yesterday.  These people expect me to beg for forgiveness for the rest of my life.  I don't mean to sound cold, but I asked many years ago and it wasn't accepted.  I acknowledged their pain - the pain that I inflicted - what else is expected of me?
I've never expected anyone to forget my past.  There was a lot of damage and a lot of hurt.  But the worst thing for an alcoholic is to dwell on the past.  I never want to forget it - I don't want history to repeat itself - but I can't live in the past either.  I've tried my best to move on, but some will always see me as just a sick drunk.

 

Too many enemies

time goes to fast…
yet… now it moves to slow
no happy medium
and the time runs out

just waiting… waiting…
for a ray of hope
a light in the tunnel
that is still pitch black

hard to keep faith
hard to move forward
when surrounded by doubt and fear
more then just paranoia

walls continue to cave in
finding strength… gets harder
securing answers
with still more questions

is failure part of destiny
or the creation of a new hell
built on false pride and denial
a journey of pain

can not accept the easy way
martyrdom a strong badge
difficult to cut free
but… why

What If?

Step 12 of ACOA says that after having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Recently someone asked me if I could go through life again what one thing would I change.  Without hesitation my response was "my parents."  That is the only way I would want to relive my life.  Any other change would mean reliving that hell once again and I couldn't do that to myself another time...

This is the idea behind the poem What If?

 

What If?

Oh what a change

mom helped me with homework

dad played catch with me

quiet and peaceful at nights

a family that never was

a family just in the mind

no booze… no eggshells to walk on

no fights… no black eyes

a fantasy? sadly… yes

at least for this child

a child who sees only pain

a child who hears only screams

please dad succeed with suicide

please mom stay drunk and sleep forever

those moments of silence… pure heaven

those moments of peace… to few and rare

a home stinking of scotch and beer

a bed occupied by more than a child

a lonely life where no one is trusted

and at times… death would be welcomed

to do this life again with different parents

could it be worse? don’t know how

saw blood and burns… black eyes too

suicidal hangings and threats with butcher knives

it’s ok to say the childhood was bad

it was beyond bad… it was a holocaust

spiritual death where a child died slowly

everyday saw a new way to be tortured

I Awoke

The 11^th Step of ACOA says that we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out.

 

I Awoke

an awakening came

doors opened… sun shined in

no longer needed fear left

comfort came when two became one

a part of me remains unseen

a bond that we only share

a closeness that we understand

a Silence stronger than any word

occasionally a prayer is given

overcome by feelings of guilt

alive and well… peaceful

yet greed wants more

learn to meditate

and began to listen

then the conscious was awaken

an understanding of everything

very little prayers are left

better to listen than to be heard

a realization that things were happening

yet they couldn’t be explained

a friend who is never seen

peace that is only ours

comfort in never being alone

and knowing you are the One

Freedom Through Inventory

The Tenth Step of ACOA says that we continued to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

 

Freedom Through Inventory

Could I be wrong?

Is there even a doubt?

The questions raise little doubt

promptly… make that amend

centerness and ego take a back seat

relations with others and oneself

is the goal for happiness

serenity and peace will follow

it’s never wrong to admit fault

it’s never wrong to accept responsibility

it is said actions speak louder than words

yet… “I’m sorry” can heal many wrongs

the ego can be the road to destruction

humility the path to construction

building new roads... finding new ways

making life more enjoyable

it’s never wrong… to say i’m wrong

it’s never right… to ignore a wrong

it’s ok to be seen… as a human being

in the end the spiritual will awaken

a handshake… a hug…

the walls come down

a beautiful place to be

forgiveness between you and me

No Explanations

The Ninth Step of ACOA says, “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

No Explanations

So hard to not explain

there were reasons for the insanity

yet… it doesn’t matter

it was wrong… it wasn’t right

pains inflicted… so much hurt

survival was the reason

still not justified

“sorry” just seems to easy

an amend to long to make

hoping for an understanding

not concerned about forgiveness

just an acceptance

praying for freedom

from a past that won’t leave

a goal of peace

within and without

it can happen

a future together

first though… an olive branch

with no explanations

What A Wonderful World

Step Eight of the Adult Children of Alcoholics Group says that we made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
There comes a sense of total freedom when a list is made of the wrongs we have done.  It makes it "real" to see it on a piece of paper.  This list also comes with fear.  It is time to accept responsibility for our actions, it is something we have never done.  Growing up in an addictive dysfunctional home is not a place to nurture positive human behaviours.

With Step Eight, we symbolically strip every layer of dirt that has become us and we can look in the mirror and find acceptance for who we are.

What a Wonderful World

Skies of blue… trees of green

I hear Louie singing… what a wonderful world

people at peace… no games

no stories… no lies… no backstabbing

Imagine this world…

As John sung… living for today

where heaven is earth

and hatred doesn’t exist

Alcohol and drugs aren’t needed

after all it is a pain free life

a world of bare footed people

letting mud slide between their toes

shame doesn’t exist…

we are all children of God

shyness left when clothes disappeared

finally we saw all the beauty… of nature and each other

Katrina was walking on sunshine

and we knew we were all fine

love conquered hate… faith destroyed fear

holding hands… what a wonderful world

Shadows of the Past

If not careful, a dysfunctional past has a way of destroying the present. It's easier said then done, but sometimes you just need to "Let Go and Let God..."

asking for forgiveness from you
yet I can't forgive myself
no matter how much goodness comes
the past rips my body in two

some days I can feel His Grace
and wonder if things will be better
maybe forgiveness has been accepted
then shame returns filled with disgrace

the past haunts me
it denies me of happiness
just want a little peace
God please set me free

hidden in the silence of fear
a boy dies a little each day
secrets you'll never understand
just spitting in the mirror

don't guess or even judge
I've judged myself enough
creating a lifetime sentence
forever holding a grudge

suicide is not the way
but death becomes worshiped
dreaming of a future
where the past doesn't have a say

A Victim's Promise

days offer no solace
nights bring no relief
depressed by lies
cold shoulders from stories told

promises made but never kept
in a house of babble
words have no meaning
illusions perceived
as ultimate truths

reality is real
leave the high horse
no need to build up
something that doesn't exist

fueled by insecurity
looking for comfort
from a pat on the back
and an unseen imagine in a mirror

driving people insane
by games played and hearts broken
kicking them aside
like yesterday's garbage

justification comes
by the role of the victim
one heart may be healed
while dozens are destroyed

manipulative games
created from dysfunctional needs
so much energy wasted
in a hell self-created

a victim, a martyr
a toxic life
where escape is possible
bud sadly ...
not requested

The 12 Steps... the poem

A simple poem I wrote about the 12 Steps and it is on the CD entitled '12'

they told me
"do the steps, all 12 of them
than... you'll find your Friend"
they went on to say
"believe me it will get
a little better... day by day"

Step One... there was nothing I could do
quite depressed... feeling blue
Step Two... I sought a new belief
slowly... it provided some relief
Step Three... answers I began to find
it brought about some peace of mind
Step Four... I looked deep inside
no longer did I want to run or hide
Step Five... I put my trust in Him
and told another all my sins
Step Six... I saw all the defects based in shame
I'd throw away all those old games
Step Seven... I found a gift in humility
a new world I'd see
Step Eight... a list was made when I searched my soul
years of abuse had took its toll
Step Nine... I began making amends
apologies was the only message I'd send
Step Ten... the truth was easy to see
an inventory would help keep me free
Step Eleven... my new Friendship was strong
with prayer and meditation days weren't so long
Step Twelve... I couldn't wait to share
and let others know we care

they spoke the truth
life did get better
I found peace within
which made the world
more peaceful and serene

I Was A Man

As a child of an alcoholic, I grew up way to fast. And with this growth I threw away things that weren't needed for my survival - like feelings and emotions.

With recovery, I began to see that I needed to be a child again and learn functional ways to deal with life. 

I was a man
scared of the future
numb to the past
frozen... in time

a man who never grew up
drank to deny fear
drank to avoid pain
constantly on the run

I was a man
OD'd... poisoned
walking dead
nose bleeds... broken needles

eating out of dumpsters
sleeping under bridges
stealing nickels and dimes
for my next high

tried it all
booze... pot... LSD
cocaine... meth... PCP
a little heroin... just wanted to die
 
in the garage...

engine running...
the pain started to fade
and life... slipping away

but fate kept me here
change of life followed
and a journey started
... when he grabbed my arm

I was a man
now... I'm a child again
learning to walk
with dreams and hopes

I'm a child
learning to trust... and love
praying for a chance
to finally... do His will

Forgiveness Through Him

True forgiveness can not take place for a victim until they can find a part in them to forgive their perpetrator. 

 the skies split the clouds
and the heavens were before me
awed... speechless...
standing... then kneeling
my life past before me
both good times and bad

I begged to be forgiven
for my anger... my rage
the way I kept score
storing away resentments
like prized possessions
please... forgive me

from the heavens... He came
I bowed my head
not worthy... to be in His presence
I gazed at His sandaled feet
waiting for justice... to be served
waiting... waiting

He finally spoke
and I remembered the words
"It is better to forgive...
then to be forgiven."
He spoke of letting go
and to trust His wisdom

the past... he said...
is just that... the past
having no place in my heart
anger... I was told
kept us from connecting
in a way He wished

after His talk
my soul came alive
and I cried tears of freedom
letting go of the anger... the past
filled me with compassion
and love... His Love

God Helped Me

ACOA Step 7 Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

God Helped Me

I no longer want to be hit

I'm tired of being treated like shit

can't you see the pain I'm in

please stop this unforgivable sin

I know you saw what happened to me

I kept the faith… just wanted to be free

many nights I heard the screams

freedom filled my dreams

life filled with blood and black eyes

learned very early how to lie

never got to be innocent and just play

I dreaded each and every day

as age killed the child in me

those childhood shortcomings I began to see

awakening I was filled with shame

I only knew the manipulation game

a new journey would begin

the child saw that we could win

a life of peace and serenity

the future I could see

anger and hatred began to leave

childhood lost… began to grieve

never thought forgiveness would come

the past was buried… it was done

Thank you God for helping me

once a prisoner… now free

each day I praise your name

realizing life will never be the same

Perfect?

ACOA's Step 6 says that we Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

As a child of an alcoholic I learned to be perfect.  Perfect meant lying, it meant being deceitful, it meant that
whatever it took to be perfect I would do.

As an alcoholic, I learned even more how to be perfect.  It involved more lying and began evolving into
manipulation.

Whatever it took to stay perfect I would do.  Until eventually that perfect world exploded and all the lies and
deceitful thoughts and manipulative games were exposed.

That day perfection died...

Perfect?

there was a time where it was perfect

thoughts were perfect

clothes? Perfect

mind? Perfect

center of the Universe… it was all perfect

yet… some didn't see the perfection

they were quick to point out faults

it wasn't a fault… there were reasons

children of alcoholics can find millions of them

perfect… yes perfect victims

what do they know?

Don't need that negativity

everyone gets angry

everyone loses their job

it's just part of being perfect

for years this illusion of perfection was life

jobs came and went

friends, lovers, and even marriages

all came and went

no one could handle this perfection

perfection is shattered when God steps in

dropping to knees humiliated

hate looking in the mirror

perfection is replaced with disgust

praying for forgiveness… humility comes

eyes are opened… beauty is seen

a beauty that only one can feel

a beauty that can only be shared with One

yet others see it…

a new being… spiritually centered

what happened yesterday no longer mattered

what happens today is perfect

perfect because He is in charge

He created this day to be enjoyed

and that is Perfect

I Admit

The 5th Step of ACOA says that we, “Admitted to God, to our selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

I Admit

I admitted it all to myself

I admitted it to God too

yet He told me there was still more to do

Someone else needed to know

the nature of my wrongs

that day wasn't so long

it started as a young boy

I didn't push the blame

and let go of the shame

you listened without judging

and you didn't walk away

I'll never forget that day

I trusted God which made me trust you

I told you all that I had done

and we talked until the setting sun

By nightfall we were through

a new soul came alive in me

I couldn't wait for the world to see

Shame left and Grace came

humility leads my way

gratitude guides every day

Leaving The Fear of Change Behind

The Fourth Step of ACOA says, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Leaving The Fear Of Change Behind

So many wrongs

that... that... at the time

was necessary and just

a matter of survival

a child who feared the day

and suffered through the night

secrets kept the child trapped

a prison built on shame and guilt

a child who grew with age

yet... was stuck in time

maturity never came

trust never formed

walls kept the child safe

yet... safety was dysfunctional

safety was built on numbness

numb from alcohol and drugs

lonely... yet needed to be alone

a raged filled life

pushed everyone away

including the Power within

this life... this insanity

had to end... a child needed to be reborn

a new life would begin

filled with fear and uncertainty

the journey though wouldn't be alone

a Friend would join

a Higher Power

loneliness left and comfort came

the games of insanity and manipulation

no longer had life

the old ways died

excitement came.... new ways were born

One Choice... The Greatest Gift

ACOA's third step states that we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

One Choice... The Greatest Gift

The greatest gift given to me

it provides freedom and power

that gift is choice

a life lived with choices

a life without God

was my choice

a choice filled with rage

a life of death

spiritually bankrupt

forever a victim

the pain... never leaving

the memories... forever fresh

then a new choice came

based on 12 Steps

a decision had to be made

turning over... my will... my life

a wonderful choice

a powerful decision

God... entered my life

peace followed and acceptance came

an acceptance that I was OK

that the past could be left behind

that I could love and be loved

thank you God for accepting me

I Need A Power

The 2^nd Step of ACOA says, “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. “

I Need A Power

Please... please... I beg you

please take this pain away

a grown man scared like a little boy

the pain can't be seen... yet it is real

So much guilt for things beyond my control

so much shame from long ago messages

the guilt kept me defeated

the shame became my life

Insanity became the sanity

the unhealthy became a way of life

and the alcohol that I hated?

Became my best friend

I hated that god of childhood

never protected the child

and seemed to enjoy the yelling and screaming

it seemed to enjoy the pain that was everywhere

That god was buried when adulthood came

no longer would it be prayed to or worshiped

it was an evil god

who hated children and hated peace

Yet survival on my own was impossible

I needed a power to restore the sanity

a sanity... I never knew

a sanity... I began to pray for

I know a power is waiting for me

to become friends... to become one

I cherish the day that we will meet

and dream of the day of peace and serenity

So Many Nightmares... So Little Sleep

We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

So Many Nightmares... So Little Sleep

Sleep never came easily

to much noise... to much silence

the yelling... screaming... fear when the eyes closed

then... eyes wide open... could hear a pin drop

across the hall... I heard you both

the brutality of love... is this what I had to look forward to?

the word “no” had no meaning

a punch quickly made “no” become “yes”

then those insane drunken nights

nights that I was to ashamed to about

nights that ruled my life

a rage filled life with no trust for anyone

a child receptacle... and... your toilet

who could be told? Innocence lost

that room... that hallway

a horror movie that was real

grew up wondering what was normal

no difference between love and hate

no boundaries... no trust... no life

finally gave up on normal

just wanted peace... just wanted acceptance

and acknowledgment that the pain was real

tears flowed freely when powerlessness was admitted

I was a child... it wasn't my fault

I didn't make you an alcoholic

I didn't cause you to abuse each other... as well as me

I didn't lie to protect you... I lied to protect me

physically I didn't die... though the thought entered my mind

spiritually bankrupt... morally corrupt

a child had to die... so a man could be born

slowly learning to walk... numbness has left

the victim died and feelings came alive

there is power in being powerless

there is love with acceptance

when fear left rage disappeared

and a chance at life began