As an alcoholic, I have spent my time in recovery learning. I never want to get to a point where I believe I know it all. How arrogant that would be. Former Czech President Vaclav Havel once said, “Seek those that search for the truth and run from those that have found it.” We all need to be teachable. We all need a sense of humility.

Humility is being teachable. C.S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of ourselves but rather it is thinking of ourselves less.” Humility also relies on a strong sense of gratitude. What we have and who we are is directly due someone or something else in our lives. Ultimately all the gratitude goes to our Higher Power, because if it wasn't for this deity putting someone or something in our life, we wouldn't be who we are.

Presently, I know a couple of gentlemen who have come into some serious money, not because of something they did, but rather through inheritance. Yet, if you talked to either of these individuals you would swear it was because of their financial knowledge that they have what they have.

One is roughly my age. Since I've known him he has struggled to rub to pennies together. In the past he has been very impulsive with money. Very much like a kid in a candy store, he has to have it all. We kind of developed a love/hate friendship mainly because we were very similar with where we were with debt.

The major difference was his debt was self-inflicted. My debt developed through medical expenses. For me, it quickly spiralled out of control. My ex-wife had breast cancer and we were already on a razor thin budget when she started her treatment. In no time at all, my paychecks couldn't cover the co-pays nor her prescriptions. So I started using credit cards to help pay these bills, which in reality, only made matters worse.

Here I was in my mid 50's, with nothing to show for it. A house in need of major repairs. Cars that needed to be in top running shape so the ex could make all of her appointments and take me to work, and I had nothing in the bank. No emergency fund. 401-K? I borrowed the maximum I could on it.

At the same time, this friend of mine was using his credit cards to buy couches, stereos, and other junk, that in reality a person in their 50s shouldn't be so obsessed with. The clincher was his purchase of a towbar for the back of his car. He wanted it so he could haul his boat to the lake to go fishing! All well and good, but he didn't have a method to haul the boat, in fact, he didn't own a boat, in fact, in didn't own any fishing gear! Five years later he sold the car with the towbar! As far as the boat? He still hasn't purchased one, I doubt he has gone fishing anywhere – from a bridge, shoreline, anywhere!

Just a couple of years ago, he was on the verge of bankruptcy. Anyone who knew him kept telling him this was where he was headed, yet he knew better. For a little while he had a little humility. That quickly disappeared when his mother passed away and left him with just under $100,000. The sad part was that she died with him owing her over $30,000. The debt was forgiven by his two sisters, so in fact, he stole from their inheritance.

A new sense of I'm king of the world appeared and he purchased a home. All well and good, yet I question the logic of a person in their 60s purchasing a home? I just look back at my own home adventures. If you are a somewhat good handyman the costs can be kept at a minimum. But all your free time evaporates managing this investment. If you hire someone to do all these household projects, than you will regain your free time but lose your money.

Maybe it's just me but I'd rather spend some money on rent and not worry about managing a house. I find it very freeing not to worry about heat pumps or water leaks or anything else. Just a phone call away is the landlord and then it becomes his problem.

I will say the guy did follow a bit of my advice and saved some money. He put it in a long term CD, which doesn't have the greatest return, but at least he is trying. Yet just a couple of years later and he is moaning about how tight money has become.

Through it all I have never heard a word about paying his sisters the money that is rightfully theirs. Through it all I've never heard a word how hard his folks worked to make his life more comfortable. At 60 years old, he is living for the first time without the safety net of his parents money. He has got it all now and when that disappears, which I'm sad to say will happen, I wonder which one of his sisters will support him.

He worries about his legacy, yet he has no humility to try a clean up the wreckage of his past. Humility would have given him the gratitude to see how much he owed his parents. Not just for his inheritance, but also the unconditional love they showed him since his birth. In theory, the humility that started it all would have taught him that he needed to change and rely on his Higher Power for guidance. That the largest enemy to becoming the best version of himself... was in fact... himself.

Forget the illusion of power, forget the competition, forget the material. Instead focus on the growth that comes with humility and gratitude.

Celebrating Life... real life

September. A month that holds new beginnings and life for me. On the 3^rd, I’ll celebrate one year of wedded bliss, in my new home – England. On the 4^th, I’ll give thanks as I will celebrate 22 years of continued sobriety and on the 15^th I’ll celebrate the gift of life as it will be two years since I had open heart surgery.

After reading what I just wrote, I sit here shaking my head in disbelief and in awe. I have been blessed with an amazing sobriety. It hasn’t always been perfect or picturesque but where I am today I realize that nothing would have happened without the “hiccups” along the way.

In twenty two years I have had two divorces. Whose fault was it? It doesn’t matter anymore, what matters is that I took that leap of faith and started a new life with absolutely no plan for the future.

When I got sober I was living in Seward, Nebraska and had a pretty good job and the security that came with it, yet I packed up and moved a 100 miles away and started life again. For the next 19 years, I called Beatrice, Nebraska home and went to new heights in sobriety and my work life. I was given so many responsibilities and used each one to further my career.

I had a simple life. The last six years in Beatrice, I lived in a small apartment, once again learning how to be a bachelor. I got out of debt and started travelling. No small journals. Big Ones. Across that little pond to the east that we call The Atlantic Ocean. I went to England. And after one visit I knew that somehow, some way, England would eventually be my home.

Not only do I love the country but I also fell in love with a certain person from that country. This gorgeous lady became my wife in 2015. While we live in England, we got married in Nebraska, so both of our birth countries will be forever a part of our lives.

When I got sober, I was scared, alone, and looking at spending some serious time in jail for actions that any

sober person would. Nowhere in my wildest dreams did I picture myself as an author. Nowhere in my wildest dreams did I see myself as the creator of two musical CD’s.

I never thought of life as being “alone.” In reality, I was scared to be alone. Yet, I learned how to do that the last six years I lived in Nebraska and I learned to enjoy and love my own company.

When I landed in Beatrice, Nebraska, I thought that this was it. As in, my final home, my final job. I was content to just live life in a manner that for me was a slow death.

So, once again, I threw caution to the wind and took that leap of faith and landed in England. And so far, that leap of faith has been wonderful.

The point is that sobriety has its fears and uncertainties, yet if I didn’t take a leap of faith and believe in my Higher Power, I probably would have ended up drunk again. I may have been able to stay sober without a Higher Power, yet I wouldn’t have enjoyed anything that life brought me.

I know I wouldn’t have written books, without a Higher Power. I know I wouldn’t have created musical CD’s without a Higher Power. I know I would have never ventured to England without a Higher Power.

And I doubt I would have survived my heart surgery without a Higher Power.

The 12 Steps... the poem

A simple poem I wrote about the 12 Steps and it is on the CD entitled '12'

they told me
"do the steps, all 12 of them
than... you'll find your Friend"
they went on to say
"believe me it will get
a little better... day by day"

Step One... there was nothing I could do
quite depressed... feeling blue
Step Two... I sought a new belief
slowly... it provided some relief
Step Three... answers I began to find
it brought about some peace of mind
Step Four... I looked deep inside
no longer did I want to run or hide
Step Five... I put my trust in Him
and told another all my sins
Step Six... I saw all the defects based in shame
I'd throw away all those old games
Step Seven... I found a gift in humility
a new world I'd see
Step Eight... a list was made when I searched my soul
years of abuse had took its toll
Step Nine... I began making amends
apologies was the only message I'd send
Step Ten... the truth was easy to see
an inventory would help keep me free
Step Eleven... my new Friendship was strong
with prayer and meditation days weren't so long
Step Twelve... I couldn't wait to share
and let others know we care

they spoke the truth
life did get better
I found peace within
which made the world
more peaceful and serene

Sometimes

As a child I was abandoned. Raised in an alcoholic home with two alcoholics. My mom was out of control, my dad was out of control, and they were in control of me.

The violence I witnessed as a six year old until my mother's death when I was 18 was more then any human should have endured.

I called the cops to stop the violence when I was eight and they did nothing (Strike One), I talked to nuns and priests begging for help and they did nothing (Strike Two). There would never be a strike three. I shut down and turned off the world around me.

And Sometimes I wonder why as a child God let me endure such pain?

sometimes... sometimes...
I wonder... I wonder...
why it happened
the way it did

crying... pleading
for your help
and it hurt
when you turned away

sometimes... sometimes...
I wonder... I wonder...
why it happened
the way it did

a child growing in fear
hearing the screams
seeing the blood
unable to feel... turned numb

sometimes... sometimes...
I wonder... I wonder...
why it happened
the way it did

unable to understand
the path... the journey
turned to stone
just to survive

sometimes... sometimes...
I wonder... I wonder...
why it happened
the way it did

learned about Love
but where were You
so many years ago
when I needed you must

Spirituality and the 12 Steps

Through my time on the web, I have met some very interesting people. Some of these folks have become dear friends. I share a lot with you - my audience. But these people have seen a more personal side of me.

I share this little bit about this side of me and this site because for every one of these find folks, I also receive more than my share of notes that are full of anger, disgust, and some just plain fanatics.

One of the most vicious of these people talks about the 12 Steps being "devil worship." While praising God, he runs Bill Wilson into the lowest depths of hell. While praising the Lord in one breath, his next is filled with wishing death to every member of AA.

I tried a couple of times to chat with this person, in what I thought, was a diplomatic way. But how does that old saying go? You can't win a pissing contest with a skunk. I finally gave up and started praying for him. That isn't meant to sound self-righteous, but rather an act of survival. You see over our short time of dialogue, this person became my higher power. And the only way for me to become spiritually centered once again was by praying for that person. The more I prayed for him, the more my Higher Power came back into my life.

It was through these conversations that I began to go back in time to my early recovery and my search for a Higher Power. I knew everything I needed to know about the religious God. And quite honestly I wanted nothing to do with a God of the church.

I grew up in a Catholic home and went to a parochial school. The god I grew up with was one to be feared. A god you never questioned. One in which you should feel "blessed" even in the face of unjust punishment.

That was the god I grew up with and it was a god I didn't want in my life of sobriety. So I searched. I studied the ancient mythologies, eastern philosophies, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, as well as Native American beliefs.

What I believe today isn't as important as the journey I took to get to where I am at right now. It was a rewarding experience, one which I honestly believe my Higher Power encouraged.

It was because of this journey that my belief in the 12 Steps got stronger and I began to compare the 12 Steps to other thoughts. The most logical was the 10 Commandments.

The picture above, I created about two months into my sobriety. Just recently I took that original drawing and created my first computer graphic of it.

The 10 Commandments are broken down into two tablets. The first one has three commandments dealing with our relationship with God. The second tablet has the other seven commandments dealing with our relationships with our fellow man.

I took that thought and created one for the 12 Steps. The first tablet has steps one through three and deals with our journey of finding our Higher Power. The second has steps four through nine and deals with the actions necessary to correct our past. And the final tablet has steps ten through twelve and shows what we need to do to continue a life of sobriety.

Memories... best forgotten

Yesterday, I went down memory lane... and not in a good way. It was getting near dinner time when I heard a loud thud. About a second later, a loud hair raising scream filled the hallway of the apartment complex I live in.

Then, screams of "help me." "Please, someone help me." I felt like an eight year old, hiding in my bedroom, listening to the screams, the punches, the walls moving.

Eventually, the police arrived and two drunks - a husband and his wife were quieted down. Not sure if anyone was taken away... but i am sure that memories of my childhood that I thought were long gone, are still very much alive...

Living Humbly

I believe the worst thing one person can do to another is to take them for granted.  This also holds true for our Higher Powers.

Last year, I learned how much strength can be obtained by being close to my Higher Power.

When my medical procedures started I was filled with fear.  A fear of the future and a fear of death.  I still remember the day, laying in a hospital bed for the third time in six weeks.  I didn't think I would walk out of that hospital.  My fear was replaced with peace and acceptance.

An acceptance and peace which was followed by love... a love that has stayed with me, now nearly a year after major surgeries.  And I pray that this love never leaves me... and it won't if I never take it for granted.

Living Humbly

Waking up brings excitement

the morning dew… a blissful scent

a magical day has begun

becomes more special with the rising sun

with every step become more alive

go for a walk instead of a drive

fragrance of flowers and the birds song

so grateful to come along

with nature… living in harmony

everything so magnificent to see

lay on the grass of Mother Earth

understand one's own worth

at night, when closing one's eyes

wonder? Was it a lie

in the morning will the beauty return

it will if remembered what was learned

we are transients in this time

and all will be fine

respect the gifts that God has bestowed

and your life will continue to grow

Excuses

Excuses.  You talk to an addict, you’ll hear a million excuses.  By addicts, I mean alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, shoppers, sex addicts, anyone who has an addiction has an excuse.  Let me clarify that.  Anyone that has an active addiction has an excuse.

When I drank, I had a million excuses.  “I worked hard.”  “If you had a wife or kids like mine, you’d drink too.”  “I’m not hurting anyone with my drinking.”  The list was endless and like a word processor, an excuse would pop out that was perfect for the circumstance.

Looking back at it all, a person can see how childish this behavior became.  And in time how unattractive and ugly it became.  Now that I am entering my senior years, I find it extremely unattractive when it is someone from my own generation.  Someone very close to me in age.  I just want to scream, “Come on!  Grow up!”

The ones who seem to bother me the most are the spenders.  The free wheelers, where money is no object.  Check that – where credit is no object.  They are quite proud of their ourselves when they flash a coupon for a free meal and still spend $20.  They are so excited to get a free t-shirt, yet they spend $10 to get it customized.  In one sense they are tighter then Alan Harper, but then the next minute they’re spending the money faster then big brother Charlie.

When that change starts is when you hear the excuses.  When Charlie pushes Alan to the side and takes control.

As a person who does his best to live the 12 Steps, I see these excuses a mile away.  It is the mind of an active addict.

Though different venues I met a gentleman who has a serious problem with spending money.  It is a problem because he has no money.  He lives for coupons and for no interest for a year purchases.  Then scrambles every month to make payments.

It’s almost comical if it wasn’t so sad.  You see, this person is in recovery from alcoholism.  He has a number of years sober and supposedly lives the 12 Step way.  Yet, when I mention the 12 Steps with debt he becomes angry – that little child inside fighting any type of help, with “you don’t understand.” 

The other night this man said that not everything is about the 12 Steps.  For those in recovery it is everything.  In fact, the end of the 12th Step says to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The 12 Steps demand rigorous honesty.  Active addicts can not be honest and they live from one excuse to the next.  For this person, it is one purchase to the next.  A life of drama.  A life of chaos.  A life of an addict.

A Reward Realized In England

This past holiday I had an Epiphany that actually started in a hospital bed in early November of 2014.  I was told by my girlfriend that I was “different.”  It was said in a loving way.  In fact, she made the comment before saying I was different with “Please don’t take this the wrong way.”  I didn’t take it the wrong way.  I was so happy to hear that.  She said that I seemed to be at peace and stress free.

After everything I have been through I would like to think that I am different.  And that difference is spiritual.  I am at peace.  I learned a lot about myself and my spiritual life.  That last hospital visit, I honestly thought would be my last visit that I would not walk out of that hospital.  I was in rough shape.  My body was in rough shape.  I was weak and physically sick.  I got to the point of looking at food made me vomit.

Nothing changed for three days.  By that third night, I had a very heart felt talk with my Higher Power.  I laid in bed and looked out in the hallway through the partially closed door.  I looked at the nurses station and watched as they were busy writing notes or checking on patients.

I thanked God for my life.  I thanked Him for the relationships I had in my life.  I thanked Him for my sobriety and for the opportunity of correcting the wrongs I inflicted on others while I was drinking.

I had tears in my eyes as I faced my number one fear.  And that was to die alone.  I laid in that bed, physically alone, but I was far from being alone.  I knew I was receiving prayers from members of various 12 Step Groups.  I knew I was in the thoughts of co-workers and family members.  Yes, I was physically alone but spiritually my heart was filled.

That night I found total acceptance.  I learned the true meaning of “Thy will be done.”  I let go and I let God.

The next morning the doctor who checked on me every morning came in with another doctor.  They looked over everything and agreed to another transfusion.  Whatever they want – go for it.  I accepted my powerlessness and let these workers of God do what they were trained to do.

Later that same day, the main doctor came back in the room and said he wanted to transfer me to the Heart Hospital.  I asked a very simple question.  “Will it really matter?”  For the first time, that doctor sat down and explained everything to me.  What was going on and why my body was doing what it was doing.

It felt good that he told me all of this but I wasn’t excited.  I wasn’t getting my hopes up… I was just going to stay with “Thy will be done.”

Well, two days after the transfer I had two liters of fluid removed from my heart and everything instantly improved.  And what I was truly grateful for was the feeling of acceptance had stayed with me.

That last hospital stay has put life in perspective for me.  It’s not about money.  It’s not about possessions or even the amount of friends we have.  It is about gratitude.  To wake up and smell the roses and watch God’s creation around us every moment of everyday.

The Fourth Step of ACOA

The Fourth Step of ACOA says, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

In my opinion, this is an extremely difficult step for an ACOA. As a child I did things to survive. I could justify everything I did just to achieve that goal. As a child, the inventory saw no need to change or no need to apologize.

Apologizing, to me was a sign of weakness. I grew up in a home where I honestly can't remember anyone ever saying “I'm sorry.” Never. Not a brother, not a parent. No one ever apologized. I had aunts and uncles who knew how insane my childhood was and none of them apologized for not doing something.

This attitude of never being wrong, or more importantly never accepting responsibility for anything, got me through childhood. It got me through high school and gave me a ticket to get the hell out of there. I went to college 1,800 miles just to try and avoid the insanity. I also thought that by being away from it all I could enjoy a new life... a real life.

Reality though is entirely different then fantasy. I had no idea what was morally correct. I was never vulnerable so I had no idea on how to let others into my life. I wanted to trust others yet I had no idea how to be truthful and how to be a friend.

My childhood helped me survive many things. From abuse to incest, from fear of sleeping to being homeless. But my childhood did not give me any tools on how to be a useful member of the community. How to be a loyal and honest employee and co-worker.

This step began to open my eyes to the reality that I wasn't tough. That an inventory could help me start a new life and with that new life I had to quit being the victim. I had to accept responsibility for my actions and learn the hardest thing I ever learned in my life... three little yet very powerful words... I AM SORRY.

ACOA Step Three

The third step of ACOA says that we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

Growing up in an environment of anger, rage, alcohol, and most of all fear, it is hard to understand this step. I grew up realizing that I was the only one in charge of my life. No matter how dysfunctional that life may have been... it was still a life I could control. By that I mean I could protect myself.

The first time I ran away I was maybe five years old. I crossed a main road that I was told never to cross. I walked past the A&P Grocery store and kept walking. I crossed a second road and began my journey to a new life. Where was I going? Up to the Palisades Park. To me, that was a place of peace and beauty. Right next to the Hudson River, I could spend my time looking over the water and into New York City. How I would get across an Interstate Highway and then go down a narrow road to the park wasn't a concern of mine.

At that time, I didn't care about any of that. I just had to get away from the insanity. I had my little red wagon, a couple of sandwiches in it and some snacks and I was on my way. Later, I would learn that my father kept saying, “he'll turn around.” But I didn't. Finally, from behind a tree stepped a brother and my hour or so of freedom was over. They followed me shortly after I left. I never knew they were there. At that time, my total focus was on getting to the park.

I think of that time and the time I tried suicide when I was nine or ten. I hated my childhood... I hated my life. And as much as I hated it, I still had some control over it.

The idea, as a child, to give my will up to a god crossed my mind numerous times and more then once I tried it. And every time I was slapped in the face. I learned that god didn't care about truth, the god I grew up with only cared keeping the family secrets.

So as I grew, I fell further and further away from that god. The fear of hell didn't scare me, I already grew up in it, could it really be much worse?

Though this attitude worked OK as a child and even as a teenager... it started to become a ball and chain around my neck as I entered adulthood.

It wasn't until I fell hard from alcoholism that my life started to change. Yet, the more it changed, the more I felt that something was still missing. When I started looking at the 12 Steps of ACOA, things started to come together.

By turning my will and my life over to God, it relieved me of the power my parents still had on me. I carried the anger of my childhood for way to many years. And by holding on to the past, I kept my parents in my life. It gave me a reason to be a victim. I didn't have to be responsible for my actions because I survived a violent childhood.

By turning my will and my life over to God, I learned to accept my past. The anger left. Forgiveness? That didn't come right away, in fact it took years for that to come. Yet, at the beginning of this journey just getting to the point of acceptance was good enough for me.

With acceptance I was able to start living life on life's terms, which meant taking responsibility for my actions and to quit being the victim of this world.

ACOA Step Two

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.



The first time I became acquainted with the 12 Steps was through AA. And I really struggled with this step. And with every program I worked on after AA this same step made me struggle. I think of all the times that I was let down as a child and I just couldn't believe that a power could restore sanity.


Where was this power when I was scared and alone? Where was this power when I heard mom getting beaten? Where was this power when I begged it to make mom and dad quit drinking? Where was that power when a brother beat me in our backyard because I was playing in the garage loft? Where was that power when another brother threw a glass table at me and I ended up getting stitches in my knee? And for the record, these “discussions” with my brothers were far from fair. I was a child, they were young men.


I had no use for a power to help me find sanity. I gave up with that idea as a child, a child who tried to commit suicide at seven years old. A child who tried to run away at eight years old. No power could save me. Just let me die!!! It was a nasty way for a child to grow up.


As an adult this nastiness led to insanity. I drank to much. I drugged to much. I was anti-social and went through relationships as quickly as the weather changes in the plain states. I seemed to do a little better with employment but I could never keep a job for more then two years.


In the beginning, every job I had I was a model employee. Always on-time and eager to learn. By the end of the first year I had a nice raise and a lot more responsibility. By the second year, I knew more then the managers. They were all idiots. By the middle of that second year, if I wasn't fired then I'd quit. I was to smart to work in such a dumb place.


It was AA that opened my mind up to looking at a Power that didn't necessarily have to be a power from a religion and it didn't have to be a power which others had. It could be my own power and I cherished that thought and really worked at finding a power I believed could restore me to sanity.


It was well worth the effort for me to search for that Power. It didn't happen over night and just when I thought I was comfortable with this Power it evolved a little more. It grew and changed as I grew and changed.


When I really became willing to search for this power and to work on this step is when the miracle of a new life began. I am so thankful for this Power and grateful for the Second Step to help me find a power that could restore me to sanity.

Wilting...

I am not  a gardener but I imagine that  snowdrops flourish in the Winter? Maybe that's just  my crazy  logic, but  it  is what  I have always assumed!

Well !!  This Snowdrop is not currently flourishing this Winter...she is wilting!!!  She is worn out !

Had a traumatic time a couple of months ago and was forced to rest  - rest alot!!!!  Put  myself  in my Doctor's caring hands and rested!

 It  actually felt good to be 'powerless' over quite a few things that I would normally try to control or  feel I had to do for others! I was completely powerless. I had no energy to take on other people's stuff. Was having a tough enough time dealing with my own!

I want and need to regain that 'feeling'. It  felt  good. It  reminded me I am nobody else's Higher Power. That  is not  my  job.

It's God's.

Blessings, Snowie.

Law Of Acceptance

The Law of Acceptance states that all suffering and experience which we conceptually label as negative is the result of our failure to accept what is.
What is the key to recovery?  Recovery from alcoholism, addiction, gambling, smoking, and whatever else you may want to throw in here has the same ingredient for starting a new life – acceptance.  Every 12 Step group speaks about it and reinforces it.  A new life can not take place without acceptance.



An acceptance of our past.  An acceptance of who we are, not some fantasy or illusion of who we thought we were.  Rather the acceptance that mistakes were made and the past is filled with regrets.



Early in my journey I heard a couple of thoughts that have stayed with me.  One was that we don't have to like some things but we do have to accept them.  The first time I heard this I was sober a couple of months.



I found out my ex-wife was cheating.  Not playing the victim here, just a fact of what was going on at that time.  In hindsight, I can't blame her.  I was never really with her, my life revolved around alcohol and nothing else.

Yet, early in recovery to learn about it nearly destroyed me and I was close to giving up on the idea of sobriety.  I was filled with anger and shame with where my life was and how little I had going for me.

I never like the fact that she cheated on me but I did learn to accept it with no anger or rage... just a numb acceptance.  And from that simple acceptance I learned to let go and move on.

The other statement I have heard many times and I live it and say it to others.  Expect nothing and accept everything.  And to add to this thought... expectations are the forerunner to resentments.  If I accept things as they are then I have no expectations and can not have resentments.

Another example from my life.  As an alcoholic I was a horrible dad.  I was never there for the kids, they were there for me.  Now in sobriety, I want to be there for those kids if that is what they want.  I will not chase them down looking for an illusion of a father-child relationship.  All I want is to keep that door open, if they ever decided to contact me.  I want that first contact to be healthy and for that to happen I need to be sober.

Through they years though, I have sent birthday cards and Christmas cards to them and money to their kids.  I do this just to let the kids know that I am thinking about them and hoping they have a nice holiday or birthday.

Only one child has consistently sent me a thank you card and what the money went towards.  One has totally ignored me, yet they still cash those checks.

It would be real easy for me to build a resentment with this.  I haven't because of the past and the simple fact I never taught those kids how to give thanks to anyone.  So I continue to send gifts, just for me and accept whatever will be will be...

An Attitude of Gratitude

The Law of Attitude states that it is our outlook that determines whether we have a problem or not...

Attitude is the reason for peace and happiness or uncertainty and confusion... the choice is ours.

An Attitude of Gratitude

my shoestring broke... so frustrating
then I saw a man with no feet
he seemed happy and at peace
I was grateful for the both of us

my car broke down and I had to walk
then I saw a lady in a wheelchair
she had a beautiful smile
it was contagious

I smiled and felt relaxed
happy to have a home
maybe it was small and not the best
yet... it was still home

I was grateful for a job
not always fulfilling
yet... it paid the bills
it brought me dreams

I was thankful for my mind
after years of abuse
still able to think
a journey full of hopes

that attitude of anger has disappeared
the bitterness and frustration also gone
replaced with gratitude
thankful for what I have
as well as what I don't

Nothing good came from the Closter Rec

Awhile back I was on Facebook on a page dedicated to the town I grew up in. Many of the people on that page are ten to twenty years older then me and I really can't relate to much they say. Some times though, a conversation will stir some old memories of past happy times.  And I will share my thoughts with the group on what I remember.

Sadly for me though, is how many people have fond memories of the town's old drinking establishment.  They show pictures of the bar.  A bar where I had my first “legal” drink.  They'll show the old pool table and the bowling alley in the background.

The picture though that I hate the most, that makes me physically ill, is a picture of an old phone booth inside the bar.  It just sends chills down my spine.  So many times I would call that phone begging dad to come home.  At first, I would call hoping to catch him before he got drunk.  Which was a mistake.  He would come home, angry at me and angry at mom.  He would yell and scream and eventually the hitting would start.

In time I learned that if I called I wouldn't wait for him to pick up the phone.  I would just hang up. He'd still come home angry and upset but no one would assume responsibility for the call and he'd quickly calm down.

I hated that bar.  Behind that bar on a cold February morning my mom's body was found, frozen to the ground.  A bottle of Scotch in her pocket.  She died the way she lived – drunk.

How many more families died in that bar?  I know an old girl friend's family was destroyed in that bar, as well as her own life was destroyed because of that bar.

The people on that Facebook page speak about it like it's a shrine.  To me it represents hell and I wish they would have just burnt it to the ground.  At least I can find solace in knowing that the new owners are not keeping the bar alive.  They are creating a new business but I do wonder if the ghosts of broken families from the past will haunt that building.

No bar, no pub, no tavern should become a shrine or a place of worship.  For the happiness it supposedly brings, the pain seems to linger a lot longer.

In a round about way, I needed the pain of that bar to see how special and wonderful life can be without it.  I used to know my way around any community by where it was located in reference to a bar.  Now I don't know the names of any bars or where they are located.

Thank God for sobriety and thank God for not needing the friendships found while I have a drink in my hand...

Money can't buy spiritual peace

The picture above is something I made for the CreatingDreams Facebook Page. I made it because of my strong belief in the truth of it.

You can not enjoy finances without a spiritual life.  And true financial growth will never occur without a spiritual presence in your life.

All in all, I do believe that is the whole idea of 12 Step groups.  It gets us closer to our Higher Power...

We found we could not place money first.That is so easy to say.  Worry more about your spiritual growth before worrying about money.  Yes, easy to see... yet very difficult to accept for anyone early in sobriety.

I doubt anyone goes into Alcoholics Anonymous on sound financial footing.  Alcoholism and drug addiction cause serious financial problems for everyone.  Many are ashamed with how out of control their spending became.  We needed booze, we needed drugs, we needed them more then food, more then a home, basically more then security.

My first sobriety I was deep in debt and it became my top priority to fix that mess.  Amazingly, I did it in two years.  After this was accomplished you would think that I would have been stress-free and totally at peace.

Quite the contrary.  I became a workaholic and a rageaholic.  I paid my bills but my recovery was nothing more then substituting one drug (alcohol) for another (work.)  I still had no inner life.  I had no peace or serenity.  Without that serenity, without that peace, I had no chance to find a Higher Power.  Without an inner life, long term sobriety wasn't possible.  Looking back at it, I'm amazed I stayed clean and sober for a little over five and a half years.

In 1994, I started my second journey in recovery.  This journey was entirely different then the first.  The first didn't work, so why try the same thing again?  This time I went to counseling, I went to AA and I listened.  I believed that everyone was brought to that place and that time to help me on my journey.  And what is the journey?  To get close and stay close to my Higher Power.

By listening, I learned early on that the people who seemed to be the happiest and the most at peace were the ones who had a spiritual center.  I wanted that peace and serenity.  So I went to work building my spiritual foundation.

I still worried about my finances but they never became an obsession.  Slowly, with the help of my Higher Power, my fiances got back in order and they stayed that away until I began to wander away from my Higher Power.

Three years ago, I left my marriage and inherited a mountain of debt from it.  An overwhelming about of debt.  Strangely though, it never overwhelmed me.  I reconnected with my Higher Power and just have that spiritual centerness back in me worked miracles.

With renewed confidence in my abilities, I worked myself back out of debt.  Like I had with a second chance at sobriety, I have been blessed with a second chance with my Higher Power.  Something, I will never take for granted again.  I have learned and relearned that material well-being is nothing compared to spiritual serenity.

To be or not to be.........angry!

"But far more frightening than facing the rage, is not facing it.  For exiled anger, unacknowledged and repressed, seeps like poison into every relationship" 

 ' Shelf Life' by Simon Parke Ch3 p24

More and more I am realising how damaging 'repressed anger' can be. In relation to anger,I tend to be of the 'let it be shown and felt' variety!  No repression whatsoever! Because of this I feel I have healthy honest relationships. 

I get extremely frustrated with passive aggressive types who pretend to not be angry. Don't they realise it seeps from every pore? It pollutes the atmosphere with dishonesty.

The 'passive aggressive' type screaming out through their sulking to be asked 'what's wrong? or to control others and does not have the courage to be honest about their anger I find incredibly confusing. It reminds me of family secrets syndrome! Denial. Denial. Denial.

I can be angry with those I love, and I expect to be able to be open and honest about it. I expect the same from them. It doesn't mean I don't love them and doesn't mean that they don't love me! 

As a recovering alcoholic I have been told many times to 'leave anger to those best able to deal with it' but I do not believe I can simply 'wish anger away' or even 'pray it away'.  I have tried.

For sure there are healthy and not so healthy ways of dealing with anger...but to deny it I feel is devastatingly dangerous. I need absolute honesty with myself. My program demands it. 

I refuse to see anger as a 'defect of character'. In its proper place, I feel anger can be a catalyst for huge change...not simply in the world but in our own relationships. 

Though I apologise for not always handling my anger in the best way, I do not apologise for the anger itself or deny it.

Blessings! 

S.

Yet another teaching I am thankful for...

As Henry Fielding once said, "The slander of some is as great a recommendation as the praise of  others".  

Oh! How I have come to realise this! I used to be so  concerned and upset  if  anyone said anything  nasty about me! It used to really bother me! Even if the sickest nastiest person in the world said something horrible about me I would be distraught! I would feel absolute terror. I HAD to make them like me.

The 12 Steps, developing a very close relationship with my Higher Power, and, a very wise AA sponsor in the early stages of my recovery, taught me it's not the end of the world.   She used to say "Snowie! Why do you care that such a person thinks/talks ill or bad of you ?"  She was SO wise. 

Alanon & Acoa further developed those beliefs and feelings within me.  I am so thankful. Kindly worded constructive criticism from a genuine caring loving trustworthy source is welcome and can be so helpful at times. The rest? No thanks! 

I guess that now, I hopefully have a healthier sense of 'self'. A healthy sense of who Snowie is and to not allow her to be buffeted by the winds of people's opinions.

Of course there will be times when faced with criticism delivered in an unhelpful way - say for instance from a Boss, that it may have to be endured. There are bills to pay! However such criticism is NOT who we are. 

Thank you AA! Thank you Alanon & Acoa! Thank you Higher Power! 

'Belittling criticism' only serves to belittle the critic. This I know from experience. I was not always an Angel myself in this area! Belittling others only ever truly belittled me.

Blessings !

S.

She's still there....somewhere inside...

"No matter how terrible the experience - from repeated sexual abuse and beatings to the  icy cold family that never touched each other in kindness and affection - there is a part of the human psyche that  remains untouched. This untouched part of the psyche is full of the unconditional love that only  a child can have. It is this part that is the magical child"    


    Taken from The Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome by Wayne Kritsberg  (Chapter 15 p120  The Magical Child.)


I am determined to find little inner Snowie and to let her know she is deeply loved. That she is a child of God and deeply loved. Yes, bad things may have happened to her -intentionally or unintentionally, but she is MORE than those things. I am determined to let her know that she is safe with me and can begin to heal, that she can grieve and we will heal together, that I will never abandon her.

Recently, I had attempted to connect with 'inner Snowie' using John Bradshaw's 'Homecoming' but I found that  I couldn't cope with some of the intimate physical descriptions in the meditations. That said I  continue to learn a lot from Bradshaw's brilliantly  insightful writings and message. Though I identify with Bradshaw,  I simply couldn't handle it. I had a severe reaction to one sentence in the 'infant' meditation relating to the infant's 'mother' that caused me a terrible feeling of repulsion, dread...and anger.

Naturally,  simply because something  upsets or unnerves me does not mean that what the writer has written is in any way wrong. It  may simply be something I cannot cope with or relate to (or wish to envisage or engage in ) at the time.

Often I find I can accept and deal with something many months or even years later that I couldn't relate  to or deal with at a particular time. Perhaps I just wasn't ready?

 I have had glimpses of little 'inner Snowie' and those have been incredibly  'magical' moments, moments where I have felt 'at one' with the world. But, I want to truly find her....for always...to always be there for her. She is lovely...beautiful...adorable, innocent, pure, and desperate not only to be loved but to FEEL loved.

It will happen.

The concept of an inner 'magical child' fills me with deep hope and comfort. That nobody or nothing can ever truly remove the 'magical child' fills me with joy,  with a feeling that I was never truly totally abandoned. God's inner light still flickered and continues to flicker deep in my soul... in a perhaps deeply hidden and deeply protected part that only He can reach.

Little 'Inner Snowie' is there...

S.