22 March 2015

A Reward Realized In England

This past holiday I had an Epiphany that actually started in a hospital bed in early November of 2014.  I was told by my girlfriend that I was “different.”  It was said in a loving way.  In fact, she made the comment before saying I was different with “Please don’t take this the wrong way.”  I didn’t take it the wrong way.  I was so happy to hear that.  She said that I seemed to be at peace and stress free.

After everything I have been through I would like to think that I am different.  And that difference is spiritual.  I am at peace.  I learned a lot about myself and my spiritual life.  That last hospital visit, I honestly thought would be my last visit that I would not walk out of that hospital.  I was in rough shape.  My body was in rough shape.  I was weak and physically sick.  I got to the point of looking at food made me vomit.

Nothing changed for three days.  By that third night, I had a very heart felt talk with my Higher Power.  I laid in bed and looked out in the hallway through the partially closed door.  I looked at the nurses station and watched as they were busy writing notes or checking on patients.

I thanked God for my life.  I thanked Him for the relationships I had in my life.  I thanked Him for my sobriety and for the opportunity of correcting the wrongs I inflicted on others while I was drinking.

I had tears in my eyes as I faced my number one fear.  And that was to die alone.  I laid in that bed, physically alone, but I was far from being alone.  I knew I was receiving prayers from members of various 12 Step Groups.  I knew I was in the thoughts of co-workers and family members.  Yes, I was physically alone but spiritually my heart was filled.

That night I found total acceptance.  I learned the true meaning of “Thy will be done.”  I let go and I let God.

The next morning the doctor who checked on me every morning came in with another doctor.  They looked over everything and agreed to another transfusion.  Whatever they want – go for it.  I accepted my powerlessness and let these workers of God do what they were trained to do.

Later that same day, the main doctor came back in the room and said he wanted to transfer me to the Heart Hospital.  I asked a very simple question.  “Will it really matter?”  For the first time, that doctor sat down and explained everything to me.  What was going on and why my body was doing what it was doing.

It felt good that he told me all of this but I wasn’t excited.  I wasn’t getting my hopes up… I was just going to stay with “Thy will be done.”

Well, two days after the transfer I had two liters of fluid removed from my heart and everything instantly improved.  And what I was truly grateful for was the feeling of acceptance had stayed with me.

That last hospital stay has put life in perspective for me.  It’s not about money.  It’s not about possessions or even the amount of friends we have.  It is about gratitude.  To wake up and smell the roses and watch God’s creation around us every moment of everyday.

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