Being Aware

Once again a new month is here and throughout the month I had a ton of ideas to write about. Situations that made me realize how much I have grown and changed during my sobriety. I have become aware. What has this awareness taught me? That I am aware enough to know what I don't know. I know very much psycho-babble.

It is true though. What I don't know will no longer affect me... it doesn't put me in a state of fear. And what I know now that I didn't know earlier on my journey has helped me see that change is good. Not only changes in places where we may live, or changes in our careers, but also changes in our relationships.

I have been at a crossroads with my life now... where I want it to be and where it was. I have written extensively about my past and the horrors of my addiction. Yet, before alcoholism totally had its grip around my neck, I did have some fun times. Some great times. And some relationships from that time are still clinging to me... some are healthy. They respect my boundaries and respect my addiction.

I have never asked anyone to “hide” their booze or their memories from me. These folks though realize that our relationship has evolved... it isn't better or worse... it has just changed. And with that change our relationship has grown, we are able to talk about the present... we share more then just the past.

Like I said, I have many good memories from the past... but that was over 30 years ago. What do I gain for my spiritual growth by accepting this relationship as it is? Another question is what does the other person gain from a relationship built in the past? It isn't helping either of us.

Through the Life Coaching course I have been taking I've come to see that some friends and even family can hold us back. Call it jealously or insecurity or whatever else you want... the simple fact is that these people want things to stay the same. They want you to remain, at most, no better then them. By leaving the past behind we are taking risks. We're leaving the comfort of what is known, the past, and taking steps on a path we've never traveled before.

Life Coaching has made reflect on some relationships. Where it was... where it is now... and where it is headed. I remember when my first book was published. I shared it with some close friends and family and no one really shared my excitement with this accomplishment. One person in fact said that writing a book of poems isn't really writing a book. Not only couldn't they share my joy, they tried to squash it.

I remember when I first started on my recovery and I told some folks that I was an alcoholic. One person said that I shouldn't judge myself like that. That maybe I could get a six pack of beer and just drink one a day and stay in control of it. Instead of just accepting what I said, they tried to minimize it.

These two examples were from friends. Friends who would rather see me stay the same. In a way, they were happy that they could look down on me. The point is, I just need to be aware of my own life and accept my decisions before I share them with friends and family. They don't want change... they want you to stay just the way you are. When you get to the point of accepting your own intuition then you have become aware.

Negative Words

NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming – to me the key word in NLP is programming. The idea is to change behaviors. To do so the negative aspects of who we are need to change. The first line of this change is the most noticeable for the client. That is done by the words we speak. Powerful words that can affect us negatively.

Eight words which can give us a way out... an escape clause as to why we do not achieve our goals and desires. These words should only be used to install the objectives we desire.

They are – can't, try, could have, if, should, might, but, and would have. Let's look at these negative words.

“Can't” - I can't write a book. I can't change the tire on a car. I can't pay my bills because I don't have enough money. I think you get the idea. My question is... why can't you do these thing? “Can't” makes us feel inferior or less then others. John wrote a book because he had time and I can't because I have no time. What are you doing that you can't find the time? Can you pay your bills when you budget your money or increase your income? Get rid of the word “can't.”

“Try” - Try in our society is an acceptable form of saying we are doing our best. Though if we succeed then we don't need to try do we? An example, your employer asks you to have an assignment done by the end of the week. The week ends and you are asked if you completed the project. Your response is, “I tried but I didn't get it done.” The boss right away feels a little let down and wonders did you really try at all.

“If” - If only I had this or if only I did this. To me, “if” is a word of fantasy. Years ago I wrote a poem entitled What If? It was about the choices I didn't make in my life and now looking back I wonder where my life would be if my journey went down another path. The idea of “if” being a negative word is because it puts us back in the past and regretting the choices we have made. And looking back to the past with regrets doesn't help us at all. A saying I heard in AA years ago goes well here. “It's OK to look at the past, just don't stare at it.” The word “if” can make us stare at it.

“Might” - I might move. I might write a fourth book. I might make a living with NLP. “Might” shows me that I can have dreams and goals, though “might” doesn't make it concrete. It doesn't set out a plan on how I will write a fourth book or how I will move or how I will start a business. “Might” deals with fantasies and gives us an escape when we don't follow through. After all, I said I might write another book, that doesn't mean I will.

“But” - Years ago during my first marriage we were in family counseling, my wife (now ex) and our four kids. Our counselor had one rule whenever we had something to share we could not use the word “but.” At the time it didn't make much sense to me, now I look at it and see that “but” as a way of keeping us a victim. An example. I want to go to England this Christmas and enjoy a holiday in the old world, but I'm scared of flying. One part shares my joy and excitement of going on a trip, then the rest says, “Oh poor Dave.” The other side of the coin where “but” could be productive is something like this. I want to go to England this holiday season, but I can't get a passport because of my past troubles with the law.

Now that was just an example. To set the record straight, I did spend the 2010 Christmas season in England and have my ticket in place for another holiday season for 2011. And yes, I'm very excited to return to that beautiful country.

I will lump the last three together. Anyone who has stepped foot into a 12 Step room know these three words, “could have, should, and would have.” In the rooms they are, “woulda, coulda, shoulda's.” Another wonderful way of being overly critical about our past and fill us with depression and regrets. Just look back at the things you could have done, or should have done, or how you wished about what you would have done. Let it go. The “woulda, coulda, shoulda's” serve no purpose for those in recovery and can stagnate our growth today.
 

Bosses

Do you remember all your bosses? I can name a few that were totally useless. While, I'm sure we've all had a few bosses who were ... well ... you know what I mean.

But how many bosses have you had that made work enjoyable? I had the privilege of working for two super bosses. And even though it has been some time since I worked for them, my respect continues to grow for both of them.

A few years ago, my former boss, Jerry Campbell retired. On his last day of work I shook his hand and told him that through my years of working for many different bosses he was the second one to earn my respect. I didn’t say this just to be nice, but rather as a factual response. Through nearly 30 years in the workforce, I’ve had two managers whom I would go back to work with in a minute.

For eight years I worked at a church and school. The first five years, my boss was Dale Wenz. Dale was a former teacher, roughly 10 years older then me, and very patient. Being patient and a former teacher made him an excellent boss. When I started this job I had no real knowledge about custodial care of a building, nor any knowledge of steam boilers, or any idea of major care and maintenance of a building that size.

Dale was a great boss because he was an excellent teacher. The first time I tore into a boiler, he sat in a chair and watched. He told me step by step what I needed to do. He didn’t lift a hand to help me. He didn’t even say “I wouldn’t do it that way.” He just sat and watched. That first time a half hour job took me close to two hours. But I learned and it was because of Dale’s patience and confidence in me, that I could do it. The next time the boiler needed to be worked on, Dale told me he would be at the other end of the building and if I needed to ask him a question to come and find him. That time it took me an hour, but I did it all by myself.

Dale had the faith in me which helped me succeed. With this faith, I realized he trusted me. And it might take me all day to make a project work, but he knew if I really needed help I would ask for it. More importantly to me was the fact that I knew the work would get done.

Now Jerry was a teacher in his field. That old saying “he’s forgotten more then I will ever know,” was very true with Jerry. But Jerry never flaunted his knowledge. He went about his job as a professional. He would give his advice once – just once. If you wanted to listen and ask questions, he would teach you. One of the wisest things he ever told me was that when you teach someone, you teach them how to do a job. Not how you would do the job, but how to do it. It was up to the student to learn how to do a job, the way he wanted it done. Not the way the teacher wanted it done.

Both of these bosses looked for results and growth from their employees. And they both had the confidence and faith that their employees would do their best when left alone. Yes, they would check-up on them, but they’d leave the work for them. For the most part they didn't lecture on how a job should be performed. They taught and then they let their students learn on their own.

Though Dale and Jerry were as different as night and day, they earned my respect for the knowledge they had, not just with their jobs, but with their ability to relate with their workers. Through them I learned the manners of a great boss.

- To have patience and understand that no one is perfect.
- To realize that to have good help, they must get their hands dirty. You can learn just so much by watching. There comes a point where you just need to do it!
- To back away and let your help learn. With this the boss will also understand things won’t get done as quickly – at first. But in time, they will be just as proficient.
- Like a dying flower, an employee will wither and die, if the boss shows no confidence or faith in their help.
- Your help are human beings. They do have feelings and the words that are said can have a lasting effect.

If you have a “great” boss cherish them, because they are hard to find!

A new beginning

The law of energy basically says that energy constantly changes and that no adverse consequences are experienced unless one intervenes with its free movement.

With my first day of sobriety I thought that I could help others by not only sharing my life's story with others but by helping others finding the power they have within themselves. My way of accomplishing that was by someday becoming a substance abuse counselor.

At the time though I didn't understand or fully grasp the energy of the Universe and I didn't make it work with me. Instead I forced my will on its free movement.

It's OK that I might never become a counselor. That doesn't mean I haven't had the ability to help others. That has taken place at meetings and sharing with others, both in a 12 Step fellowship as well as in the outside world.

I feel uniquely qualified with helping others because of my background as an alcoholic, as an addict, as a child of an alcoholic, and as a codependent. But I still wanted something that said I can help.

And I found that with a short term therapy program called Neuro Linguistic Programing (NLP). I signed up for the course at American University of NLP and was quickly excited by what I was hearing and reading. A very spiritual program, that I
feel fits in well with all 12 Step Programs. I fell into it and learned so much about myself and learned that I had a lot to offer.

On August 16, 2011 I was certified as an NLP Practitioner. And shortly after receiving this certification I enrolled in the Master Practitioner's course.

So what is NLP? This is what I wrote on my final exam when explaining what it meant to me. “NLP can be viewed as a toolbox that has all the information available to help people change. It offers a restructuring of life. It involves techniques
that show, spiritually and physically, our potential power to change and to grow. It empowers a person on their journey to fulfilling their own goals. Through it all NLP shows that it isn't about controlling people, but rather by helping one self we
are able to help others.” And I concluded by saying in its simplest terms NLP is, “finding the excellence within and championing one's own power.”

I have had two sessions with two different people. Both were for free, just me practicing what I have learned and both people left with huge smiles knowing that change for them was in their hands.

I'm excited with where this could lead me and am looking forward to see where this latest part of my journey takes me.

In the upcoming months, I will be adding a page to Creating Dreams, that will deal with NLP in more depth. Right now I just want to soak in my circle of excellence and look at my framed certification and realize that another dream has become a reality.