Too Many Enemies

Their are people who treat me like my last drink was yesterday.  These people expect me to beg for forgiveness for the rest of my life.  I don't mean to sound cold, but I asked many years ago and it wasn't accepted.  I acknowledged their pain - the pain that I inflicted - what else is expected of me?
I've never expected anyone to forget my past.  There was a lot of damage and a lot of hurt.  But the worst thing for an alcoholic is to dwell on the past.  I never want to forget it - I don't want history to repeat itself - but I can't live in the past either.  I've tried my best to move on, but some will always see me as just a sick drunk.

 

Too many enemies

time goes to fast…
yet… now it moves to slow
no happy medium
and the time runs out

just waiting… waiting…
for a ray of hope
a light in the tunnel
that is still pitch black

hard to keep faith
hard to move forward
when surrounded by doubt and fear
more then just paranoia

walls continue to cave in
finding strength… gets harder
securing answers
with still more questions

is failure part of destiny
or the creation of a new hell
built on false pride and denial
a journey of pain

can not accept the easy way
martyrdom a strong badge
difficult to cut free
but… why

Shadows of the Past

If not careful, a dysfunctional past has a way of destroying the present. It's easier said then done, but sometimes you just need to "Let Go and Let God..."

asking for forgiveness from you
yet I can't forgive myself
no matter how much goodness comes
the past rips my body in two

some days I can feel His Grace
and wonder if things will be better
maybe forgiveness has been accepted
then shame returns filled with disgrace

the past haunts me
it denies me of happiness
just want a little peace
God please set me free

hidden in the silence of fear
a boy dies a little each day
secrets you'll never understand
just spitting in the mirror

don't guess or even judge
I've judged myself enough
creating a lifetime sentence
forever holding a grudge

suicide is not the way
but death becomes worshiped
dreaming of a future
where the past doesn't have a say

A Victim's Promise

days offer no solace
nights bring no relief
depressed by lies
cold shoulders from stories told

promises made but never kept
in a house of babble
words have no meaning
illusions perceived
as ultimate truths

reality is real
leave the high horse
no need to build up
something that doesn't exist

fueled by insecurity
looking for comfort
from a pat on the back
and an unseen imagine in a mirror

driving people insane
by games played and hearts broken
kicking them aside
like yesterday's garbage

justification comes
by the role of the victim
one heart may be healed
while dozens are destroyed

manipulative games
created from dysfunctional needs
so much energy wasted
in a hell self-created

a victim, a martyr
a toxic life
where escape is possible
bud sadly ...
not requested

The 12 Steps... the poem

A simple poem I wrote about the 12 Steps and it is on the CD entitled '12'

they told me
"do the steps, all 12 of them
than... you'll find your Friend"
they went on to say
"believe me it will get
a little better... day by day"

Step One... there was nothing I could do
quite depressed... feeling blue
Step Two... I sought a new belief
slowly... it provided some relief
Step Three... answers I began to find
it brought about some peace of mind
Step Four... I looked deep inside
no longer did I want to run or hide
Step Five... I put my trust in Him
and told another all my sins
Step Six... I saw all the defects based in shame
I'd throw away all those old games
Step Seven... I found a gift in humility
a new world I'd see
Step Eight... a list was made when I searched my soul
years of abuse had took its toll
Step Nine... I began making amends
apologies was the only message I'd send
Step Ten... the truth was easy to see
an inventory would help keep me free
Step Eleven... my new Friendship was strong
with prayer and meditation days weren't so long
Step Twelve... I couldn't wait to share
and let others know we care

they spoke the truth
life did get better
I found peace within
which made the world
more peaceful and serene

Who Are You?

From an abusive childhood to an insane present... what is the answer for a peaceful tomorrow?

  

Who are you?

hiding in the cyber world

writing words…

providing no answers

deciphering thoughts by

reading between the lines

still answers are just an anomaly

so many years in the gutter

destroyed by ones own abuse

a warped mind with distorted visions

living in a world… all alone

a sociopath… a psychopath…

a path with no returns

an outer realm of peace

an inner view to shame

a cool day sitting on a park bench

reliving memories…

screams of the past…

always invade

needing a new life…

with new thoughts

but the old ways…

always say… NO

dreams eventually turn sour

the nightmares? all to real

can a reality be found…

from the panics of the past

and the illusions of the future?

or… is it even possible

without a present?

no longer an innocent child

playing childish games

from the minute we learn to walk

we’re one step closer to our Maker

tick tock… tick tock…

is that the only answer

to make the insanity stop?

Forgiveness Through Him

True forgiveness can not take place for a victim until they can find a part in them to forgive their perpetrator. 

 the skies split the clouds
and the heavens were before me
awed... speechless...
standing... then kneeling
my life past before me
both good times and bad

I begged to be forgiven
for my anger... my rage
the way I kept score
storing away resentments
like prized possessions
please... forgive me

from the heavens... He came
I bowed my head
not worthy... to be in His presence
I gazed at His sandaled feet
waiting for justice... to be served
waiting... waiting

He finally spoke
and I remembered the words
"It is better to forgive...
then to be forgiven."
He spoke of letting go
and to trust His wisdom

the past... he said...
is just that... the past
having no place in my heart
anger... I was told
kept us from connecting
in a way He wished

after His talk
my soul came alive
and I cried tears of freedom
letting go of the anger... the past
filled me with compassion
and love... His Love

Reality Is OK

A poem I wrote in 2009.  Reality at times can really bite... but it is real. Not distorted through a glass of alcohol.   I was abused and you pleaded ignorance I cried and was told to grow up locked myself in a room and you were happy left the trauma of childhood behind but the pain followed stayed drunk... stayed numb found drugs... became whole again pot... hash... cocaine... heroin... meth... PCP... LSD... and then... abuse became self-inflicted pain was replaced with anger trauma... with rage lost my soul and stole yours maybe suicide is the solution... no pain... no memories eternally numb no longer fighting myself a nightmare life... over but then... I took a deep breathe and dreamed of peace and serenity threw away the needles and put down the bottle and prayed for strength and courage on my knees I got stronger with every step a promise was fulfilled and for the first time reality felt OK

God Helped Me

ACOA Step 7 Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

God Helped Me

I no longer want to be hit

I'm tired of being treated like shit

can't you see the pain I'm in

please stop this unforgivable sin

I know you saw what happened to me

I kept the faith… just wanted to be free

many nights I heard the screams

freedom filled my dreams

life filled with blood and black eyes

learned very early how to lie

never got to be innocent and just play

I dreaded each and every day

as age killed the child in me

those childhood shortcomings I began to see

awakening I was filled with shame

I only knew the manipulation game

a new journey would begin

the child saw that we could win

a life of peace and serenity

the future I could see

anger and hatred began to leave

childhood lost… began to grieve

never thought forgiveness would come

the past was buried… it was done

Thank you God for helping me

once a prisoner… now free

each day I praise your name

realizing life will never be the same

Is This Really Me?

The Law of Acceptance states that all suffering and experience which we conceptually label as negative is the result of our failure to accept what is.

Could a person be loved after years of hearing they are unlovable?  Can they be intelligent when all they heard was how dumb they were?  Part of acceptance is erasing those old messages and accepting that we are OK...

Is This Really Me?

She said, “I love you”
yet... I struggle to accept it
so many failures
so much guilt
the failure now is lack of acceptance

She sees something
yet... I can't look in the mirror
together we talk acceptance
I do accept her
but... I struggle to accept me

The more she praises me
I wonder if she sees the real me
then the table turns
and I wonder
do I see the real me?

Childhood taught me many failures
punched by parents
bruised by brothers
the physical pain healed
yet there were unseen scars

Those messages were more then words
they became me... I became them
messages that accepted me as a failure
so many years never questioning
those negative messages

No longer accepting them
she said, “I love you”
finally... I can see the truth
worthy of love... worthy of acceptance
no longer is the image one of suffering

This brought me comfort...

Have been feeling overwhelmed & exhausted with one thing and another lately and I realised the main cause was that I had 'lost my centre'. My physical health was at a low ebb and that made me more vulnerable usual. I had been placing once again too much power in what others thought of  me, what others think/thought I should be doing, their expectations and so on.... Possibly some of their expectations I have to say I think were 'imaginings' in my own mind! !!! This poem helped me so much. I hope it brings some comfort to anyone else out there going through a similar rough patch. I have no doubt I, among other things have been unreasonable and illogical too lately! BUT I NEVER want to lose my soul simply to blend with other's values.
 Blessings, Snowie.

Happy (Sad) Anniversary

One year ago today, a recovery message board that I was a moderator on began to crack at the seams... the reason? One very toxic person who decided they knew what was best for everyone.

She made posts that I deleted and I sent her private messages as to my reasoning for deleting those threads... but she ignored theses messages and continued to be belligerent and anything but in a recovery mind.

It finally got to the point that I set down very strict rules for her to follow... so what does she do? She sends that PRIVATE message to everyone. That day nine members were on the board at the same time... how do I know that? Because it is still the most members on at the same time...

That day was the beginning of the end of that board... six months later I was removed as a mod and I left. I wasn't the first one to leave... nor the last.

That person got her wish and got me off that board... in the process though other people left... today the board is dead... the on-line meetings are dead.

It is sad because it all could have been diverted if she just made amends to the people she hurt. But in her mind she didn't hurt anyone.

Oh well, out of it 14 of us found a new board... a home we could call our own... where we aren't wondering if the new member is someone who we don't want it to be. From that 14 we are now at 19 and making new friends and recovery mates.

None of this would have been possible if this person wasn't so sick... so in a way she helped us all find a better home...

These folks have helped me with some inspirational thoughts... here is one I wrote to the board as a whole...


One written from a thread about giving thanks inspired by Beth


And one from some childhood photos of a lady named Rosie


Well, to that person thanks for raising so much cain... because of you I have found so much peace and happiness...

ACOA Promises

Help me God... Make this promise true

The 12th Promise of ACOA states, "Gradually, with our Higher Power's help, we learn to expect the best and get it."



Help Me God... Make This Promise True

No way… I ever thought it
No way… I ever dreamed it
I was told it wasn’t meant for me
Life would be hard… not easy or free

Messages that said I wasn’t worthy
That the sin of being born
Would follow me throughout life
The only reward would be death itself

Eyes of death… I wander this world
Never quite finding my place
Until finally I screamed…. ENOUGH
I deserve to be happy

My Higher Power and me had a long talk
I realized he wasn’t the enemy… but my friend
I saw for the first time that this friendship
Would be built on expectations

He expected me to be respectful and honest,
As well as loving and caring.
I expected Him to be trustworthy and loyal
As well as loving and caring.

These expectations filled our needs
With Him on my side… a strong bond was formed
The messages from the past disappeared
No longer would I settle for second best

And my Higher Power smiled
He said with pride and joy
“There is only one message to remember
You deserve the best… now go and get it.”

Spreading Our Wings

The Eleventh Promise of ACOA says, “With help from our ACA support group we will slowly release our dysfunctional behaviors.”


Spreading Our Wings


Spreading Our Wings
we listen to the stories told
the messages... began to unfold
it was easy to see
they let go of the past... they were free

like it happened yesterday
speechless... didn't know what to say
learned to laugh and cry
so intense... no longer wanting to hide

new messages we began to receive
the past... no longer could deceive
like a Wren spreading her wings
songs of hope she began to sing

serenity and peace came into sight
no longer living with constant fright
lot more things needed to be done
there was a simple joy with the morning sun

it wasn't a story... we saw life in all its glory
it was quite true ... the water was crystal blue
the grass was green... all the colors so serene
just for today... I'll watch the birds come my way

a child is born again...
ready to become my best friend
learn to spread those wings and fly...
come on Wren... fly!!! baby fly!!!

Can you hear that?

The Tenth Promise of ACOA says, "Fears of failures and success will leave us, as we intuitively make healthier choices."



Can You Hear That?

Can you hear that?
Listen closely…
A light wind…
Can you feel it touching your soul?
Listen… can you hear
The birds singing?
Aaaah… a mom and dad playing with there child
Can you hear that?

Feel the love touching your heart.
Listen to the girls playing hopscotch
Giggling and laughing
And the music in background… their music
So much life… just listen
The puppies that are playing
Not a worry in the world
Can you hear that?

Hear the “ding” of the oven?
Your meal is ready.
Listen to the sighs
As others enjoy the fine taste
Then the talk around the table
Foolish words… wise words
Words of concern… words of love
Can you hear that?

The smile of your neighbor
The teachings of your friends
Listen closely…
The words they have
The thoughts they share
Touch a place in our soul
Intuitively we know

Our higher power is at work
Can you hear that?

Recovery is a choice

The 9th Promise of ACOA says, "Healthy boundaries and limits will become easier for us to set."


Recovery Is A Choice


How will I take it
What choices do I have
Whatever I choose the choice is mine
To look at the past
Or see a future where the past has no say

With strength and courage
Fear has no home
With strength from above
I never dreamed I was this strong

Attacked as a child
And it shut me down… for a little while
I drank to much… did to many drugs
But I didn’t want to stop…
First it was done in spite
Then I couldn't quit

When I screamed “Help me”
I was never alone again
There was nothing I couldn’t do…
If I can dream it… I can do it
Physical sobriety… emotional sobriety
Gave me the power of faith… of dreams

For so long I lived in the nightmares
The shame… the anger… the resentments…
Even the pity… they were me.

I haven’t really changed… but my attitude has.
Half my life… I was defeated… no future… nothing
But now it is my choice to stay that way or move forward
I choose to move forward… on a journey of hopes and dreams


Epictetus said, “It’s not what happens to you,

But how you react to it that matters.”
Today, I chose to live the dream
The dream of what might be
Not the nightmare of what was

Nothing would change… unless I did
Today I choose to leave the past behind

To take that leap of faith
To be open… to be vulnerable
The choice is mine… and I thank God
That today I choose life… over death

Dreaming of responsible love...

The 8th Promise of ACOA is "We will chose to love people who can love and be responsible for themselves."


Dreaming Of Responsible Love

I thought I fell in love
But my views were distorted
I thought love meant being one
In all places… and all things

I thought your happiness
Was my happiness
Your sadness… was because of me
My quest? To keep you happy

This distorted love
Made me hate myself
I lost my soul
Trying to please you

The more I tried to please
The harder it was to achieve
I kept giving… giving… giving
Until… I was bankrupt

I’ll try again
I want love… I want to feel its beauty
But the choice will change
Love built upon responsibility

My actions will be mine
Her actions will be hers
Love will be supportive
Not boastful or arrogant

Together we will still be individuals
Apart we will still be one
We’ll grow closer
Love built on responsibility will be our guide

I Want To Play

The seventh promise of Adult Children of Alcoholics says, "We will learn how to play and have fun in our lives."


I Want To Play

I fought for years to be an adult
as a child I was all grown up
by the age of ten


I didn't need to feel
it served me no purpose
I couldn't let you see me cry
nor could I ever be wrong
my survival depended
on being strong
never wrong – perfect


With this life...
I had no need for fun
or to play with friends


All enjoyment came
in the secrecy of my mind
never to be shared with anyone
for fear of what you would think
what you would see


I survived this way
for many years
and then...
and then I realized
I was an adult
who yearned to be a child


I wanted to play
to run in the rain
to jump in puddles
I wanted fantasies to come alive
I wanted to spoil the child in me


I began to see it was OK
to play... to have fun
and that child... was so excited
saying “That's great! Let's go!”
and I listened to the child
and I'm glad I did
I learned how to play
and life became fun

Leaving Rage For Peace

The sixth promise of ACOA says, "We will enjoy feeling stable, peaceful, and financially secure."



Leaving Rage For Peace


Is it possible to find stability and peace
from a lifetime of terror... and nightmares
the blood curdling screams... are still quite fresh
pretending to be asleep... hoping the touches wouldn't start
the only stability I had were thoughts...
of your death... my death

peace was found only outside the home
and that... was short lived
legs got heavier with every step
turning a doorknob that returned me to hell
a world I couldn't escape...
yet so desperately wanted to end

from this childhood... I grew
finding insecurity... anger... rage
so desperately wanted friends
yet pushed them away
painfully wanted to be loved
yet sabotaged this as well

undeserving of friendship
undeserving of love
totally believing the messages
parents wouldn't lie
just no good... to myself...
to others... so much wanted to die
yet couldn't even accomplish that

you know what mom and dad?
you were wrong!
your shame was yours... not mine
and I won't keep it anymore
physically I grew
emotionally I froze
until I screamed... no more!!!

I still battle you every day
yet... I refuse to listen
to messages of destruction
I do deserve to be at peace and find stability
I'll continue to search...
and pray for God's Grace
everyday I find some hope
everyday a little more peace
everyday a little more stability and security

it's fragile at best
and I cherish every moment
that it is granted to me...
and I pray I learn to embrace it
instead of chasing it away

No Longer My Weakness

The fifth promise of the Adult Children of Alcoholic's Fellowship states, "As we face our abandonment issues, we will be attracted by strengths and become more tolerant of weaknesses."


No Longer My Weakness


I'm scared... because of my past
I didn't want you to know
how weak I really had become
a hopeless child
who worshiped my abusers

they wouldn't lie to me
they told me I was worthless
and I believed them
cutting... biting remarks
that killed my soul

I kept coming back for more
they were my heroes
somehow... someway
I'd do whatever it took
to get their love...
honestly... just to be acknowledged
would have given me life

sadly I realized...
I was asking for something
you couldn't give
nourishment... encouragement...
support... not only for your child
but your brother as well

suicidal thoughts
a death wish to escape
messages from a past
buried deep within
outside... quiet and alone
inside... screaming and pleading
“Please I want to live”

That was it... no more
you're my past... some of you buried
others... just distant memories
there may have been good times
but I don't remember them
I've moved on...
and my weakness
has become my strength

I'm not garbage...
nor am I a mistake
a journey is unfolding
wondrous and joyful
no longer alone
me and my Higher Power
hand in hand
walking together
towards the promised land