Just wanted to share some good news I got in my e-mail tonight. My third book, Creating Dreams, from the nightmares of hell is finally close to the finish line.
It took three years to write and will complete my trilogy. It deals with my childhood and the insanity I endured. And I had a heck of time with the publisher over it. First, it was copyright issues and some things that are revealed in it. It is quite a powerful and explosive book - if I do say so.
This is my final step of letting go of the secrets. I first sent the book to my publisher in December 2008 and now I finally have the press proofs. 217 pages, broken into two parts.
I am so grateful that my Higher Power has given me gifts that I can use - constructively. As an ACOA I was never good at seeing a project from start to finish. I usually would quit halfway through...
And this book... more then once I never thought would be finished.
My books to me are my children... I nourished them and fed them and watch them grow. So hopefully before the new year... I'll be welcoming home my newest child.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Shyness
From A Day At A Time - We learn in the program that shyness is just another manifestation of self-centered fear, which is the root of all our character defects. Shyness, specifically, is fear of what others think or might think of us. To our enormous relief, our shyness gradually leaves us as we work the program and interact with others.
This is what we talked about last night at a meeting. And this one statement just jumped right out at me.
I grew up as an introvert. Very quiet and to myself. Then as I matured I just looked at it as being shy. I never really looked at it as a character defect. People that knew me - liked me.
It may take them awhile to know me but after they did then they figured I was OK.
But looking back on it now, I realize all the time and energy they gave trying to get to know me because my shyness was an obstacle to developing a serious relationship with anyone.
I've learned that I was shy because I didn't want anyone to see how flawed and defective I was. All I wanted them to see was a strong silent person, that basically was emotionless.
My shyness was a fear of being found out that I wasn't perfect. A fear that no matter how I presented myself, I was very insecure - and hurting - and lonely.
I'm still a pretty quiet person, but I'm not shy. My quietness today comes from faith that I'm OK just the way I am with all my flaws, because I'm still a work in progress...
This is what we talked about last night at a meeting. And this one statement just jumped right out at me.
I grew up as an introvert. Very quiet and to myself. Then as I matured I just looked at it as being shy. I never really looked at it as a character defect. People that knew me - liked me.
It may take them awhile to know me but after they did then they figured I was OK.
But looking back on it now, I realize all the time and energy they gave trying to get to know me because my shyness was an obstacle to developing a serious relationship with anyone.
I've learned that I was shy because I didn't want anyone to see how flawed and defective I was. All I wanted them to see was a strong silent person, that basically was emotionless.
My shyness was a fear of being found out that I wasn't perfect. A fear that no matter how I presented myself, I was very insecure - and hurting - and lonely.
I'm still a pretty quiet person, but I'm not shy. My quietness today comes from faith that I'm OK just the way I am with all my flaws, because I'm still a work in progress...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Karma, Love, and Higher Powers
Sometimes, just by rambling I can clear up the confusion in my own mind. So where this goes I really don't know. I'll let my Higher Power guide me.
First, let me introduce you to my Higher Power. Her name is Love. And for me it is the essence of unconditional Love. This Love can be found in many different religions but isn't "owned" by just one. This is the Love of the universe.
My confusion with Love has been with a word that I keep seeing popping up on different websites and message boards I belong too. The word is Karma. A word that to me belongs specifically to me. I have my own karma, just as everyone else has their own. I was born with karma and my life has been learning how to live with it.
So there are my two parts - Karma and Love. Now if I believe that I want healthy karma then I need to respect everyone else's karma. If I want Love, then I need to show Love. If I want peace, then I need to show peace. So, if I believe this then is the opposite also true? If I want hate, do I show hate? Of course not, who wants hate?
So can karma be negative? Would I want karma if it filled me with hate and thoughts of revenge, if I knew it would come back at me? Even if I'm waiting for a negative karma to flow back to an evil-doer, am I not in fact waiting for that negative karma to also flow back to me.
And if I believe in unconditional Love, how can I have any feelings toward hateful karma? They can't co-exist, at least in my mind. And if I have those hateful revenge seeking thoughts that I can not be in touch with my Higher Power - Love.
Like I said, just some rambling thoughts. To me karma is the way of the universe. If I say that I'm in touch with Karma, yet pray that Love seeks revenge, then I don't have either. I guess I just can't see how they can co-exist. If I have a strong relationship with Love, then I can't have negative karma.
I guess the best definition I can think of with negative karma would be a professional victim. Thanks for listening to my own confusion.
First, let me introduce you to my Higher Power. Her name is Love. And for me it is the essence of unconditional Love. This Love can be found in many different religions but isn't "owned" by just one. This is the Love of the universe.
My confusion with Love has been with a word that I keep seeing popping up on different websites and message boards I belong too. The word is Karma. A word that to me belongs specifically to me. I have my own karma, just as everyone else has their own. I was born with karma and my life has been learning how to live with it.
So there are my two parts - Karma and Love. Now if I believe that I want healthy karma then I need to respect everyone else's karma. If I want Love, then I need to show Love. If I want peace, then I need to show peace. So, if I believe this then is the opposite also true? If I want hate, do I show hate? Of course not, who wants hate?
So can karma be negative? Would I want karma if it filled me with hate and thoughts of revenge, if I knew it would come back at me? Even if I'm waiting for a negative karma to flow back to an evil-doer, am I not in fact waiting for that negative karma to also flow back to me.
And if I believe in unconditional Love, how can I have any feelings toward hateful karma? They can't co-exist, at least in my mind. And if I have those hateful revenge seeking thoughts that I can not be in touch with my Higher Power - Love.
Like I said, just some rambling thoughts. To me karma is the way of the universe. If I say that I'm in touch with Karma, yet pray that Love seeks revenge, then I don't have either. I guess I just can't see how they can co-exist. If I have a strong relationship with Love, then I can't have negative karma.
I guess the best definition I can think of with negative karma would be a professional victim. Thanks for listening to my own confusion.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
32 Years!
As some of you know I am a diehard Iowa State fan. Which at times can be quite hard. It's not always been pretty, in fact some years it's been brutal rooting for the Cyclones. But this year in football with a new head coach, the team is becoming respectable again.
They are becoming a team that you can't take for granted. No longer are they the Big 12's doormats. A lot of records have fallen this year. Week 1 ended a 10 game losing streak. Week 4 ended a 17 game road losing streak. Week 6 ended an 11 game losing streak in the Big 12. Then they followed that up with a road win in the Big 12 for the first time in 15 games at Nebraska. A place they hadn't won in since 1977 - 32 years! Go Clones!
Start watching them. They keep winning (5-3 right now) and Paul Rhoads should be coach of the year.
They are becoming a team that you can't take for granted. No longer are they the Big 12's doormats. A lot of records have fallen this year. Week 1 ended a 10 game losing streak. Week 4 ended a 17 game road losing streak. Week 6 ended an 11 game losing streak in the Big 12. Then they followed that up with a road win in the Big 12 for the first time in 15 games at Nebraska. A place they hadn't won in since 1977 - 32 years! Go Clones!
Start watching them. They keep winning (5-3 right now) and Paul Rhoads should be coach of the year.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Scars That Don't Heal
I learned with every 12 Step group that I've participated in that I am powerless... that I need to surrender all control.
I don't entirely agree with that. And every time I say that at a meeting. The eyebrows raise and I go on to explain myself. By the time I finish explaining many agree with me.
There is one thing that I have total control over is my word. If I say something, I should stick to it. If I make a commitment to a project then I need to follow it through.
The words I speak can either be filled with love and peace... or anger and hate. The choice is mine.
The reason I say that is because when I first started dating after my divorce, three separate women on different occasions said to me that they would rather suffer physical abuse rather then verbal abuse.
Their reasoning was a black-eye will disappear. The pain on their will leave. But the words spoken to them in anger are harder to get rid of. I never looked at it that way.
I used to take pride in a fact that I never hit my ex-wife. But after talking to these three ladies, I realized that I did abuse her with my words. It was a slap in the face because as an ACOA I should have known the power in words.
The video below is a poem I wrote. In fact, it was the first poem I ever had published back in 1996. It's kind of intense... but the subject is.
Today... I choose to use words of love and peace...
I don't entirely agree with that. And every time I say that at a meeting. The eyebrows raise and I go on to explain myself. By the time I finish explaining many agree with me.
There is one thing that I have total control over is my word. If I say something, I should stick to it. If I make a commitment to a project then I need to follow it through.
The words I speak can either be filled with love and peace... or anger and hate. The choice is mine.
The reason I say that is because when I first started dating after my divorce, three separate women on different occasions said to me that they would rather suffer physical abuse rather then verbal abuse.
Their reasoning was a black-eye will disappear. The pain on their will leave. But the words spoken to them in anger are harder to get rid of. I never looked at it that way.
I used to take pride in a fact that I never hit my ex-wife. But after talking to these three ladies, I realized that I did abuse her with my words. It was a slap in the face because as an ACOA I should have known the power in words.
The video below is a poem I wrote. In fact, it was the first poem I ever had published back in 1996. It's kind of intense... but the subject is.
Today... I choose to use words of love and peace...
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Principles before personalities
Principles before Personalities
This simple little tradition is a part of every 12 Step group. It is impossible to get a group of people together without some friction developing because of personalities. That is where the principles of the program and what we are working for are more important then personalities.
Through my time in various face-to-face meetings, I have met people whom I really didn't care for as a person. There was one person who as soon as they spoke it raised my blood pressure. And though I never told this person that I really didn't care for them - they knew.
It happened after a meeting one night and we ended up outside and somehow we started talking. That night, that person earned my respect. He said, "I know we'll never be friends, but that doesn't mean we can't support each other." He was right and that night I learned that principles are a lot more important then personalities.
My recovery is not only based on my friends in the program, but also those I'm not quite close too. Worst enemies may never be friends, but together they can work towards a common goal - that is recovery.
On another post, Rosie mentioned that she was close to leaving this board awhile back. I remember it like it was yesterday. There was very little activity on this site. You'd post something and maybe get one or two responses, but over 50 people viewed it. But we came together as a family and made it work. And every time someone new joins our family, it brings a smile to me, knowing that we have overcome personalities and have been living the principles.
As this board started to grow, more and more people were sharing, and I don't know about anyone else, but I feel as though I've gotten to know each one of you personally. We've got a great board here because we have become part of each other's lives. We have indeed moved beyond personalities.
And because of that it hurts me when someone just leaves. They delete their profile and it makes me wonder - was it something I said or did? I may never know and it hurts. Each one of us plays an important part in making this board work and when one piece of our wonderful family disappears, it creates a void... a hole... that's hard to replace.
The principle of this board is to share our ESH and share a part of ourselves in a safe environment. That principle always needs to be first - ahead of personalities. So, if there a personality conflict, try to resolve it in a healthy manner, that not only benefits you but also the other person.
Principles before personalities can not be achieved by oneself. It's a team effort... wait... let me change that... it's a family effort. And in my opinion, this family, this home, is worth that effort.
This simple little tradition is a part of every 12 Step group. It is impossible to get a group of people together without some friction developing because of personalities. That is where the principles of the program and what we are working for are more important then personalities.
Through my time in various face-to-face meetings, I have met people whom I really didn't care for as a person. There was one person who as soon as they spoke it raised my blood pressure. And though I never told this person that I really didn't care for them - they knew.
It happened after a meeting one night and we ended up outside and somehow we started talking. That night, that person earned my respect. He said, "I know we'll never be friends, but that doesn't mean we can't support each other." He was right and that night I learned that principles are a lot more important then personalities.
My recovery is not only based on my friends in the program, but also those I'm not quite close too. Worst enemies may never be friends, but together they can work towards a common goal - that is recovery.
On another post, Rosie mentioned that she was close to leaving this board awhile back. I remember it like it was yesterday. There was very little activity on this site. You'd post something and maybe get one or two responses, but over 50 people viewed it. But we came together as a family and made it work. And every time someone new joins our family, it brings a smile to me, knowing that we have overcome personalities and have been living the principles.
As this board started to grow, more and more people were sharing, and I don't know about anyone else, but I feel as though I've gotten to know each one of you personally. We've got a great board here because we have become part of each other's lives. We have indeed moved beyond personalities.
And because of that it hurts me when someone just leaves. They delete their profile and it makes me wonder - was it something I said or did? I may never know and it hurts. Each one of us plays an important part in making this board work and when one piece of our wonderful family disappears, it creates a void... a hole... that's hard to replace.
The principle of this board is to share our ESH and share a part of ourselves in a safe environment. That principle always needs to be first - ahead of personalities. So, if there a personality conflict, try to resolve it in a healthy manner, that not only benefits you but also the other person.
Principles before personalities can not be achieved by oneself. It's a team effort... wait... let me change that... it's a family effort. And in my opinion, this family, this home, is worth that effort.
Friday, September 4, 2009
My Final Week - Day 7
This is it. A very spiritual week ends - with sobriety. Thanks for reading and letting me share a week that started in hell and ended on a path of hope.
**********************************************
Made it - sobriety! The date was 9/4/94 a little after 10 AM I had my last sip of alcohol. I woke up and went to town to unlock the church. There was going to be a rare Saturday morning funeral. I got there pretty early and made sure the windows were cleaned, the church was cool, the grounds were presentable, stuff that those at a funeral wouldn't recognize, unless it wasn't done.
I got done a couple of hours before the funeral and went outside to my car. It was 8 AM and on the front seat I still had two cans of beer. Should I drink them? Or pitch 'em? I thought a bit and opened the can and it didn't taste the same. That AA meeting was starting to make me think. But I drank it anyway.
I got out of the car and sat on the bench outside the church and began thinking about that second can. What would I do after I drank it? Would I quit or would I go to town and buy some more? As I thought about it, one of the church secretaries pulled in the parking lot and started towards the building. She seen me sitting there and she just had the biggest smile and said, "What a beautiful morning to be alive!" I really didn't want to talk, but her words sunk in. A great day to be alive.
She went into the building and I walked out to the car and opened the second can of beer and took a couple of sips. I got out and went for a stroll around the building making sure everything was set to go, when I looked up and saw my ex-wife carrying a MacDonald's bag filled with breakfast. We talked for awhile and my emotions went up and down quicker then a ride at the carnival.
We ate together sitting on that bench and I finally got her to leave. I sat there for a moment and thought to myself, that this was nuts. I'm done! I walked out to my car and grabbed the can of beer which was about 2/3 full and I dumped it on the ground.
That was it. I surrender - no more - please Lord no more. I struggled through the rest of the day and as I drove home part of me kept saying, "get some beer we'll start tomorrow." But I didn't stop. That night I locked myself in the house by myself and begged for another 10 minutes of sobriety. That whole weekend my sobriety was based on ten minute increments. "Please Lord, just ten more minutes."
Sunday morning was nasty. I was sweaty, cold, and uncontrollably shaking. "Please Lord, just ten more minutes." It was a very long day. By Sunday night, I was still not feeling the best, but I had enough sense to begin trying to find an out-patient program to help me.
Monday was Labor Day and I remained locked in my house. I needed that weekend to go through the withdrawals - 10 minutes at a time. But by the Grace of God, I made it through that weekend.
Tuesday morning arrived and I was fortunate enough to see a counselor right away. It ended up being a two hour session. It was the first time in a long time that I felt a natural high. And that night, I returned to AA. This time sober.
Today is 15 years. I am so grateful for a second chance at life. Thank you for letting me share a very spiritual week in my life with you. Tonight, I'll receive my 15 year chip and I'll be asked how I did it. And I'll say I did it through Love - His Love.
I can never say it enough, how truly grateful I am for a second chance at life. It was through this gratitude that I was able to look at my whole life. Just short of my one year anniversary, I began working on my co-dependency issues and a month after that I began to understand how my life was almost "scripted" because I was raised in an alcoholic home with two alcoholic parents.
Don't get me wrong, I don't blame my folks for my alcoholism - I did that to myself. But when I combined all three AA, CODA, and ACOA... my life changed from just "being here" to one of adventure. An adventure that started in 10 minute increments... but now I do it one day at a time.
Besides the chip I'll get tonight... I've already got my first gift 15 white roses. Every year we've been together my wife honors me with roses. We started dating shortly before my second birthday. That year she gave me two roses, the next year three, and so on. Over the 13 years we've been together she has given me 102 roses. I can honestly say that she has given me a lot more roses then I have given her.
I usually write poetry for other people or other events. The video below I wrote for myself. It’s entitled "An Attitude of Gratitude."
**********************************************
Made it - sobriety! The date was 9/4/94 a little after 10 AM I had my last sip of alcohol. I woke up and went to town to unlock the church. There was going to be a rare Saturday morning funeral. I got there pretty early and made sure the windows were cleaned, the church was cool, the grounds were presentable, stuff that those at a funeral wouldn't recognize, unless it wasn't done.
I got done a couple of hours before the funeral and went outside to my car. It was 8 AM and on the front seat I still had two cans of beer. Should I drink them? Or pitch 'em? I thought a bit and opened the can and it didn't taste the same. That AA meeting was starting to make me think. But I drank it anyway.
I got out of the car and sat on the bench outside the church and began thinking about that second can. What would I do after I drank it? Would I quit or would I go to town and buy some more? As I thought about it, one of the church secretaries pulled in the parking lot and started towards the building. She seen me sitting there and she just had the biggest smile and said, "What a beautiful morning to be alive!" I really didn't want to talk, but her words sunk in. A great day to be alive.
She went into the building and I walked out to the car and opened the second can of beer and took a couple of sips. I got out and went for a stroll around the building making sure everything was set to go, when I looked up and saw my ex-wife carrying a MacDonald's bag filled with breakfast. We talked for awhile and my emotions went up and down quicker then a ride at the carnival.
We ate together sitting on that bench and I finally got her to leave. I sat there for a moment and thought to myself, that this was nuts. I'm done! I walked out to my car and grabbed the can of beer which was about 2/3 full and I dumped it on the ground.
That was it. I surrender - no more - please Lord no more. I struggled through the rest of the day and as I drove home part of me kept saying, "get some beer we'll start tomorrow." But I didn't stop. That night I locked myself in the house by myself and begged for another 10 minutes of sobriety. That whole weekend my sobriety was based on ten minute increments. "Please Lord, just ten more minutes."
Sunday morning was nasty. I was sweaty, cold, and uncontrollably shaking. "Please Lord, just ten more minutes." It was a very long day. By Sunday night, I was still not feeling the best, but I had enough sense to begin trying to find an out-patient program to help me.
Monday was Labor Day and I remained locked in my house. I needed that weekend to go through the withdrawals - 10 minutes at a time. But by the Grace of God, I made it through that weekend.
Tuesday morning arrived and I was fortunate enough to see a counselor right away. It ended up being a two hour session. It was the first time in a long time that I felt a natural high. And that night, I returned to AA. This time sober.
Today is 15 years. I am so grateful for a second chance at life. Thank you for letting me share a very spiritual week in my life with you. Tonight, I'll receive my 15 year chip and I'll be asked how I did it. And I'll say I did it through Love - His Love.
I can never say it enough, how truly grateful I am for a second chance at life. It was through this gratitude that I was able to look at my whole life. Just short of my one year anniversary, I began working on my co-dependency issues and a month after that I began to understand how my life was almost "scripted" because I was raised in an alcoholic home with two alcoholic parents.
Don't get me wrong, I don't blame my folks for my alcoholism - I did that to myself. But when I combined all three AA, CODA, and ACOA... my life changed from just "being here" to one of adventure. An adventure that started in 10 minute increments... but now I do it one day at a time.
Besides the chip I'll get tonight... I've already got my first gift 15 white roses. Every year we've been together my wife honors me with roses. We started dating shortly before my second birthday. That year she gave me two roses, the next year three, and so on. Over the 13 years we've been together she has given me 102 roses. I can honestly say that she has given me a lot more roses then I have given her.
I usually write poetry for other people or other events. The video below I wrote for myself. It’s entitled "An Attitude of Gratitude."
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