Waiting on a Higher Power

An old story I heard at a meeting a long time ago...

There was a man sitting in his house when the rains started to come. He prayed to his Higher Power that everything would be OK. But the rains kept coming. He heard a pick-up pull into his yard and the driver said, "Hop in before it is to late and the roads wash out."

The man said, "I'm alright, my Higher Power will take care of me." The guy in the pick-up didn't have time to argue with him, so he shook his head and left. But the rains kept coming and the man kept praying.

The water began to enter his home, when he heard the motor of a little boat outside. The man in the boat said, "Hop in, I'll take you to safety."

But again the man refused help saying his Higher Power would take care of him. The guy in the boat shook his head and left.

And the rains kept coming. The man had climbed up to his roof and was sitting there entirely surrounded by the water and the rain kept falling.

A helicopter flew over and dropped a line to the man, "Grab hold and we'll get you to safety."

And again the man refused help saying his Higher Power would protect him. The helicopter pilot left and within hours the man was dead.

As he entered into Heaven he asked God how come He didn't help him? God said, "I sent you a car, I sent you a boat, and I sent you a helicopter. What else could I do?"

The smarter I get the dumber I become

Just when I think I've got things figured out I get thrown a curve ball and look really stupid swinging the bat. No, I don't mean smart in the ways of the world... I will always have an attitude of seeking those who search for the truth and running from those that have found it.

What I am talking about is things on the Internet. I thought I had a good idea of how to make things work and how to get folks to visit my site without spending any money to do it. For the most part I have had success doing it... but today I was humbled and embarrassed where my name has appeared.

This month on my website I have been promoting my new sites on FaceBook and Twitter. I haven't really spent much time on them yet but was hoping to start using them both more frequently. The Twitter account is brand new, while I have had a FaceBook page for quite awhile, exactly how long I couldn't tell you. But that page wasn't really what I wanted to build upon, I wanted a page dedicated just to my website.

So anyway I got it up and running and shared them with a very close friend and she became my first follower on both sites. Well, today she e-mailed me and asked if I have ever looked closely at my friends or if I knew them all. The answer to both was no.

What I have done is just blindly accept friends thinking they were in recovery or a cancer survivor. Well, I found out today that some of my friends are nothing more then links to porn.

I felt so humiliated. I learned a lesson today... no more “blind” friends, I will do a background check on those that want to be friends. I want to further my career in writing and public speaking and having these types of friends don't help my cause at all...

I just really feel like a dummy today... well... live and learn... and yes these folks are no longer my friends...

Protest

Through my time walking on this planet I have been involved in various protests. Heck, I walked in my first peace march against the Vietnam War when I was 13. One thing they all had in common was that the message was strong but it was lost in various forms of violence.

Today's youth really are a lot more creative then when I was their age. I received an e-mail today about a protest at a Target store.

The issues of why these folks were protesting are kind of lost with thoughts of gay people and unions. The message was about large corporations and their now freedom to buy elections... it really is quite scary...

Trust

Sometimes, I have often thought that I was speaking to a wall with some people.  Namely my wife.  I hate to be that blunt but sometimes I felt like what I said went in one ear and out the other.
 
I am a jack of all trades, I can do just about any type of a home repair job as well as any type of a business deal.  But I am far from being a pro at anything.
 
Last year we got audited for back taxes, which threw her into panic mode.  It was all my fault and blah, blah, blah.  Well, it did upset me but I also knew the way I filed it and why I filed it that way that I was really honest and not trying to cheat the government out of any money.
 
Well, she spent hours on the phone talking to family members about our financial affairs… which began to make me doubt myself.
 
Eventually, we went to tax court and they agreed with me and the way I filed it and we didn’t end up paying anymore money.  Not once after that did I get an apology for her doubting me.
 
Another time our clothes dryer broke down.  I broke out my meter and began testing things and found the problem.  Yet, she doubted me and had to call her brother.  Now her brother is an excellent do-it-yourselfer and I would have no problem asking him for help if I needed it.  More then once, he fixed my car for me because I had no idea what was wrong.
 
But that day he came up with other things that could be wrong with the dryer and I heard it all from the wife.  I just bit my tongue and remained quiet.  The next day, I got the part that I thought was broken and changed it and the dryer worked.
 
I told her it was what I thought it was and that it hurt that she doubted me… doubted not only my knowledge but doubted that I would have sought advice if I thought I needed it.
 
Tonight I got a call from her about the house.  It is in foreclosure and I told her back in January that if we just walk away from it and turn it back over to the mortgage company everything would be fine.
 
She called and said she has make been making phone calls and told me everything that I already knew and things that I told her back in January.  I kept answering her by saying, “I know that.”  Which she began to get upset over.  All I could say was, “You never trusted my opinion or knowledge on anything and that is why we are where we are.”
 
I spent many years getting doubted by her… to the point I began to doubt myself.  I still don’t have all my confidence back, but it is coming back.
 
I am ashamed that I allowed it to happen… that I didn’t protect myself sooner.  But I am grateful to my HP to have given me the strength to move forward… alone.
 
Trust comes in some many different ways… the major reason our marriage ended was because she had no trust in my experiences.
 
My first wife I couldn’t trust because she fooled around a lot.  This wife I couldn’t trust because we had no private life.  Everyone knew our business, which meant everyone had advice and that advice was usually different then mine.  It wasn’t a matter of who was right or who was wrong… or even who won or lost.  What mattered was as a husband I was given no trust… no faith.
 
Someday it will happen… I believe that… someday I will share in a relationship that trust is given without doubts.    I used to think that trust meant being faithful as a couple but I have learned it means so much more.  It means respect and talking things out together and not involving everyone else in our lives.
 
Sorry if this kind of rambled around.  That phone call hit a nerve and I just needed to let it go.  So I wrote it out and now I’m sharing it with you.  Thanks for listening…

Just can't turn away

This is an art work created by a nine year old girl from Israel. I can't imagine growing up in a world that by the age of nine my art work would include bombs. Generation after generation the children of Israel have been subject to this type of lifestyle.

We all know it... but do you ever really think about it? I'll be the first to admit that I haven't... mainly because if it is out of sight, then it is out of mind. But a recent event that is taking place in England has made me think more about.

I am not sure how many different churches are involved, but I do know the Quakers are right in the middle of an art exhibition. This art show are creations from Palestinian children. Which I find no problem with, but the problem is that it only showcases Palestinian children. Yes they have had a tough childhood I am denying that... but haven't the Israeli children suffered the same injustices?

This whole thing has just left such a bitter taste in my mouth. I am a spiritual person and until this event I had a deep respect for the Quakers. I always wanted to attend a Quaker Meeting, to sit in the Silence and worship... worship without communication... I always thought it would be quite an experience.

Not just the Meeting, but everything I thought the Quakers were about intrigued me. A passive resistance to wars and conflicts... kind of a Swiss Army of Religions. But now here they are right smack dab in the middle of making a political statement.

Sadly, my search for a means of worshiping in a religious setting will continue. Maybe I don't have a voice in England, but I do have the right to protest this from far away. I'll do so in a way which I thought the Quakers stood for - silent resistance.

I never say never, but I highly doubt I will ever attend a Quaker Meeting. It is often said that politics should stay out of the Church... well that goes two ways... Church shouldn't be involved in politics.

The Quakers can say they aren't involved in politics. I might believe that if this art show also show the art of Israel.

A little bit of control...

The weekend is usually a time for me to relax and do some house cleaning. It is the day to do the laundry. To clean the kitchen and bathroom, and vacuum the carpets.

It keeps me busy in the morning and then the rest of the day is filled with relaxation. Do some writing, do some reading, and just enjoy the rest of the day before a new work week starts.

Today though was a little different. I had just put my jeans in the wash and came back to vacuum and I wondered why am I doing this routine?

I mean… I live alone… I don’t have guests. It is my home, but I don’t do a lot here. So why am I so concerned with the carpets being vacuumed?

I mean I can probably wait two weeks, even a month, before vacuuming. The laundry does have to be done every week, but why do I need to clean the kitchen and the bathroom so much? Why do I need to make my bed every morning?

The dishes? Why can’t I let them just sit in the sink and clean them as I need them?

Yes, I know it is amazing what I think about when I am doing these chores.

Why do I do these things? For me, a person who has surrendered and admitted that I am powerless… these simple projects give me a little bit of control.

And with this control I am able to take care of myself in a healthy way. In a very simple way it gives me power over my life.

I have the choice to wash my dishes or let them pile up in the sink. Yes, I don’t have any guests here, but it is nice to walk into the kitchen and see a clean sink and enjoy a pleasant aroma. I may not have many guests but I have me visiting this place daily.

I am worth the attention I give myself with these simple acts of control.

And while I may be powerless over things… I still have the power to decide how I shall live. And today, I find great comfort in taking care of my home and myself…

I'm not afraid

After a "discussion" with someone and the air was cleared, I learned a little bit more about myself. At times, I think that my childhood was "no big deal." It is over with and I survived. But yet, it still affects me when I least expect it.

I can hear a neighbor moving things around in their apartment next to me and with every bang against the wall... I still fly back to eight years old and hearing mom hit that wall again and again and again.

The screams that followed still raise the hair on the back of my neck. The thoughts of black eyes, swollen cheeks and lips, topped off with cigar burns, are still fresher in my mind then my mom's beauty before alcohol.

I still have pictures of my dad's face filled with rage, carrying a knife wanting to kill her... or a belt to wipe me. Then the memories of the unspeakable and yet I still think "no big deal."

It was such a non-issue that I tried suicide when I was just ten years old. It was such a non-issue that I tried again when I was 18. It became even more of a non-issue when my parents were both dead that I tried one more time when I was 28. That's right, "no big deal."

What the world would see would be a strong silent man... who just by looking at him would make you scared. I was that man... absolutely no emotion... my only goal to hurt you before you hurt me. Always on guard... always ready to attack.

It was a heck of a way to live. I acted as tough as I could be... the man's man... but with each passing day I became more afraid of everything and anything.

Today, people call them "triggers" and I used them as excuses. To remain isolated and fearful... never learning how to stand on my two feet.

It took the "hair of the dog" to open my eyes as to how fearful I truly was. Yes, my parents were alcoholics, but I didn't understand them until I became an alcoholic myself. Then I learned I'm not afraid. The truth is I am a miracle... I could live my life in pity and as a victim... or stand on my two feet and say, "I'm not afraid."

There is a way out.... And it starts with being vulnerable and saying "I am not afraid."