I think I found her....

I have been going through what seems like hell lately. Utter hell. Have been really battered by life it seems.

Yet, in the midst of it all, I think a miracle has occurred. I have found my inner 'Snowdrop'. I was never one for believing in all that 'take care of your inner child' stuff. Frankly, just hearing the words used to make me feel a little nauseous.

However during what has been a hellish time and when I was feeling utterly drained, exhausted and as if I had nothing left to give, and was at a loss at what to do or how to get out of the deep chasm of desperation and no hope, a friend pointed out to me that my duty is to take care of 'inner Snowie' and protect her....nobody else ever had done or is going to. He urged me to take a hold of her hand and comfort and protect her. Having nowhere else to go mentally, I thought why not try and take what has been suggested on board?

I believe that a miracle has occurred. My HP has touched me very powerfully. I tried imagining her and I can see little 'Snowie' very clearly and she is lovely, sweet, kind and the most beautiful little soul. Yes, her little face looks so sad and Oh! so worried and laden down for her age but I LOVE HER and she will be OK now. I have NEVER been able to love myself. I have mostly felt disdain for myself and hated myself. (I know! Criticizing God's handiwork!) But I now feel love for her. I am from here on in going to protect her and be gentle with her.
She is sweet, innocent and very loving. I am going to treasure her.

I never expected to feel what many others have described - but I do feel it. It is very powerful. I may not feel it every day but to even have had a glimpse is incredible. I know it can happen. I have felt it. I felt a kind of peace I have never felt before even amidst all the current hell.
I am going to hold her hand for always.
S.

The search...

"It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires"

from 'Women who Run with the Wolves' by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.
(Chapter 6 Finding One's Pack: Belonging as Blessing p 184)

I was lost for many years. I still feel like I am searching. One thing for sure, though the journey has been at times excrucitaingly painful, even more painful would have been to have not searched...to remain in purgatory. Oh! I looked in all the 'wrong' places for my soul's home. I lost every material possession I owned, I lost my dignity - I sold my soul. I was bereft. I sought solace and escape in a bottle. Initially alcohol took me to wonderful places...a sense of being at one with the world - an escape from paralysing shyness. And, yes, I (and those I hurt) paid a heavy price for my choice. Alcohol became my 'owner'. It dominated everything. I had lost the power of choice.

Yet here I am after years in recovery in awe at where I have been brought. I have a strong faith in a Higher Power through AA. I cannot imagine life without a HP. At times I am unable to 'feel' my HP but He IS there and often it is only in retrospect that I again recognize His Power.

I am no wiser as to His plan for me but I shall continue to trust that all will be well. He has a plan and it will unfold in time.

I still try and 'run the show' many times to feel 'safe' but paradoxically it has been 'Letting Go and Letting God' that has enabled me to feel at ease in my soul. I still have my moments of fear and dread but I am only human.

I am still terribly shy but I no longer feel shame over that. I am me and my Higher Power loves me.

I now have, in my HP, a loving hand to hold during the rest of my journey in this earthly life and beyond...till I reach home. A loving 'parent' to love and comfort me and to lead me home...which was probably all I ever craved deep down.

S.

Our World Of Love

In 2006 I began to see that what I thought was love was in fact a codependent relationship... I also began to dream about what love "really" was all about.



Our World Of Love

we can make love then cuddle
we can dance… then snuggle…
in our own little worlds
we forget what made us one
and the simple joy of having fun

tender kisses in the park
doing more in the dark
laying our bodies on the grass
a little fear but clothes come off
caressing your body
so gentle… so soft…

the moonlight helps me see
the goddess laying next to me
a world that’s ours alone
inhaling the fresh air
feeling God’s loving stare

peaceful and not rushed
sensual excitement
with every movement… every touch
we became one that night
even in the darkness
we were covered in loving light

refreshed… relaxed… renewed…
our bodies glistened
laying side by side…
no shame in being vulnerable
no shame in being exposed

our bodies offer an aura
as we count the stars
off in the distance
the lights of the city
let us know this world is ours

throughout the night
we make love
as the sun comes up
we return to another world
clothes once again cover us

we leave holding hands
and we smile knowing
there is a world
waiting for us to return

As an alcoholic... is it wrong to have expectations?

The law of expectations tells us that whatever one expects, with confidence, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When one expects with confidence that good things will happen, they usually will. If on the other hand, one expects a negative outcome to a situation, then the outcome will usually be negative.

Through the 12 Steps I learned that expectations are the forerunner to resentments. Those expectations though always involved others. An example would be me helping someone and then expecting some kind of payback. When that payback never comes then that expectation leads to resentments.

There are some expectations that can be healthy for us. Expecting that my life will be better next year then it was this year is a reasonable expectation. This expectation is solely in my own hands and if I do it with a healthy attitude it will have nothing to do with others just myself.

I've talked before about watching my goals and dreams come to life by just sitting back and watching them develop. When I make plans for these expectations to come to life is when I stand in the way of the Universe and they never turn out the way I hope.

All you have to do is picture your dream. Smell it, taste it, feel it, become one with that dream. Don't worry about how much time is needed for the dream to come true or how much money it will take... that will come in time. If you worry about those things too soon you will destroy the dream and the expectation will change.

I believe that we should expect things in our life... we should have goals and we should expect them to become reality. The key word with the above phrase is “usually.” Our expectations need to be realistic. Like I have said many times, we need to remember our dreams, to never forget them... we need to live in reality yet we should never forget our dreams.

As an ACOA, I had no expectations with my future. I was told at any early age that I was dangerous and dumb and a baby. In recovery, I expect to do the best I can with the gifts God has given me. And the greatest gift of all? The freedom of choice. It is up to me what choices I take with the expectations I have. It is up to me to look at my expectations and decide which is pure fantasy and which can become reality.

I Want To Dream

The law of expectations tells us that whatever one expects, with confidence, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When one expects with confidence that good things will happen, they usually will. If on the other hand, one expects a negative outcome to a situation, then the outcome will usually be negative.


I Want To Dream

Being real doesn't steal my dreams
being real isn't a fantasy
yet... being real should have expectations
I expect to be the best I can be

I don't expect to be a king or the president
yet... I expect to be number one in my own world
I don't expect to be a millionaire
yet... I expect to be spiritually fulfilled

I expect to treat myself with respect
and to treat others with respect as well
I expect to find the love that dwells within
and I expect to find the love others send

I don't expect you to worship me...
nor should you expect me to worship you
a lovely way to live...
expectations without resentments

I expect to have my Friend with me
to stand beside me
to love me for who I am
an expectation I want

we can expect a happy life
serene and peaceful
if we choose to make it a priority
an expectation with reality

Is Santa a way to produce shame?

This past Christmas I spent in England and I spent one night watching an animated movie called “The Polar Express.” It was an interesting perception on Christmas and Santa Claus and all his helpers. One room at the North Pole had a few elves in it and all they did was sit there and wait for the alarms to sound for a child who was misbehaving.

Or as the song says with Santa checking his list... he's checking it twice, finding out who is naughty and nice. As I watched the movie, I went back to my childhood and how that song shamed me as soon as December rolled around.

All year, I would be a terror and not worry about Santa or Christmas gifts, yet as soon as December rolled around I was the best kid any parent would want. I was a great student... never missed school and did all my homework.

As Christmas Day got closer and closer I began to doubt whether I would get any gifts at all because of how bad I was leading up to December. Surely those elves had all sorts of notes on me and everything I did.

Even with all my doubts I tried to rectify a year of being bad by being good for one month. Then when Christmas morning rolled around and I had all these gifts I was so thankful for Santa giving me a second chance.

Then as the gratitude disappeared I began to think that Santa was just gullible and naive and the new year produce an even more horrible me.

Christmas songs that shame and frightened little kids do nothing for the spirit of Christmas. If love is unconditional why do we need songs referring to being naughty or nice? It serves no purpose except to scare kids and then it makes them manipulative with their actions after the holidays.

Face it, all kids are nice around Christmas... and shouldn't Christmas be celebrated everyday, at least the spirit of Christmas?

 

Memories

This ramble fits in perfectly with The Law of Actualization. The law states that we are all the ultimate creators of our own experience and our reciprocally shared realities.

“Our own experience” what powerful words. How does this experience relate with the lives we live today? Through our memories. Our memories gives us experience. As an ACOA, my memories created horrible experiences for a good part of my life.

I knew my childhood was very dysfunctional, yet I carried loads of that dysfunction into adulthood. It took me a long time to put it all together. I speak about this in the article of the month. Some would say it is just coincidence or maybe that I'm just throwing stuff on the wall hoping something will stick. A wise and dear friend of mine once told me, “There is to much coincidence to be a coincidence.”

12 Step Fellowships as well as The Laws don't pay much attention to coincidence. I don't either... to me it is all divine intervention. So if it was Divine Intervention why in the world would my Higher Power keep having me repeat the same dysfunctions that made my childhood a living Hell?

I don't believe my Higher Power had me do the same things because at that time I had nothing to do with that Higher Power. It wasn't until a Higher Power entered my life that I began seeing how my life had come full circle.

Somehow... someway... I needed to change those memories... which would change the experiences. AA, ACOA, Alanon, and CODA began to open my eyes to new memories and new experiences.

Then amazingly my Higher Power gave me the opportunity to broaden my internal intellect with NLP. More awareness came and I saw into the future after I looked into the past. I could change the memories of the past. I could change the experiences of the past. By doing this I can change my future.

Today, I work on creating new memories and new experiences by concentrating on repeating those joyful memories.

And that starts again very soon. To finish 2010 I went on a journey. One of those “Why not?” journey's. I went to England and spent Christmas and New Year's with a wonderful hostess. It went so well that we are doing it again this year. I'm looking forward to it. The main reason I'm excited by it all is because of the memories and the experiences we shared together.

A wonderful walk in the woods, where we got lost. A singing moose. Liverpool. Fireworks on New Years Eve. Walking in the snow. Half a chicken. These things are my memories of England... wonderful memories.

It is from these memories that our experience together was wonderful and I helped create it.