The final book in my trilogy is here. It ties Damaged Merchandise and War Zone together and the last of the secrets are let go.
To order your copy click here
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Yes! Creating Dreams is close!
Just wanted to share some good news I got in my e-mail tonight. My third book, Creating Dreams, from the nightmares of hell is finally close to the finish line.
It took three years to write and will complete my trilogy. It deals with my childhood and the insanity I endured. And I had a heck of time with the publisher over it. First, it was copyright issues and some things that are revealed in it. It is quite a powerful and explosive book - if I do say so.
This is my final step of letting go of the secrets. I first sent the book to my publisher in December 2008 and now I finally have the press proofs. 217 pages, broken into two parts.
I am so grateful that my Higher Power has given me gifts that I can use - constructively. As an ACOA I was never good at seeing a project from start to finish. I usually would quit halfway through...
And this book... more then once I never thought would be finished.
My books to me are my children... I nourished them and fed them and watch them grow. So hopefully before the new year... I'll be welcoming home my newest child.
It took three years to write and will complete my trilogy. It deals with my childhood and the insanity I endured. And I had a heck of time with the publisher over it. First, it was copyright issues and some things that are revealed in it. It is quite a powerful and explosive book - if I do say so.
This is my final step of letting go of the secrets. I first sent the book to my publisher in December 2008 and now I finally have the press proofs. 217 pages, broken into two parts.
I am so grateful that my Higher Power has given me gifts that I can use - constructively. As an ACOA I was never good at seeing a project from start to finish. I usually would quit halfway through...
And this book... more then once I never thought would be finished.
My books to me are my children... I nourished them and fed them and watch them grow. So hopefully before the new year... I'll be welcoming home my newest child.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Shyness
From A Day At A Time - We learn in the program that shyness is just another manifestation of self-centered fear, which is the root of all our character defects. Shyness, specifically, is fear of what others think or might think of us. To our enormous relief, our shyness gradually leaves us as we work the program and interact with others.
This is what we talked about last night at a meeting. And this one statement just jumped right out at me.
I grew up as an introvert. Very quiet and to myself. Then as I matured I just looked at it as being shy. I never really looked at it as a character defect. People that knew me - liked me.
It may take them awhile to know me but after they did then they figured I was OK.
But looking back on it now, I realize all the time and energy they gave trying to get to know me because my shyness was an obstacle to developing a serious relationship with anyone.
I've learned that I was shy because I didn't want anyone to see how flawed and defective I was. All I wanted them to see was a strong silent person, that basically was emotionless.
My shyness was a fear of being found out that I wasn't perfect. A fear that no matter how I presented myself, I was very insecure - and hurting - and lonely.
I'm still a pretty quiet person, but I'm not shy. My quietness today comes from faith that I'm OK just the way I am with all my flaws, because I'm still a work in progress...
This is what we talked about last night at a meeting. And this one statement just jumped right out at me.
I grew up as an introvert. Very quiet and to myself. Then as I matured I just looked at it as being shy. I never really looked at it as a character defect. People that knew me - liked me.
It may take them awhile to know me but after they did then they figured I was OK.
But looking back on it now, I realize all the time and energy they gave trying to get to know me because my shyness was an obstacle to developing a serious relationship with anyone.
I've learned that I was shy because I didn't want anyone to see how flawed and defective I was. All I wanted them to see was a strong silent person, that basically was emotionless.
My shyness was a fear of being found out that I wasn't perfect. A fear that no matter how I presented myself, I was very insecure - and hurting - and lonely.
I'm still a pretty quiet person, but I'm not shy. My quietness today comes from faith that I'm OK just the way I am with all my flaws, because I'm still a work in progress...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Karma, Love, and Higher Powers
Sometimes, just by rambling I can clear up the confusion in my own mind. So where this goes I really don't know. I'll let my Higher Power guide me.
First, let me introduce you to my Higher Power. Her name is Love. And for me it is the essence of unconditional Love. This Love can be found in many different religions but isn't "owned" by just one. This is the Love of the universe.
My confusion with Love has been with a word that I keep seeing popping up on different websites and message boards I belong too. The word is Karma. A word that to me belongs specifically to me. I have my own karma, just as everyone else has their own. I was born with karma and my life has been learning how to live with it.
So there are my two parts - Karma and Love. Now if I believe that I want healthy karma then I need to respect everyone else's karma. If I want Love, then I need to show Love. If I want peace, then I need to show peace. So, if I believe this then is the opposite also true? If I want hate, do I show hate? Of course not, who wants hate?
So can karma be negative? Would I want karma if it filled me with hate and thoughts of revenge, if I knew it would come back at me? Even if I'm waiting for a negative karma to flow back to an evil-doer, am I not in fact waiting for that negative karma to also flow back to me.
And if I believe in unconditional Love, how can I have any feelings toward hateful karma? They can't co-exist, at least in my mind. And if I have those hateful revenge seeking thoughts that I can not be in touch with my Higher Power - Love.
Like I said, just some rambling thoughts. To me karma is the way of the universe. If I say that I'm in touch with Karma, yet pray that Love seeks revenge, then I don't have either. I guess I just can't see how they can co-exist. If I have a strong relationship with Love, then I can't have negative karma.
I guess the best definition I can think of with negative karma would be a professional victim. Thanks for listening to my own confusion.
First, let me introduce you to my Higher Power. Her name is Love. And for me it is the essence of unconditional Love. This Love can be found in many different religions but isn't "owned" by just one. This is the Love of the universe.
My confusion with Love has been with a word that I keep seeing popping up on different websites and message boards I belong too. The word is Karma. A word that to me belongs specifically to me. I have my own karma, just as everyone else has their own. I was born with karma and my life has been learning how to live with it.
So there are my two parts - Karma and Love. Now if I believe that I want healthy karma then I need to respect everyone else's karma. If I want Love, then I need to show Love. If I want peace, then I need to show peace. So, if I believe this then is the opposite also true? If I want hate, do I show hate? Of course not, who wants hate?
So can karma be negative? Would I want karma if it filled me with hate and thoughts of revenge, if I knew it would come back at me? Even if I'm waiting for a negative karma to flow back to an evil-doer, am I not in fact waiting for that negative karma to also flow back to me.
And if I believe in unconditional Love, how can I have any feelings toward hateful karma? They can't co-exist, at least in my mind. And if I have those hateful revenge seeking thoughts that I can not be in touch with my Higher Power - Love.
Like I said, just some rambling thoughts. To me karma is the way of the universe. If I say that I'm in touch with Karma, yet pray that Love seeks revenge, then I don't have either. I guess I just can't see how they can co-exist. If I have a strong relationship with Love, then I can't have negative karma.
I guess the best definition I can think of with negative karma would be a professional victim. Thanks for listening to my own confusion.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
32 Years!
As some of you know I am a diehard Iowa State fan. Which at times can be quite hard. It's not always been pretty, in fact some years it's been brutal rooting for the Cyclones. But this year in football with a new head coach, the team is becoming respectable again.
They are becoming a team that you can't take for granted. No longer are they the Big 12's doormats. A lot of records have fallen this year. Week 1 ended a 10 game losing streak. Week 4 ended a 17 game road losing streak. Week 6 ended an 11 game losing streak in the Big 12. Then they followed that up with a road win in the Big 12 for the first time in 15 games at Nebraska. A place they hadn't won in since 1977 - 32 years! Go Clones!
Start watching them. They keep winning (5-3 right now) and Paul Rhoads should be coach of the year.
They are becoming a team that you can't take for granted. No longer are they the Big 12's doormats. A lot of records have fallen this year. Week 1 ended a 10 game losing streak. Week 4 ended a 17 game road losing streak. Week 6 ended an 11 game losing streak in the Big 12. Then they followed that up with a road win in the Big 12 for the first time in 15 games at Nebraska. A place they hadn't won in since 1977 - 32 years! Go Clones!
Start watching them. They keep winning (5-3 right now) and Paul Rhoads should be coach of the year.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Scars That Don't Heal
I learned with every 12 Step group that I've participated in that I am powerless... that I need to surrender all control.
I don't entirely agree with that. And every time I say that at a meeting. The eyebrows raise and I go on to explain myself. By the time I finish explaining many agree with me.
There is one thing that I have total control over is my word. If I say something, I should stick to it. If I make a commitment to a project then I need to follow it through.
The words I speak can either be filled with love and peace... or anger and hate. The choice is mine.
The reason I say that is because when I first started dating after my divorce, three separate women on different occasions said to me that they would rather suffer physical abuse rather then verbal abuse.
Their reasoning was a black-eye will disappear. The pain on their will leave. But the words spoken to them in anger are harder to get rid of. I never looked at it that way.
I used to take pride in a fact that I never hit my ex-wife. But after talking to these three ladies, I realized that I did abuse her with my words. It was a slap in the face because as an ACOA I should have known the power in words.
The video below is a poem I wrote. In fact, it was the first poem I ever had published back in 1996. It's kind of intense... but the subject is.
Today... I choose to use words of love and peace...
I don't entirely agree with that. And every time I say that at a meeting. The eyebrows raise and I go on to explain myself. By the time I finish explaining many agree with me.
There is one thing that I have total control over is my word. If I say something, I should stick to it. If I make a commitment to a project then I need to follow it through.
The words I speak can either be filled with love and peace... or anger and hate. The choice is mine.
The reason I say that is because when I first started dating after my divorce, three separate women on different occasions said to me that they would rather suffer physical abuse rather then verbal abuse.
Their reasoning was a black-eye will disappear. The pain on their will leave. But the words spoken to them in anger are harder to get rid of. I never looked at it that way.
I used to take pride in a fact that I never hit my ex-wife. But after talking to these three ladies, I realized that I did abuse her with my words. It was a slap in the face because as an ACOA I should have known the power in words.
The video below is a poem I wrote. In fact, it was the first poem I ever had published back in 1996. It's kind of intense... but the subject is.
Today... I choose to use words of love and peace...
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Principles before personalities
Principles before Personalities
This simple little tradition is a part of every 12 Step group. It is impossible to get a group of people together without some friction developing because of personalities. That is where the principles of the program and what we are working for are more important then personalities.
Through my time in various face-to-face meetings, I have met people whom I really didn't care for as a person. There was one person who as soon as they spoke it raised my blood pressure. And though I never told this person that I really didn't care for them - they knew.
It happened after a meeting one night and we ended up outside and somehow we started talking. That night, that person earned my respect. He said, "I know we'll never be friends, but that doesn't mean we can't support each other." He was right and that night I learned that principles are a lot more important then personalities.
My recovery is not only based on my friends in the program, but also those I'm not quite close too. Worst enemies may never be friends, but together they can work towards a common goal - that is recovery.
On another post, Rosie mentioned that she was close to leaving this board awhile back. I remember it like it was yesterday. There was very little activity on this site. You'd post something and maybe get one or two responses, but over 50 people viewed it. But we came together as a family and made it work. And every time someone new joins our family, it brings a smile to me, knowing that we have overcome personalities and have been living the principles.
As this board started to grow, more and more people were sharing, and I don't know about anyone else, but I feel as though I've gotten to know each one of you personally. We've got a great board here because we have become part of each other's lives. We have indeed moved beyond personalities.
And because of that it hurts me when someone just leaves. They delete their profile and it makes me wonder - was it something I said or did? I may never know and it hurts. Each one of us plays an important part in making this board work and when one piece of our wonderful family disappears, it creates a void... a hole... that's hard to replace.
The principle of this board is to share our ESH and share a part of ourselves in a safe environment. That principle always needs to be first - ahead of personalities. So, if there a personality conflict, try to resolve it in a healthy manner, that not only benefits you but also the other person.
Principles before personalities can not be achieved by oneself. It's a team effort... wait... let me change that... it's a family effort. And in my opinion, this family, this home, is worth that effort.
This simple little tradition is a part of every 12 Step group. It is impossible to get a group of people together without some friction developing because of personalities. That is where the principles of the program and what we are working for are more important then personalities.
Through my time in various face-to-face meetings, I have met people whom I really didn't care for as a person. There was one person who as soon as they spoke it raised my blood pressure. And though I never told this person that I really didn't care for them - they knew.
It happened after a meeting one night and we ended up outside and somehow we started talking. That night, that person earned my respect. He said, "I know we'll never be friends, but that doesn't mean we can't support each other." He was right and that night I learned that principles are a lot more important then personalities.
My recovery is not only based on my friends in the program, but also those I'm not quite close too. Worst enemies may never be friends, but together they can work towards a common goal - that is recovery.
On another post, Rosie mentioned that she was close to leaving this board awhile back. I remember it like it was yesterday. There was very little activity on this site. You'd post something and maybe get one or two responses, but over 50 people viewed it. But we came together as a family and made it work. And every time someone new joins our family, it brings a smile to me, knowing that we have overcome personalities and have been living the principles.
As this board started to grow, more and more people were sharing, and I don't know about anyone else, but I feel as though I've gotten to know each one of you personally. We've got a great board here because we have become part of each other's lives. We have indeed moved beyond personalities.
And because of that it hurts me when someone just leaves. They delete their profile and it makes me wonder - was it something I said or did? I may never know and it hurts. Each one of us plays an important part in making this board work and when one piece of our wonderful family disappears, it creates a void... a hole... that's hard to replace.
The principle of this board is to share our ESH and share a part of ourselves in a safe environment. That principle always needs to be first - ahead of personalities. So, if there a personality conflict, try to resolve it in a healthy manner, that not only benefits you but also the other person.
Principles before personalities can not be achieved by oneself. It's a team effort... wait... let me change that... it's a family effort. And in my opinion, this family, this home, is worth that effort.
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