Out of control inner child

Posted this on a forum I belong too.  Wanted to save it because of the "wholly trinity."

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Seriously? Come on Bill, you just avoided going bankrupt for the second time. You pushed your student debt back onto the taxpayer and now you’re ready to spend again? SMH. You’ve mentioned in the past that you have a problem with spending, yet you’re ready to make a major purchase less then a month after acquiring a windfall? Why not try something more productive for your own future growth? The reality is that this is your last chance with having any form of savings… any form of financial security.

Why not leave the money in a financial institution for a year and learn to live on just what you earn? It will teach you the value of a dollar and help separate wants from needs and if you truly need something you will work for it. It is also very freeing to know that money is there but that you can live without it. If you can do that for a year, then do what you want with it. I bet if you did that for a year you’d realize that having it in savings is relaxing and it didn’t disappear or burn a hole in your wallet. You’ll gain some self-respect and see that the things you want can be gotten with patience and a plan.

I’ll let you in on my major plan. I want to buy a house boat. I want to live on the English canals on a boat. It is a very relaxing laid back lifestyle. I’ve been researching it for over a year and right now I could get a pretty nice one with cash. Then I’d need a simple source of income for mooring fees and insurance as well as upkeep. I can easily do it right now. Instead my plan is to wait a couple more years. During that time, I’ll still be researching it and saving more money. If I do it right, I can live on the water for ten years with no worries about any fees or insurance premiums.

It will be more rewarding to me when everything happens because I worked for it and earned it and so can fully enjoy it. The rest is just pscyho-babble which has helped me, hopefully you will read it, if not, no problem, I need to see it myself every now and then…

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Every person has three “beings” within them. In me, I call it my “wholly trinity.” These three characters are my inner-child, my inner-parent, and my inner-adult. Now imagine all three are on a bus riding across the country. In a healthy person, the inner-adult is riding the bus. He is managing every curve, watching uncoming traffic, and obeying the speed limit. Behind him, sharing a seat is the inner-parent and the inner-child. The parent has his arm around the child’s shoulder, and pointing out everything on their journey. He pointing to the beautiful mountains and the lovely lakes. The child, with eyes wide open is enjoying it all, realizing he is safe and free. This is a wholesome and healthy inner-family.

Now imagine the opposite – an unhealthy inner-family. The child is riding the bus, the parent is in the rear of the bus ignoring the child, reading the newspaper, while the adult is yelling at the parent to take charge. The child doesn’t care about curves or sped limits or anything else… everything he wants, he wants RIGHT NOW, no matter the consequences. When “stuff hits the fan” the child cries and whines that it isn’t his fault. The parent hides behind the seat, and the adult tries to protect the other two by pointing fingers at everybody else, instead of accepting any responsibility for the child’s actions.

The conclusion is that the child is never wrong. We all need to have dreams, yet it is the responsibility of the parent to say no to the child and to be a parent and not a friend. If the parent can do that then the adult can ride the bus knowing that everyone has a place and everyone is responsible within their place.

I spent the majority of my life with my inner-child riding the bus, going from one disaster to another. Form unemployment, to homelessness, to addiction and alcoholism, to finally finding financial security and peace.

A Decade Of Change

Ten years! Seemingly a long time, yet in hindsight a very short time. Ten years ago, I was deep in debt, going through a divorce, contemplating bankruptcy and very much ashamed of how my life turned out.

At 52 years old and besides having a small 401K I had nothing to my name. I was cash broke and asset poor. While I owned a home, the two mortgages against it made it virtually worthless.

As a recovering alcoholic I only have one thing in my life that I guard as much as my sobriety and that is my word. My debts were the mortgages, medical bills, and credit cards. Everyone of these debts I gave my word that they would be paid back. It was only this word of mine that stopped me from bankruptcy. So somehow I had to find a plan to get out of debt.

The first step was getting rid of the biggest debt I had – the house. I wrote a letter to the mortgage company and told them that I was walking away from it. That the house was theirs – to do with what they wanted. I did this to actually save a little money on court proceedings and eviction.

Within a year the house was sold and I owed a now manageable $9,000 on the shortfall from the house. Over the following year I paid that off as well as the penalties owed on taxes.

By leaving the house, I left behind a $564 a month house payment and found a $250 a month small apartment. I got rid of cable TV and lived with rabbit ears on the TV and watched other shows via the Internet. Instead of a 40 mile round trip car ride to work, I now had a two block walk to work, saving more money.

Being 52, it was time to start some kind of a savings account. My first one was with my checking account. I rounded up the checks I wrote and rounded down the deposits I made. It was a very small way to save money but it served another purpose. It stopped me from bouncing checks. At $35 a shot, the savings added up quickly. I haven’t balanced my checkbook in over ten years and haven’t bounced a check in that same time. While my account may say I only $10, the truth is I have over $500 in it, but just seeing that $10 in my ledger stops me from going overboard on spending.

Anyway, after the house was settled the rest of my bills fell into place. So many people worry about their credit scores. Let’s face facts, your score is already shot or you wouldn’t be in this predicament. I used this to my advantage. Instead of paying 10 different bills every month, I just paid one and I put every cent that was available for the other bills into paying just on that one bill.

I always paid on the smallest bill first. I didn’t care about penalties or late fees. I just remained focused on one bill at a time. Within three months, I was down to eight, five months I was down to six. The bills were disappearing and I began to see that I still had money in my wallet a day before payday.

I started a real savings account and kept paying on my bills and after two years I applied for a new credit card, since all my old ones were closed down. It was now time to start repairing the damage created by my reckless behaviour with money.

Ten years ago my credit score was 385 – can’t get much worse. By 2016, it was 725 – can’t get much better! I went from losing two credit cards with a line of $4,000 and both maxed out, to having five cards and a line of $16,000 and not one dime in interest ever paid on any of them. A nice savings account was built and an emergency fund that would take care of me for 28 months, instead of the suggested six months.

In 2016, I left America and moved to England, only to realize that the credit systems are entirely different. So once again, I was starting over. But the time in America taught me how to live on money alone and to not rely on credit. For three years, I lived with only cash and survived quite well. In January of 2019, I applied for a credit card and got approved as a very high risk customer. Which was fine with me. I learned how to pay of these cards in full and on time so the high interest rate meant nothing to me. Now in July, I applied for a second card, with better rates and now rated as a lower risk. I got approved for that as well. Now with two credit cards, a nice savings account, and a stable job, I’m feeling a sense of accomplishment that I wished I learned years ago.

At the age of 62, life is comfortable. I know I’ll never live the high life in retirement but that’s OK because I have learned how to live a comfortable life with a lot less. All of this happened because I wanted to keep my word with my creditors. All of this was possible because I tuned out the outside world with their thoughts on money and made a plan that worked for me.

That plan didn’t involved credit scores or penalty fees. It involved a program similar to my sobriety. Instead of staying sober a day at a time, I worked to get out of debt a day at a time...

Letting Go of the Faith of Fear

The Sixth Promise of Debtors Anonymous states that Isolation will give way to fellowship; faith will replace fear.

Letting Go Of The Faith Of Fear

No faith in a future

when life is dead

no faith in a future

without money to cure all ills

no fear with no money

credit cards bring new life

no fear with no money

live for today

no faith and no fear

living in isolation

hiding in the darkness

praying to be alone

won’t answer the phone

won’t open the mail

won’t answer the door

won’t be a part of life

to live without credit

finding faith in oneself

new fears of the unknown

a new life set to begin

confidence built with every payment

worth built with every bill paid

to walk away from isolation

to be free from debt paranoia

free to answer the phone

faith to open the mail

secure enough to open the door

a new life being debt free

The Sixth promise of Debtors Anonymous

The Sixth Promise of Debtors Anonymous states that Isolation will give way to fellowship; faith will replace fear.

When money owed was more than the money made isolation was a best friend. The phone was the enemy. The mail was the enemy. Knocks on the door couldn’t even be trusted. Everything was feared. For awhile I’d find comfort at work, that is until creditors started calling me at work. I never opened mail and never signed for a certified letter. I did everything in my power to stay ignorant of everything going on around me. I knew I owed money… a lot of money. Exactly how much? I had no idea and really didn’t want to know. All I knew was that I owed money and I had no money to give.

Part of the problem was my own selfish thoughts. I felt entitled to my daily pack of cigarettes. I felt I had earned my morning donut and coffee. I was a hard working man who was entitled to expensive lunches and even tasty treats at break time.

Until I met my isolationist behaviour and my selfish thoughts about my worth, I would never get out of debt. First, I had to admit my debt. I had to admit I was broke. That I couldn’t afford a morning coffee and donut. Heck, in reality, I couldn’t even afford the morning newspaper. Second, for my own personal physical health it was time to quit smoking. It was a deadly and expensive habit… that also kept me very alone. At family functions, I’d have to go outside and have a cigarette as everyone else sat around and had enjoyable relaxing chats with each other. What did they talk about? I have no idea, I was to busy smoking my cig.

What change my life was getting a divorce and at the age of 53, I didn’t have enough money to rent a small apartment. Even if I could get a place to stay I had no money for furniture or even food. When most people my age were planning their retirements, I had no plans for a future, nor any plans on how to get out of debt.

I have experienced fear before but this was new. I have been homeless, but that was when I was much younger and physically in better shape. I knew this was my last chance. Gratefully, I found a landlord that held my first months rent check for a couple of weeks. By doing that I had enough cash for the electrical deposit and just enough left over to get some bread and peanut butter and jelly. That was my meals for those first couple of weeks.

I didn’t have cable TV or the internet. I didn’t have a bed and slept on the floor. It was the first time that I realized, I wasn’t entitled to anything, nor did I earn anything. What I realized very quickly was that if I wanted something then I needed to work for it. And I went to work. I started paying myself first.

Then I paid my housekeeping bills and got food. Then and only then did I start paying off my debts. My early goals were very simple. I would never bounce a check every again. Eight years later, this goal has never been broken. And second, I would live on cash only. I would quit using credit cards. This goal stay in effect until I got out of debt.

Eventually, I did get some new credit cards and started using them. The new goal with them was to never carry a balance with them. To never pay a penny in interest and so far, six years later I have never paid any interest on any card.

By living with cash only and never running into credit card savings, it became easy to pay myself first and save some money. No longer are emergencies things to be feared. Instead they can be met with a plan of payment and then a plan to replace those emergency funds.

Eight years ago, there was a debt of $65,000 on my head. Now the pendulum has swung the other way and debt is not one of my fears, nor is isolation part of my life.

Finding wealth through employment

Years ago I lost a job because of the economy. It was a job I thought I would have for many years. With the lose I was able to secure funding from the state to get re-educated and to help finding new employment.

I had one class that met once a week for a month. It dealt with how we viewed different jobs and how we viewed ourselves. The class had people in their 20s all the way up to their 50s. I was in my 30s. There were probably 30 people in the class.

The final night we were given a test to see where we'd be most comfortable in the world, as far as what would we do to earn a paycheck. After the test the instructor went over every one of them an gave his impressions about them.

The last two test results he did were the lowest score and the highest one. A young lady, no more then 20 years old, had the lowest score. Which he quickly said wasn't bad or a negative. More then anything it showed that she was a young person.

Next came the highest score, which was given to me. Again, he quickly said, that it didn't mean I was the smartest or will find employment before anybody else.

What it showed was that at my age I had done numerous jobs and having done them, I realized that they weren't that bad. To a young person being a janitor may seem to be demoralizing, while to me it wasn't that bad of a job.

The thing about any job is not what it does for a person's ego but rather what it does for their wealth. Not just their material wealth but their spiritual wealth.

I'd rather earn a paycheck washing a floor then wait to be fed by a government program. Any job gives a person freedom to decide their future. Government programs tell you what freedoms you can have and if you have to much, they may just take it away from you…

There is nothing wrong with being on a government benefit program, what is wrong is the fear to let it go and try to live a life (a better life) without it.

Having friends without buying them

During my partying days I bought many friends. These friends I would spend every waking moment with. Looking back at it, I can see they weren't friends. I bought their friendship.

They became my hostages. Whether it cost me a case of beer, or a bottle of whiskey, or an ounce of pot, or a gram of coke... I knew how to attract and keep friends. A little party and a lot of money.

I mention this little bit of my past because I know some people who still live like this. I'm not talking alcohol or drugs... rather parties involving food... dinner parties. Their friend has them over for a nice barbecue and instead of just accepting it as something friends do for each other, they feel obligated to pay back with an equally nice barbecue.

They go to a barbecue that had potato chips, hot dogs, and cheeseburgers. He can't have a party that is the same, his needs to be grander... his needs to be a party people will remember for a long time. His party has rib eye steaks, baked potatoes, and corn on the cob.

The idea of giving your friends a nice night is fine if you can afford it. Just doing it to outdo someone else doesn't bring happiness. It shows insecurity. I know that this person did not have the money to throw this simple party... the reality was that this person would have had a hard time just throwing together a hot dog barbecue.

This guy justified his barbecue by saying he could have used a credit card to pay for it and it would be even more expensive... so instead this 50 year old guy borrows money from his parents to have his party.. I use the term “borrows” loosely because I doubt this loan will ever be paid back. I mean, why pay it back? It's family right?

I share this story because this was me years ago. Nowhere in my thinking did I ever understand that I didn't need to do these things. It was OK to do without. There was nothing wrong with not having a barbecue. No one even needed to know I didn't have money... yet I always seemed to have to put on a show that was better then yours.

Bigger TV's, bigger stereos, newer cars... it was all for show. I had no money but the illusion gave me a sense of worth and part of that illusion was that I was better then you.

These thoughts of money and possessions never brought me happiness. It is an old saying but it is very true – money can't buy you happiness. Today, I do have a little money and I am happy. I don't shower friends with it, yet if someone has a legitimate need for it I will help them out.

You might think the highlight of my year is going to England... it is up there. Yet, what I enjoy just as much is being able to give money to my kids and help them and their families have a nice Christmas. And also giving money to The Salvation Army, helping an unknown family have a Christmas as well.

Don't let money own you or own your friendships. In my opinion, the best way to have money is to be humble, to have a sense of humility, and to be grateful. Because what you have today can easily be gone tomorrow...

A PennySaved...

Those little pennies can add up. It has always made me wonder about the way people treat a common penny. I always seem to spot those pennies on the ground. People will drop them and won't take the time to bend down and pick it up. I bet in the last two or three years, I have picked up a couple hundred pennies. That's right, maybe $2 or $3 worth.

All the pennies that I have bent over to pick up, there is one that I will always remember. It was late December of 2013. I was walking through the center of town in Marple, England. I looked down and saw this shiny copper object. I bent down thinking it was an English penny, then to my surprise I realized it was an American penny. Here I was, well over 1,000 miles from the East Coast of America and I was holding an American penny.

Some other American, traveled to this town and I'm sure they enjoyed their visit as much as I have enjoyed mine. I brought that penny back home and put it in a big water jug, which has over 10,000 pennies in it. What is that old saying? A penny saved is a penny earned.

Like I mentioned it does make me wonder why people treat pennies the way they do. A person will drive all over town to save a penny or two to fill their car with gasoline. They will moan and groan when a loaf of bread increases in price. Don't get me wrong, I also get upset with the increase of prices with our groceries.

That is why, to me, watching those pennies do add up. I can't understand the need to save a penny on gas, yet no one seems to worry about getting the best interest rate for our savings. And what is even more insane to me are the folks who don't save anything. I know a person who is in debt up to his ears and sees no need for an emergency fund. His belief is that he could die tomorrow so why not live for today?

The reality is he isn't living at all. Every time he gets some money it goes right away to paying for the past. Credit Card debt has destroyed his future. He has a hard time understanding that by using the credit card he is living in the past. Every paycheck he gets shows that.

Whenever an emergency pops up, he applies for a new credit card. This person has every store credit card a person could want and then some. Need clothes? Well we have Macy's and Walmart and JC Penny. You need car work done? We've got Goodyear and TO Haas for your tire needs. Electrical needs? Best Buy and Radio Shack has you covered. And of course, there is also E-Bay and Amazon to fill in the cracks that these stores can't quite cover.

I know there are a few major credit cards in there as well. Those are rarely used. I believe because there is little or no money with them. I believe he pays the minimum on them and just continues to fall behind with them.

I have three major credit cards. I have no store cards. Since getting out of my own financial nightmare, I have never paid a dime of interest on these cards. I try to use one at least once a month, then the next month, use the next card. One card has a specific purpose – traveling. It has a great cash rewards program which helps me save some money going to England.

The point is – pennies add up. Whether you are using cash or credit, they can make or break your life. I used to think that “only $10 a month” was a great deal to buy a TV or a stereo on credit. Yet, I would never save money for $10 a month.

Try getting rid of your debt and live a cash only lifestyle. Like I said, I use a credit card but I never carry a balance on it. If you use a credit card, commit yourself to paying it in full every month. Don't let the interest charges control you.

A general rule of thumb is to never use more then 10% of your available credit. So if you have a credit card with a $5,000 limit and one with a $2,000 then you have $7,000 available credit, of which $700 can be used. That doesn't give you a free ticket to spend $700. If you know you can't pay that amount back in one month, then lower that amount to 5%.

I have spent a lifetime working for money. Money to pay the bills and just to survive. Now my life is having money work for me. July 4^th, I purchased my round trip ticket for a winter holiday in England. This is the fifth year that I have made this journey. It's a lovely way to end a hard year of work. Every one of these journeys has been paid for with cash.

Everybody can do it. Be a good parent to yourself. Set a goal of what you are saving for and do it. Delay that gratification. By not using credit, you will enjoy the reality of your goal so much more....

No Conditions On God's Love

God does for me what I can do for myself. I hate that saying. Before I go any further, let me say that my Higher Power saved my life and is my best friend. I hate that saying because it puts conditions on God's love.

I hear it said at AA meetings. So if God gets a person sober, does that mean God also gets a person drunk or has them slip? Of course not.

Does God provide some people with security and leave others out in the cold? Again, of course not.

My Higher Power practices unconditional love. That love isn't concerned if I have money or no money. He doesn't care if I am sober or drunk. I believe God does for me what I could not do by myself... by being honest... by being humble... and to not worship false idols.

I have had numerous idols in my life. The most obvious was alcohol and drugs. After sobriety, my new idol was work and money. I worked for money, but it was never enough. I needed more money and I needed more work.

Money became a god. And I quickly learned that if I had credit cards I had more money. And the best part was I could borrow a thousand dollars on a card and only have to pay back $15 a month. God couldn't do this for me... big banks and a job could do it for me.

What God could do for me that I couldn't do for myself was give me the strength to cut up credit cards and live with only cash. What God did for me that I couldn't do for myself was to enjoy my own company. I didn't need to eat at restaurants every night, nor did I have to shop every night. What God did for me that I couldn't do for myself was swallow my pride and move into a small apartment because that's all I could afford. What God did for me that I couldn't do for myself was to park my car and walk. And what really amazed me was that God did for me what I couldn't do for myself was the ability to save money. What a wonderful gift I was given.

God never gave me money because I wanted it. He gave me money because I needed it. The fact is, that even the money I needed wasn't entirely just for me. By God giving me money, it also helped family members that I “borrowed” money from. When God gave me money, my brothers were safe with theirs. When God gave me money, friends were safe with theirs.

God never gave me money just so I could spend more. God gave me freedom of choice. That freedom gave me power to choose my own Higher Power. Ultimately the choice was between material and spiritual. Material meant more things and more debt. Spiritual meant more freedom and living a stress free life.

I've met people that had everything a person could imagine but were very poor – financially and spiritually. And I've met people that to the outside world had nothing. Yet they were the richest people I've ever met.

In my life I have eaten at restaurants where the meals cost $100 a piece and I've also eaten out of dumpsters. I've owned every possession a man could want and have owned only the clothes on my back.

I pray that I am done with the extremes. And God can do that for me because I have never been able to do it myself.

Having no money sucks. And to me, having money just to spend sucks as well if not more because that hole inside my soul was never satisfied and all I wanted was more and more.

Thank you God for doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. Thank you for helping me get out of debt and to stay out of debt. Thank you for teaching me how to respect money and to live with only money. Thank you for showing me that credit cards did not help the situation and in fact only made things worse.

Thank you God for letting my family live in peace and not fear me showing up crying on their shoulder begging for money.

I learned how to trust... how to be honest and I had a willingness to learn. To be teachable and to be humble... so thank you God for a second chance of living a spiritual life with You at my center..

Leaving the Financial Past

As an ACOA it still baffles me how easily I can fall into an old mindset. Nothing destructive or anything like that, just the feeling that I am not worthy.

Recently, I was visiting a site I belong to that specializes in different self-help forums. One of my favorites on that site deals with financial difficulties that people experience. I post quite a bit on that part about where I was (totally broke) to where I am now (out of debt.)

I don't brag about my situation nor do I look for a pat on the back... I just share what I know, my own experience, strength, and hope (ESH).

Right now, my experience has taught me that no matter how much money I make it will never be enough if I don't have my expenses under control. I believe it doesn't matter if a person makes $7 an hour or $27 dollars an hour. What matters is if their expenses are below what they make.

Think about it. Two people with pretty similar credit ratings, yet they live entirely different lives. The one, we'll say his name is Joe. Joe has a beautiful home and makes his monthly mortgage payments. He also drives a brand new top of the line vehicle. All in all Joe is roughly paying out $26.99 in expenses. He still in the black but just barely. And he really can't miss a day of work or he'll fall
behind on his payments.

Now the other guy, we'll call him Mike, has very little debt. He rents an apartment and owns an old 1985 car. Mike is roughly paying out $5 an hour for his expenses. Though Mike is making considerably less money and owns a lot less, he also has no stress and can miss a day of work without destroying his credit.

Even though Mike is making $20 less an hour, he is able to save money easier because of no debt and no need for material wealth. I believe Mike actually has a better life than Joe, just because of expenses.

This is how I view finances today. In the past I viewed it from the eyes of Joe and was never happy and always under intense stress.

Living the life of Mike, I am able to live and enjoy things with no stress. I was sharing these thoughts on that forum and one person jumped on me about not being able to relate to me. I talked about an upcoming dental appointment and how after many years I will finally have a smile I'm not embarrassed or self-conscious about and that I would be able to pay for it all with cash.

This person made the comment that they visited my site and how I probably make a ton of money off of book sales and speaking engagements. And how I had no idea what normal folk struggle with.

When I first read it, my first thought was to apologize for making money. For learning how to manage money... and finally apologizing for wanting to fix my teeth with insurance because I have from a full time job.

Than it dawned on me that I had nothing to apologize for. I have been broke. I have been homeless. The thing is today, I have quit being a victim and blaming others for my past or even my present.

As I thought more about what that person wrote, I could relate to it. The jealously and the envy. How dare someone enjoy life while I'm struggling!!!

It goes back to karma. Give each other a pat on the back and give each other support and love and things will change for everyone. The envy and resentment do nothing but keep the victim alive.

2012... pain free, debt free

As the end of 2012 approached, I couldn't wait for it to get here. I had a good year. It was a long year... yet a good one. By long I mean physically and mentally draining.

Physically, 2011 was painful. I was in so much pain that the work I have done this year, I couldn't have done. It is amazing how our Higher Powers protect us and give us what we need when we need it. Last year I worked with a guy who covered for me more then once. He knew I was in pain and never complained. He did his work as well as some of mine. I felt guilty about it but, physically, I wasn't worth much.

What changed for me happened on my trip to England. The people I visit there are firm believers in back swings (inversion tables.) Withing three days my back wasn't hurting, the numbness in my leg was gone and I was walking without a limp. I spent the next two weeks spending time on the back swing and convinced of its healing power. I ordered one before I headed back to the States and had it here shortly after my arrival.

That back swing helped make this year more enjoyable. Instead of worrying about pain, I was able to concentrate on my work and my goals. One of the people I visit in England came to visit me this summer and it helped me have a “mini-vacation” right here. With that visit, I was able to see in my mind that I wanted to go back to England again.

With that visit and having no pain I began working on some goals I have had since my divorce three years ago. At the top of that list was getting out of debt. This was a goal when I became a bachelor that I never dreamed would ever be achieved. I was so far in debt that I thought bankruptcy was the only way out.

I gave it a try though and cut my expenses so radically and began living a very simple life and in October the goal was realized. I am debt free. I believe it happened because I was no longer physically in pain.

Without that physical pain I was able to open my mind to the possibilities of what else I could achieve. I went back to school and got my certification as an NLP Master Practitioner, a Life Coach, and a Hypnotist. This trifecta works so well with 12 Step programs, that I feel truly blessed that I still have a mind to understand it and comprehend it all.

So what's next? More dreams. The thing I have learned about dreams is that if I just keep thinking about them... dreaming about them... they will become reality if I stay out of the way. If I make plans for these dreams, I just get in the way and delayed the process... so I'll just dream.

Sound crazy? Not at all. By just dreaming I have been to England two times and soon will be leaving for a third visit. By dreaming I have spoken to crowds up to a thousand people and have spoken to classes at a University. By dreaming, the CD 12 was created.

There is a lot of power in dreams. It is something we learn as children and along the way, we begin to think they are silly and forget about them. Be a child again and dream.

Thank God the physical pain left so the dreams could return...

Reflections on England

I wrote this article in December 2012, shortly before my journey across the pond... a reflection of the year ending and looking forward to new dreams for 2013...

"When we accept ourselves completely, enlightenment happens." - Daniel Levin

At this time of the year I started reflecting on what type of a year I had and wonder what changes I would like to make in the new year.

Until three years ago, this was never a good time for me. I hated where my life was going. I was in a loveless marriage and deep in debt. I hated every morning because I had no dreams. I had no hope as to what life could be. I had no idea how to enjoy life and how to do it on life’s terms.

Things began to change when I took a leap of faith and ended my marriage. I moved to a small and cheap apartment and for the first time in many years I began to dream again.

I found my Higher Power again and began to enjoy my own company and truly enjoyed the Silence. It was in this Silence that I began to remember what brought me peace and some excitement from years ago. The first thing was traveling. In my younger years I traveled a lot. Granted it wasn't always because I wanted to, but rather because I had to keep moving.

By constantly moving, I got to know no one and they didn't know me. By doing this I could play my alcoholic games with new people and in the end con them and manipulate them into those games. Now though, I wanted to travel, to explore, and do it honestly. This time though, I didn't travel the States, I went across the pond and landed in England. Actually my first flight landed in Germany.

It's been a wonderful experience. It's been a wonderful experience learning about new cultures and their ways of life. Christmas in the Old World... still simple and not nearly as commercialized as here. New Year's Eve with fireworks.

In Liverpool, watching the sunset on the Atlantic Ocean and thinking that more then once I have seen the sunrise on that same ocean in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. My love for water makes me feel right at home in England, with the canals winding its way throughout the country. And with these travels, I go back to being a kid again and remembering the excitement I had with flying on a plane. Though, now being all grown up, those planes don't seem as big as they used to be.

As the year comes to an end, I am thankful that I took that leap of faith, to start life again. These trips to England would have never been possible in the past. I might have been able to do it once but then I would be paying it off for the next few years.

In 2006, I went on a trip through 15 States... well it took the next six years to pay that trip off. That has been the true reward of this new life. I have thrown credit out the door. If I don't have the money, the cold hard cash, then I don't do what I want. I don't have a ton of money stashed around. I just know what dreams I want to see become reality. When January 1st rolled around I started saving money for this year's holiday.

Making money work for me...

A very hard subject to talk about is money. The times we live in right now have made it extremely difficult for folks to see a way out of financial nightmares once they start.

I watch in person and on the web, people struggling with finances. Some folks I admire for the actions they are taking to correct their situation, others I shake my head at in disbelief on the way they treat money and their credit, while still others I feel their pain, not knowing what to do.

I was in that place of not knowing what to do. I not only went into a panic when the phone rang, I hated getting my mail. Everybody wanted money and I had none to give them.

This is my second time of being in dire straits with money and bills.  The first time was about 20 years ago.  I was in my 30s and living life to the fullest.  I had a fancy car, an awesome stereo and all the toys a guy could want.  All of it acquired through credit and an unbelievable thirst for alcohol.  I didn’t care about bills.  I wanted this stuff and I was going to have it.  

This attitude changed when I got sober.  By the Grace of God I have been sober for 18 years and try my best to live an honest life.  The first thing I had to do was pay off these old bills.  These weren’t “emergency” bills… they were just “self-will run riot.”

I struggled and it took nearly eight years but I managed to pay all of those debts.  And even acquire new ones, which I kept current.

Things changed though when my ex-wife got ill.  Surgeries, prescriptions, follow-up care, and all the expenses going to these appointments put us deep in the hole.  Credit cards got maxed out.  The home was refinanced… yet we were still buried in debt.

We lived this way for ten years.  Paycheck to paycheck.  Sometimes getting my paycheck just to cover the expenses up to then… basically being broke as soon as I got paid.  Paycheck advances… anyway I could come up with money… I did… until I was drained. Our credit was shot and maxed out and no longer was I able to even make the minimum payments.

Like I said, we lived like that for ten years.  My ex-wife recovered from her illness but our marriage was dead.  A lot of it was because of finances and our different ways of trying to get out of the hole.  It ended up being a very depressing life to live.

I finally threw in the towel and moved out.  That was in January of 2009.  I started a new life filled with fear and uncertainty.  I found a place to live but had no money to move into it.  I sat and talked to the landlord about my predicament and asked him if he would rent me an apartment and if he would hold a check for two weeks.

Thankfully, he agreed.  If not I would have been homeless.  He showed me two apartments.  One had a couch in it and I asked if I could have that one.  I had no furniture to speak of… so this couch would at least give me a “home” atmosphere.

Those first two weeks in that apartment I ate tuna sandwiches, grilled cheese sandwiches, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and macaroni and cheese.  I was beyond broke and beating myself up for letting it happen again.

The first three days I slept on the couch, but being 6’4”, the couch was quite uncomfortable and I ended up moving my bed to the floor. For the next month, I lived in fear, waiting for the world to collapse around me. Fear that I would forget to pay a bill or end up having my wages garnished.

Finally, I began to find some confidence that I could get out of this mess. The first thing I did was get a mattress. Not a bed... just a mattress. I placed that on the floor and felt like a king. I had a bed. It would take a couple of more months to get a bed frame. That I got for free. Some remodeling was taking place where I worked and I was given the old lumber and I made my bed. Three years later, I still have that same mattress and bed frame. It is a reminder of where I was when I started this journey.

I share this because I was at the end of my rope. Within those three years, I went from $65,000 in the hole to being totally debt free.

With a mountain of debt looking at me, I had three choices. The first one was bankruptcy. I didn't go this route, but if I did, I wouldn't have felt bad... these debts were beyond my control. The second choice was increasing income. I did this in the past. I nearly worked myself to death with two jobs and I still couldn't get ahead. The third choice was what I decided to try and that was to reduce my expenses.

Without realizing it. I started this right from the first day I moved into this apartment. I promised myself that I would never bounce a check again. My old checking account had overdraft protection and I used it frequently.

To stop this bad habit, I started rounding up my checks and rounding down my deposits. In a way, this was my first savings account. If I wrote a check for $14.01, in the checkbook I would write $15. If I made a deposit for $100.99, I wrote in the checkbook $100.

And you know what? I haven't balanced my checkbook in three years. I do check it on-line once a month, just to see where I am at. Right now by this simple method I have created a nice little savings account in my checking account. Even though I know it's there when I see zero in the checkbook I know it's time to quit spending.

Right away I also quit using change. I do know how much change I have, but I haven't spent a penny, nickel, dime, or quarter, except for laundry, in three years.

In the course of the year I cut my expenses by over $9,000.  And I’m still trying to figure more ways to cut down on expenses.

So where did the money go?  With one salary I paid two large medical bills and one dental bill. I cleared up bills with pharmacies and clinics. Two credit cards, as well as a store credit card.  A third and final credit card was paid in the middle of September and all my debt is now gone! Yes, I lost my house… but you know what?  That house was a chain around my neck with its upkeep.  Keeping the lawnmower in working order, roof repairs, car maintenance, appliances… it was a money pit.

It wasn't all smooth sailing though. Living in town I walk everywhere so I don't use my car much yet I still want it to run when I need it. I had some major work done on it and new tires... paid with cash. I had a dream of making a musical CD with poems I wrote... I got it done and had it produced... paid with cash.

While I have really clamped down on what I spend money on, I have not become so frugal that I have no enjoyment at all. I do give myself rewards. The small rewards is a once a month Sunday newspaper. I walk past the bakery every day and once a month, I'll stop in and get a couple of sweet rolls.

Awhile back, I gave a lecture at a university that was 40 miles from my home. I treated myself to a mini-vacation. I went up early, went to the botanical gardens, ate a good dinner, did my lecture, and spent the night in a hotel. I had a great time.

And yes, I do treat myself to one big reward. The last two years I have spent Christmas and New Year's in England. And will be going back again this holiday season... this time for a month. And you know what? Everything has been paid for in cash. No credit just cash. It is such a good feeling to come back to America and not be in debt up to my ears.

What I have learned is that, for me, I made money my god and equated it to my happiness.  I fell into the trap that I was entitled to all these things that we think are necessary for our life and I was so wrong.  Freedom for me came with owing less.

My life, right now is 100% cash only.  If I have the cash and I truly need something then I will get it.  If I don’t have the cash? FORGET IT.  By having so little, my “wants” are all but gone and I have never been happier.  

What is truly amazing about all of this is that I agreed to speak at an AA function, about nine months after I moved out of my home. The function was over 600 miles away.  No way would my old car would make it there.  So I thought I would have to cancel it after I looked at renting a car and saw that a credit card was needed to secure a rental car.  Well, I applied for a new one thinking no way I could get one… but guess what?  My credit went from so super bad to being acceptable and I got a card.  So my trip took place.  I paid cash for the car, but I had the credit card to secure it.

Dreams for 2013? First is new glasses. I could get them now, with my credit card, but I want to stay with the idea of cash only. Recently I increased my medical insurance coverage and will get a full check-up, something that I have been scared of doing because of finances... while I still fear it, I'm now prepared for it a little better at least. And a dental check-up.

I mentioned earlier that I don't spend loose change... for 2013, I want to try and quit spending dollar bills. To start treating dollars like loose change. That one may be a challenge but I'm going to shoot for it.

I've learned to pay myself first. It started with loose change and rounding my checkbook... but it has grown. It took 15 months but I got a savings account. I started small saving 10% of my paycheck. By constantly cutting expenses, I'm now saving 30% of my check and the goal for 2013 is to reach 50%.

In three years I went from near bankruptcy to being debt free. I don't live beyond my means and my wants are little and my needs are met. I did it not by going bankrupt or by getting a second job... I did it by cutting expenses.

I did it in a way that it wasn't all “work and no play.” I gave myself rewards and things to shoot for down the road. If all goes well and I continue to go down this path... my long range dream... like five years or so would be to ride the Orient Express across Europe.

Having been homeless I know how much money is needed to just survive. Having been broke I know how easy it is to make money a god. Money is not my god and if I have faith, money will work for me, not me working for it.