29 April 2012

Being Aware


Once again a new month is here and throughout the month I had a ton of ideas to write about. Situations that made me realize how much I have grown and changed during my sobriety. I have become aware. What has this awareness taught me? That I am aware enough to know what I don't know. I know very much psycho-babble.


It is true though. What I don't know will no longer affect me... it doesn't put me in a state of fear. And what I know now that I didn't know earlier on my journey has helped me see that change is good. Not only changes in places where we may live, or changes in our careers, but also changes in our relationships.

I have been at a crossroads with my life now... where I want it to be and where it was. I have written extensively about my past and the horrors of my addiction. Yet, before alcoholism totally had its grip around my neck, I did have some fun times. Some great times. And some relationships from that time are still clinging to me... some are healthy. They respect my boundaries and respect my addiction.

I have never asked anyone to “hide” their booze or their memories from me. These folks though realize that our relationship has evolved... it isn't better or worse... it has just changed. And with that change our relationship has grown, we are able to talk about the present... we share more then just the past.

Like I said, I have many good memories from the past... but that was over 30 years ago. What do I gain for my spiritual growth by accepting this relationship as it is? Another question is what does the other person gain from a relationship built in the past? It isn't helping either of us.

Through the Life Coaching course I have been taking I've come to see that some friends and even family can hold us back. Call it jealously or insecurity or whatever else you want... the simple fact is that these people want things to stay the same. They want you to remain, at most, no better then them. By leaving the past behind we are taking risks. We're leaving the comfort of what is known, the past, and taking steps on a path we've never traveled before.

Life Coaching has made reflect on some relationships. Where it was... where it is now... and where it is headed. I remember when my first book was published. I shared it with some close friends and family and no one really shared my excitement with this accomplishment. One person in fact said that writing a book of poems isn't really writing a book. Not only couldn't they share my joy, they tried to squash it.

I remember when I first started on my recovery and I told some folks that I was an alcoholic. One person said that I shouldn't judge myself like that. That maybe I could get a six pack of beer and just drink one a day and stay in control of it. Instead of just accepting what I said, they tried to minimize it.

These two examples were from friends. Friends who would rather see me stay the same. In a way, they were happy that they could look down on me. The point is, I just need to be aware of my own life and accept my decisions before I share them with friends and family. They don't want change... they want you to stay just the way you are. When you get to the point of accepting your own intuition then you have become aware.

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