03 February 2013

She's still there....somewhere inside...

"No matter how terrible the experience - from repeated sexual abuse and beatings to the  icy cold family that never touched each other in kindness and affection - there is a part of the human psyche that  remains untouched. This untouched part of the psyche is full of the unconditional love that only  a child can have. It is this part that is the magical child"    

    Taken from The Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome by Wayne Kritsberg  (Chapter 15 p120  The Magical Child.)

I am determined to find little inner Snowie and to let her know she is deeply loved. That she is a child of God and deeply loved. Yes, bad things may have happened to her -intentionally or unintentionally, but she is MORE than those things. I am determined to let her know that she is safe with me and can begin to heal, that she can grieve and we will heal together, that I will never abandon her.

Recently, I had attempted to connect with 'inner Snowie' using John Bradshaw's 'Homecoming' but I found that  I couldn't cope with some of the intimate physical descriptions in the meditations. That said I  continue to learn a lot from Bradshaw's brilliantly  insightful writings and message. Though I identify with Bradshaw,  I simply couldn't handle it. I had a severe reaction to one sentence in the 'infant' meditation relating to the infant's 'mother' that caused me a terrible feeling of repulsion, dread...and anger.

Naturally,  simply because something  upsets or unnerves me does not mean that what the writer has written is in any way wrong. It  may simply be something I cannot cope with or relate to (or wish to envisage or engage in ) at the time.

Often I find I can accept and deal with something many months or even years later that I couldn't relate  to or deal with at a particular time. Perhaps I just wasn't ready?

 I have had glimpses of little 'inner Snowie' and those have been incredibly  'magical' moments, moments where I have felt 'at one' with the world. But, I want to truly find her....for always...to always be there for her. She is lovely...beautiful...adorable, innocent, pure, and desperate not only to be loved but to FEEL loved.

It will happen.

The concept of an inner 'magical child' fills me with deep hope and comfort. That nobody or nothing can ever truly remove the 'magical child' fills me with joy,  with a feeling that I was never truly totally abandoned. God's inner light still flickered and continues to flicker deep in my soul... in a perhaps deeply hidden and deeply protected part that only He can reach.

Little 'Inner Snowie' is there...


1 comment:

Dave Harm said...

As I read this, it brought me back to childhood and the confusion and anxiety that the things I needed to do... needed to be done - RIGHT NOW.

That is the wonderful part of this journey. There isn't a "right now." We go at our own pace... in a comfortable safe pace. A pace that our inner child dictates.

We need to remember, our journey is shared with others, but in the end the journey is done by one. And that one always needs to feel safe.

It was a feeling we never had as a child...