26 April 2015

Recognizing Our Defects

ACOA Step 6 says that we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

I haven't done any writing on these steps since August of 2014. It was then that I found out that I would be having open heart surgery which eventually lead to other surgeries. From September to the end of 2014, I really had no focus with writing or sharing my experiences with these steps.

First it was just trying to stay alive that had all my attention. Then when life seemed to be in the future I was to weak mentally and physically to think about Creating Dreams, let alone these steps.

After the new year everything seemed to come back together. I began to feel healthy and for the first time in a long time I felt excited about the future. Slowly, I began trying to get back into a normal routine.

Though, what is “normal”? For our four months, my life was anything but normal. It was painful, it was scary, and it was the most educational experience of my life. After that time, I began living in PTSD. Everything I did brought me back to hospitals and surgeries. I began to feel the cuts in my chest and stomach like they were fresh. I constantly looked at my skin… waiting for the color to leave because I was bleeding internally.

With all these thoughts and feelings running around my head I began to see that some of my defects were gone. I wish I could say “all my defects.” But that would be quite arrogant of me.

My health issues put everything in perspective. I no longer cared about my ego or my image. I no longer cared about always being right and found it easier to admit when I am wrong. I no longer cared about competition with jobs or trying to impress others.

I began to see that I am OK… just the way I am. I don't need to do more to be accepted. I can do more if I want to but I don't need to. That is now the key. I want to do things, not for score keeping but rather just to “pay it forward.”

By wanting to do things, I don't mean material things or to run around without any thoughts of why you are doing them, but rather to do things to help others. To do things that make others relaxed around you. It is a spiritual experience. Something that comes and I pray never leaves.

It's a relaxed feeling. It's a feeling to know that I have defects and that's OK because God will remove them when He is ready. Until that time He will hold my hand and help me manged those defects…

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