06 February 2012

The search...

"It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires"

from 'Women who Run with the Wolves' by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.
(Chapter 6 Finding One's Pack: Belonging as Blessing p 184)

I was lost for many years. I still feel like I am searching. One thing for sure, though the journey has been at times excrucitaingly painful, even more painful would have been to have not searched...to remain in purgatory. Oh! I looked in all the 'wrong' places for my soul's home. I lost every material possession I owned, I lost my dignity - I sold my soul. I was bereft. I sought solace and escape in a bottle. Initially alcohol took me to wonderful places...a sense of being at one with the world - an escape from paralysing shyness. And, yes, I (and those I hurt) paid a heavy price for my choice. Alcohol became my 'owner'. It dominated everything. I had lost the power of choice.

Yet here I am after years in recovery in awe at where I have been brought. I have a strong faith in a Higher Power through AA. I cannot imagine life without a HP. At times I am unable to 'feel' my HP but He IS there and often it is only in retrospect that I again recognize His Power.

I am no wiser as to His plan for me but I shall continue to trust that all will be well. He has a plan and it will unfold in time.

I still try and 'run the show' many times to feel 'safe' but paradoxically it has been 'Letting Go and Letting God' that has enabled me to feel at ease in my soul. I still have my moments of fear and dread but I am only human.

I am still terribly shy but I no longer feel shame over that. I am me and my Higher Power loves me.

I now have, in my HP, a loving hand to hold during the rest of my journey in this earthly life and beyond...till I reach home. A loving 'parent' to love and comfort me and to lead me home...which was probably all I ever craved deep down.


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