26 December 2019
It has been awhile since I’ve sat down and wrote anything. Since I closed the website down I have been just working. As far as writing, I’ve been refreshing my batteries. When I closed Creating Dreams, I envisioned this blog to become a new voice for my writings. No longer trapped by what “needed” to be written, as far as putting pressure on myself with the Steps or Promises. If I wanted to say fuck – I could and my audience wouldn’t be hurt or misled by the premise of the site. Even though, I posted odd nude photos on the site, I never really crossed the line to erotica, which I could do on the blog – if I so wished. If I wanted to post a nude of myself, I could do that on this blog – if I wished. Those thoughts gave me a compelling feeling as to what this blog could become. But up until now, I just haven’t had the energy to write much of anything – until now.
In England, it’s Boxing Day. The day after Christmas. A national holiday which gets as much attention as Christmas. For me, it means another day off from work and a time to reflect and be sad with thoughts of how I have treated people and how people have treated me. On Facebook, I received wishes for a personal milestone, yet no wishes from some people who I helped raise.
I’ll freely admit that I was a horrible dad when I was drunk. With sobriety I made amends to every child I hurt and tried to the best of my ability to rebuild bridges between us. It hurts when my building is sabotaged along the way. Even then I’ve forgiven them for the pain they inflicted on me, yet my forgiveness is never respected with an apology.
Years ago, one child wanted a change of living circumstances, so they concluded the best way to do this was to go to the police and say I was abusing them. Not only did this affect my life, but also the life of my ex-wife and her children. I gave this child the change of life they wanted and now a decade later they still have never apologized for the emotional pain they inflicted.
I used to send financial gifts to some of these children and their children and not once did I ever receive a thank you. I finally surrendered to the thought that no matter what I did it would never be enough, so why even try?
I shake my head thinking that if they knew how comfortable my life has become (financially) that they would be calling me everyday. As much as I would love a relationship with them I won’t buy it.
So here I sit on Boxing Day, grateful for a wonderful wife and our not so little ginger cat, working on my final year of immigration before I can get a permanent residence card to live and stay in the United Kingdom.
Just writing this has me feeling free. Free from the immaturity of others who should know better. The sad part is that the cycle will not end. Alcohol has deep roots in my family. My parents were drunks and treated me like shit. Then I became a drunk and treated them like shit. And treated my kids like shit. Sadly my sobriety has not changed things. My kids are doing what I did as a young adult – treating their parent like shit.
As for me, the money I used to give them I now give to The Salvation Army to help other families have a joyful Christmas...
24 September 2019
Posted this on a forum I belong too. Wanted to save it because of the "wholly trinity."
Seriously? Come on Bill, you just avoided going bankrupt for the second time. You pushed your student debt back onto the taxpayer and now you’re ready to spend again? SMH. You’ve mentioned in the past that you have a problem with spending, yet you’re ready to make a major purchase less then a month after acquiring a windfall? Why not try something more productive for your own future growth? The reality is that this is your last chance with having any form of savings… any form of financial security.
Why not leave the money in a financial institution for a year and learn to live on just what you earn? It will teach you the value of a dollar and help separate wants from needs and if you truly need something you will work for it. It is also very freeing to know that money is there but that you can live without it. If you can do that for a year, then do what you want with it. I bet if you did that for a year you’d realize that having it in savings is relaxing and it didn’t disappear or burn a hole in your wallet. You’ll gain some self-respect and see that the things you want can be gotten with patience and a plan.
I’ll let you in on my major plan. I want to buy a house boat. I want to live on the English canals on a boat. It is a very relaxing laid back lifestyle. I’ve been researching it for over a year and right now I could get a pretty nice one with cash. Then I’d need a simple source of income for mooring fees and insurance as well as upkeep. I can easily do it right now. Instead my plan is to wait a couple more years. During that time, I’ll still be researching it and saving more money. If I do it right, I can live on the water for ten years with no worries about any fees or insurance premiums.
It will be more rewarding to me when everything happens because I worked for it and earned it and so can fully enjoy it. The rest is just pscyho-babble which has helped me, hopefully you will read it, if not, no problem, I need to see it myself every now and then…
Every person has three “beings” within them. In me, I call it my “wholly trinity.” These three characters are my inner-child, my inner-parent, and my inner-adult. Now imagine all three are on a bus riding across the country. In a healthy person, the inner-adult is riding the bus. He is managing every curve, watching uncoming traffic, and obeying the speed limit. Behind him, sharing a seat is the inner-parent and the inner-child. The parent has his arm around the child’s shoulder, and pointing out everything on their journey. He pointing to the beautiful mountains and the lovely lakes. The child, with eyes wide open is enjoying it all, realizing he is safe and free. This is a wholesome and healthy inner-family.
Now imagine the opposite – an unhealthy inner-family. The child is riding the bus, the parent is in the rear of the bus ignoring the child, reading the newspaper, while the adult is yelling at the parent to take charge. The child doesn’t care about curves or sped limits or anything else… everything he wants, he wants RIGHT NOW, no matter the consequences. When “stuff hits the fan” the child cries and whines that it isn’t his fault. The parent hides behind the seat, and the adult tries to protect the other two by pointing fingers at everybody else, instead of accepting any responsibility for the child’s actions.
The conclusion is that the child is never wrong. We all need to have dreams, yet it is the responsibility of the parent to say no to the child and to be a parent and not a friend. If the parent can do that then the adult can ride the bus knowing that everyone has a place and everyone is responsible within their place.
I spent the majority of my life with my inner-child riding the bus, going from one disaster to another. Form unemployment, to homelessness, to addiction and alcoholism, to finally finding financial security and peace.