The Tenth Step of CODA states, "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."
When we were wrong promptly admitted it. As an alcoholic doing the 10th step always was "personal." It was easy to try and advance my program of recovery by self-analysis. Maybe "easy" isn't the best word to use when admitting my wrongs, but compared to CODA's 10th step it was easier.
By admitting my wrongs, I was admitting that someone had supreme power over my emotions and my spirit. That is a very hard pill to swallow. In the past, to admit that I lied to protect my wife for whatever reason usually brought about a deep depression.
In recovery from co-dependency it was still an extremely humbling experience to admit when I was wrong. But it also gave me the ability to realize that every time I did the 10th Step I regained a part of myself. And in reality by me promptly admitting my wrongs I was empowering the one I was addicted too.
For me though, this empowerment was returned with statements like, "you don't love me anymore." It was so opposite of the way our relationship had grown, that this new attitude (of gratitude) was met with anger.
For the first time in my life, by promptly admitting my wrongs, I was protecting myself. For the first time in my life, by promptly admitting my wrongs, I was putting some value to my life. The value? That I was worthy of respect and love, if not from others, at least from myself.
But, the important part about doing the tenth step was the true outpouring of love it takes. By admitting our wrongs, we give our loved one the power to grow and become responsible. We give them the power to make a mistake.
With mistakes we can grow. With mistakes we become human. By promptly admitting our wrongs we are set free to enjoy our own frailty. The sad part, our co-dependency was built on dysfunctional needs. And while one person may want healthy change, the other may fight to keep the insanity alive.
Then you'll see how strong your faith in a Higher Power has become. At this time, it would be so easy to fall back into our toxic relationship and beg for forgiveness for the way we have behaved.
I'd like to believe that at this point and time in our recovery we are strong enough to realize that our life and happiness is not dependent on others. We owe it to our Higher Power and ourselves to find that kindred spirit in our life.
The only way to find out for sure is to take that "leap of faith," and put our trust in our Higher Power. Our marriage may become stronger or it may lead to divorce, but our peace and happiness was never supposed to be built on being dependent on another.