13 April 2011

Life is 10%

Irving Berlin said, "Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it." The 9th Promise of ACOA says, "Healthy boundaries and limits will become easier for us to set."

As an AA, ACOA, and a CODA my life in recovery has had many setbacks because of relationships. This is my second attempt at sobriety. My first one started on January 16, 1986. The main reason I wanted sobriety was to save my marriage. And it worked... at least for awhile.

Around the fifth year of my sobriety my wife started getting distant from me and her actions were quite erratic. She began hanging around a bunch of party girls and more then once never made it home at night. And though when I drank, she never did, but now I wasn't drinking and she was constantly drunk.

I was scared to leave. I fought so hard to save my family and to quit then was out of the question. So to save my marriage I went back to drinking. And amazingly as soon as I began to drink, the wife quit partying and returned home. She like me better drunk, then sober.

So for the next two and a half years I found a new low and with deep shame admitted once again that I was an alcoholic. This time though, I didn't try and save my marriage... it wasn't worth it. I felt so much hatred and disgust for myself that I never wanted to go through that again and I filed for divorce.

For the next two years, I lived a bachelors life and learned to enjoy my own company... I got active in AA, as well as CODA, and ACOA. The one thing I have learned is that for me, I can't drink anymore... I can't. But I also know that it isn't a life sentence. Everyday I have a choice. I can choose to drink or choose not to drink. I still have that freedom.

And that freedom gives me knowledge into other choices... to stay in sick relationships or move on. To not fear being on my own and to look at it as part of my journey.

For me recovery is a choice, which also means I have choices in my relationships. Are they healthy for me and give me the opportunity to grow or will they cause me death and destruction...

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