The
Fifth Promise of Debtors Anonymous states that we will realize that
we are enough; we will value ourselves and our contributions.
Growing
up in an abusive alcoholic home I always felt “less than.” Never
quite good enough. Any healthy values are had were never quite good
enough for my family. If I got a B in a class I would be questioned
as to why I didn’t get an A. If I got an A, I would be questioned
about how much better it could have been if I didn’t miss a couple
of days of school because I was sick.
I
was taught that no matter what I did it was no good. Not just in my
family but also growing up during a strict time in the Catholic
Church. If I wanted to fulfil any urges as a teenage boy I was
shamed and certainly going to hell. Then the confusion really sat in
because I was told not to touch myself but yet a priest could.
I
carried these early lessons in life into my adulthood. My values
said that I needed to take care of myself and no one else. I could
run up bills and not worry about paying anyone back. In fact, I’d
become quite angry if you expected me to pay you back.
One
of the worst feelings in this world are the thoughts of being
useless. A total zero. I believed my self-worth was based on
material things. While getting a nice car and having a kick ass
stereo meant the world to me, the idea of how I’d pay for it never
entered my mine.
It
was all for show. A new stereo meant inviting people over. Get a
keg of beer, crank it up and party the night away. This would go on
for a couple of weeks, then the first monthly bill would arrive in
the mail. A sense of accomplishment would fill me with false pride
when I made a minimum payment.
Next
month would come and another small payment was made. This would go
on for six months until frustration would set in. I’d look at the
balance and hardly nothing was removed. I was paying interest and
very little else. Now my stereo was outdated and small compared to
others. I hated it and now even hated myself for buying it.
I
now believe that is OK not to have everything. That I don’t have a
need that isn’t met. By learning how to let go of my wants, I have
come to a spiritual freedom realizing that I am basically a transient
in this time and place. That I can’t take anything with me when I
leave so why do I need to acquire things now?
A
short time ago my wife and I got away for a weekend. Nothing
extravagant. Just a simple weekend together and it was perfect. She
came home with a new mug for her to drink tea, I came home with a
root beer, something that is hard to find in the UK. And we were
both more than happy with these simple gifts.
And
the best gift of all after spending the weekend together? No debt.
It was all paid for with cash.
No comments:
Post a Comment