29 September 2012

Law of Benevolence

The Law of Benevolence states that the universe bends in our direction, it is for us and never against us. It suggests that the best will find us if we allow it.

Sabotage. The worst enemy a person can have. The Law of Benevolence tells me that the best awaits me and I believe that... yet whenever I have the best... I found ways to sabotage it... to destroy it or push it away.

Early in my journey, just as I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel I would turn around and head back into the darkness. I wanted the best... yet I avoided it. In a way I feared the best.

Looking back at it, it was the only course of action I could take. It was all I knew. I had no idea how to be a good employee, I was used to be the headache in any relationship. People who wanted to be friends, scared the heck out of me and I did everything in my power to destroy those friendships. I didn't know how to be a friend. So instead of learning how to be a friend, I turned my back and ran away.

What is the best? A new car? A fancy house? More money then you know what to do with? I used to chase these things... but why? Did a new car or a fancy house make me the best? No way. There was a time in the late 70's that I had more money then I knew what to do with... did that make me the best... no.

If this isn't the best what is? Peace? Yes. To have peace of mind. To go to a job because I want to, not because I have to. To pay my bills on time, instead of paying late fees and paying just before it was shut off. Peace is having a credit card for emergencies, instead of as a savings account. Peace is not figuring overtime into a budget... to just work my hours and call it good enough.

Yes, I do apply some peace with money but it is no longer a god to me. In the past I associated money as a way to achieve happiness, today I associate it with peace.

What else is the best? Comfort? Yes. Comfort that your home is cool (or warm) according to the weather. Comfort is having a full tummy with good food and being able to kick back and watch TV, or read a book... or read something on the internet.

And the ultimate comfort? Having someone special to share the best with. As a codependent, I also need to recognize that this comfort should be something I want... not something I need.

In the past, I lived this comfort as something I needed. And I justified this need by saying I didn't want to die alone. How sad of a statement that is – I didn't want to die alone. I thought I was living the 12 Steps, yet I still didn't want to recognize that with my Higher Power I will never be alone.

Today, I view this comfort as something I want. And I now recognize that I don't need to rush it or even worry about it. It will happen. There is no doubt in my mind with that. The difference is that in the past, I sought that comfort with people who I associated with from my past. They weren't from my past but rather they were people who I would have been comfortable with at that time.

The comfort I want now is a soul-mate who won't control me or yes me to death. It is what I want and The Law of Benevolence will give it to me. I just need to dream it and it will become reality.

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