Phone Fun

There are many things in our lives that, at times, can be more annoying then others. It’s how we deal with these annoyances that can show how much we have grown in the spiritual world. One subject that can be down right rage inducing is telemarketers. I admit there was a time where I use to get down right angry with these people.

I’d rant and rave over the phone to a person who was just doing a job. Admittedly a job I wouldn’t want to do, but someone had to do it. Overtime, as my attitudes changed (amazing how that happened when I quit drinking) my behavior to these people also changed. Why not create some magic with them? Start being nice to them, let them enter your private world and give them something to talk about around the water cooler. I’ve gotten to the point where I get a little depressed if the phone rings and it’s someone I know. Give me that total stranger and let me go on an adventure.

I started these adventures on a Saturday, in the late spring, around nine o’clock in the morning. It was a lazy morning, my ex-wife was at work and I decided to sleep in for a little bit. Half awake I debated about rolling over and going back to sleep or get up and do some yard work. The phone rang and my way of thinking about telemarketers has never been the same.

“Hello,” in a long stretched out voice.
“Good morning, Mr. Harm,” she said in a wide-awake energetic tone.
“Are you busy or can I have a few minutes of your time.”
“I’m just trying to make a baby.”
A few moments of silence. Timidly, she asked, “Is this a bad time?”
“For you maybe but not for me! Oh my God!” Click!
I could just picture this gal blushing and telling her friends what had just happened. I thought, this is all right; I’m having fun and bringing a sense of excitement and fantasies to a total stranger. This lady called me trying to sell something three minutes later; she was embarrassed she’d called.

Now, I needed to work on this. Refine it and see how far I could go. Within a week I had my second chance.
“Hello.”
“David?”
“Yeah, this is me.”
“Hi, my name is Maggie and I’ve got some great deals on magazines.”
“I guess you can tell me about them. I need someone to talk to anyhow. I’m here by myself, sitting in a hot tub of water bored silly.”
“OK, Mr. Harm. I can offer you up to 70% off the cost of…”
“Wow, you’ve got a very pretty voice. Kind of like… Helen Hunt.”
“Well, thank you. These magazines are…”
“Oh damn, I dropped my soap. There it is between my legs. Oh yeah, umh, there we go.”
“Mr. Harm?”
“I’m listening. Please keep talking. I can’t believe how much you sound like Helen Hunt.”
“I think, I should call back at another time.”
“Oh please don’t go. I’m close, just keep talking.” Click.

I’ve created all sorts of sexual situations where the caller eventually just hangs up. Though one time, one lady stayed on the phone through my whole “show.” This was uncharted territory for me, so the story just kept going along. Eventually, my story reached its “climax.” She was happy she could help and she gave me her own 800 number if she could ever be of assistance again. One minute pushing credit cards and then being a passive voyeur on a “home alone porn line.”

I find it easy to find success with the female telemarketers being able to make them feel uncomfortable. Having them believe that they should have never called. My methods with the male side of that coin, still needs improvement. But, it’s a work in progress.

I will say that last month, has brought a new merchant in my telemarketing stories. I thought by now, I have been propositioned on every known credit card, magazine, window replacement, and siding company known to man. Was I ever wrong!

“Hello, David?”
“Yeah.”
“This is Mike, with Metro Entertainment in Los Angeles.”
This guy’s got my attention.
“I’d like to introduce you to the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ tapes.”
A moment of silence. Did I hear right? Porn telemarketers?
“Oh?”
“We’ll send you the two latest ‘Girls Gone Wild’ tapes or DVD’s…”
“Oh?”
“For only $19.95, then a new one every month for $9.95.”
“Well, I… I was wondering… if…”
“Yes, Mr. Harm?”
“Do have any ‘Boys Gone Wild’?”
“Excuse me?”
“Yeah, ‘Boys Gone Wild’? I’d enjoy that a lot more.”
Click.

We all get those annoying phone calls from time to time. Asking for donations or wanting to consolidate our loans. I know, I can have my name placed on the “Do not call list,” but these calls can brighten up both of our days. It’s still a work in progress, but it’s slowly becoming a refined art – how to make a telemarketer hang up on YOU!