10 December 2011
I came home...
Simon Parke writes in his simply written, emotionally challenging yet incredibly freeing, and heartening book, 'Forsaking the Family' that
" The great and the good love family values; it is a fine sounding phrase, and always in season. Family values is sewn on the banner of all politicians, while remaining an insistent lobby of the religious right also. It is however, not only an entirely meaningless phrase but an entirely dangerous one. For families have the capacity to destroy people, being the single most manipulative force in the world today" p3
Ever since being a child, I always felt detached and disconnected from this world...perhaps not so much from this world as utterly and totally disconnected from my 'family'. Even as a very young child I remember walking behind my parents and feeling remote and distant from them.
Strangely though, even as a very young human being with very few years on the planet I felt strongly in my heart that I belonged SOMEWHERE. Where? I couldn't have told you but I knew I belonged SOMEWHERE. One thing I knew in my heart and have always known was that I did not belong to my earthly biological 'family'.
Some 3 decades later I, through the 12 Steps of AA and the fellowship found my home. I found where my soul feels at ease. The greatest miracle of all was that AA led me back to my true 'family' . I had been lost for many many years. I was dying inside physically and mentally. A bunch of ex drunks in a run down old hut saved me. Up until that moment NO human power, however loving and well meaning had been able to help me. That bunch of ex drunks - (of which I am myself one!) were the key that opened the door to my recovery and my journey back to my true family - my Higher Power. I had come home.
I read the 'Big Book' which I connected with immediately and also 'Living Sober' which I found a huge help. 'Living Sober' really seemed to 'cheer me on' when I decided to work the program in my own way and questioned some of the suggestions/advice given to me by some 'well meaning' but I felt more controlling and vocal members of AA. (some seemed to have developed, I felt, some quite bizarre ideas as to how to work the program and on sponsorship etc!) Having the power of the AA literature behind me seemed to quickly shut such members up!!!! Simplicity and not being or feeling 'suffocated' were vital to me. Still are.
I had an 'old school' sponsor (VERY Bossy but very loving!!!!) who wasted no time in starting me on the steps 3 days after my last drink! I trusted the process and it worked. I believe that no human power could have saved me. I tried for years. I had nowhere else to go. My sponsor urged me early on to develop a relationship with a Higher Power and not an unhealthy codependency on a human sponsor or on any human being.
Yes, the human beings in that AA room played a huge part but the real power that saved me was greater than any human power. I do not suggest in any way that my path is the 'necessary' or 'right/appropriate' path for everyone. There may be many who recover without spiritual help. I needed it though...desperately. I craved it deep down yet I didn't know it. The Steps gave me it in a form I could relate to.
Life happens, sh*t happens and at times I yell at my HP saying "What on earth are You doing? WHY is this happening? WT*" (Language edited!!!!!)
I still go through moments of desperation, fear and worry but I know that through it all my HP is my loving parent. My HP loves me with a love I can't even fathom. Sometimes I struggle to hear or feel Him but He is there. I came home.
Oh! How at times in the midst of trauma and chaos I want to know His plan but AA teaches me that I cannot possibly know His plan.
I have to sometimes simply force myself to trust it!
A day at a time I am sober, and mostly I feel contentment and joy. I feel loved and cared for and blessed by my true family... my HP. He created me and is glad I was born and is always happy I am home!
He never shames, belittles, bullies or neglects me. He gives me the love and comfort that I seek.
He loves me just as much as He loves each and every one of His children...and YES beautiful blog reader...that includes YOU!
Christmas blessings to all of you.