27 April 2011

CODA's Second Step

"Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

How did I get to a point where I was not only addicted to alcohol and drugs, but also to suffer from being addicted to people? Namely one person. The person you believe that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. AA helped me find spirituality. It gave me the ability to find peace and happiness in a world that isn't perfect. And in a world that isn't perfect, it is alright for me to not be perfect, but yet still be acceptable.

But as my sobriety strengthened my spirituality began to weaken. I couldn't understand why until I realized I had changed my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God. God was no longer my top priority. I was seeking approval from another human. I gave this person a god-like status and when approval and acceptance wasn't enough I felt abandoned. The more I tried to "fix" this person, the more "broke" I became.

Through AA, I learned that my God would give me the strength and the courage to move forward on a new path. A path that didn't include alcohol or drugs. It is part of the spiritual program that creativity and to love unselfishly are companions in need for a serene future.

Sobriety opens the mind to thoughts and new ideas. Thoughts never dreamed of before. The whole world lights up and the beauty of everything and everyone around that person becomes "a child of God."

But when love isn't returned, it becomes a dysfunction built upon the needs of both people. One constantly seeking approval and acceptance, the other trying to remain in control. The control isn't necessarily abusive; but rather built on sick games. Where manipulation and lies justify the means.

My co-dependency had me believing that I would never be loved again. And while I may be "needed" no one would ever "want" me. Every day, something would happen that would reinforce these ideas and I would feel more abandoned than the day before. I felt worthless and useless and finally abused. The fact is the more I tried for my love to be accepted, the more I was abused. Until I finally realized that the only one abusing me - was myself.

AA showed me that their was power in the belief that He could do for me what I couldn't due for myself. As much as I feared being alone, the reality was that I was already alone. I didn't have the love I wished for and I had pushed away the love of my God.

Once again, I needed His help. I needed to surrender and accept that I had no power over anything or any one. With this surrender I also realized that no one or no thing could have power over me. The Serenity Prayer helped me through some very rough times. It helped me accept that everything is exactly as God wants it to be. It was out of my control.

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