26 November 2011

Little Boy Lost

I wrote this poem shortly after receiving a photo from a cousin. It was my family. Mom and Dad, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins. One cousin, younger then me was sleeping but everyone else was in the picture. When I look at it, I see a lot of people I never knew. I see an aunt and uncle I never met. Yeah, the picture shows otherwise, but I was quite young. Heck, I even have a cousin, I never knew. When I wrote this it had been over 20 years since I had seen anyone from my family. Christmas cards and now a little contact with a cousin, who found my web site is it. 20 years of anger, rage, and pain. And now that my books are beginning my own healing process, the secrets are now disappearing. And the little boy is coming out of hiding...


Little Boy Lost

My family?
A tree?
I'm a part of?
Aunts and Uncles,
I never really knew.
Same with parents.
Pain of loneliness is seen.
The pain... of pain...
Its back... new, different.

What happen, so long ago.
Dead can't answer,
Living want to forget.
Brothers, cousins,
have moved on.
Able to forgive,
Or at least,
Bury the past.

Wish I knew,
What happened.
Wish someone,
Could explain,
My family.
If I could have been,
"Man enough,"
Accept it, live it.
Maybe...
Just maybe...
This family,
Could have been mine.

Alcoholism, addiction,
Pushed brothers away.
Shame and guilt,
Made cousins,
Strangers.

Just pain...
No trust.
Killing for eons.
An eternity...
Lost memories...
Of a family...
Never born.
Though I belong inside,
This is a family,
I'll never know.

My family?
My... family...
Sadly...
Outside,
I'll always stay.
My family?
I wish I knew...
Time does not heal,
All wounds...

4 comments:

Dave Harm said...

Some thoughts from Authors Den...

Reviewed by L. Figgins 2/13/2005
This pains my heart. Do all you can to mend fences, starting with your cousin. You know the pebble thrown into the water? That is like the ramifications of what happened in your family and the alienation which resulted from it. Don't let this go on into the next generation and the next. Keep digging! Good luck to you...

Reviewed by Tina Tessina 2/11/2005
Powerful imagery. I wish I had seen it when I was writing "The Real 13th Step" I'd have asked for permission to include it.

Reviewed by Vesna Twinflameunion 2/11/2005
..are you healing Dave?...I hope that you are for much pain is evident in this piece..I hope that you know that you are truly Loved..one day you will know what I mean...bless you..chin up..you're not alone.

Beautiful work..ty!

Reviewed by Kate Burnside 2/11/2005
Well, Dave, I guess there's little that this incurable gas-bag can add to the amazing melting pot that you have created here by your open-hearted honesty and bravery in confronting and articulating your feelings. I am floored by all you have expressed - on behalf of the many of us, in all our manifold ways - and by the ways that others share and deal with similar family experiences. And my hand is firmly up with the "Me, too!" on this one - except my own response has been to desire solitude rather than social contact - even within my own blessed family home, sometimes. But I think that, emotionally speaking, it is true that there is "No pain - No gain" and that, like necessary physical surgery, we have to be prepared to walk the rough with the smooth on the road to true resolution and recovery... Looks like we are all in this together, then... best foot forward, folks!! Good to know we don't walk alone, hey?! ( - But don't be surprised to find me heading off into the bushes!!) Like others, I am just beginning to know what it ACTUALLY means to be fully loved and accepted for who I am: here!! Crazy but true - and is this REAL relationship or not?! Who cares, the effect is the same and it is "real" family to me - and a healing one. Thank you for this and I hope you are feeling bathed and soothed by our empathy of shared feelings and experience.

Dave Harm said...

Still more thoughts...

Reviewed by Ann Piatt 2/10/2005
This is very powerful...such an open window into your emotions...i felt like i was watching a mini-movie play...and the narrator's pain was very clear...so clear that even the "viewer" can feel it too.

Thank you for sharing such a personal piece of writing.

Time does not heal all wounds...hmmmm...i have a friend who calls this..."Managed Pain"...know what i mean? we deal with it...but never really goes away.

Reviewed by Rebekah Rosie Lang 2/10/2005
Wow~ Very powerful! Excellent
title for the poem too! It fits!
When I was 18 yrs, I started to heal from
sexual abuse for a couple of months, then had
to put life on hold due to illness, severe & life-threatening.
Becca

Reviewed by A PAX 2/9/2005
Wounds do heal, but we have a tendency to pick at them when they itch....
like those nagging thoughts that get a grip on us.........
its up to us....and some families cannot credit everything on one black sheep.......the whole flock is black lol

we are human, we phuck up.......
but we can always make it better.......
as long as we are alive.......
awsome, huh?


Reviewed by A Serviceable Villain 2/9/2005
Deeply emotive write - we are a part of ancestry ... Bravo on sharing this well-done piece!!

Reviewed by M. B. 2/8/2005
Oh wow, this reminds me of my own birth family. Like you I have been dealing with decades of rage and pain trying to find some closure within a family who will give me no acceptance or answers. *Little Boy Lost* was written in a powerful mesmerizing style that keeps you captivated from the first word to the last.

Reviewed by Regis Auffray 2/8/2005
Courageous sharing, Dave. Many will relate to and identify with this poem. Love and peace. Regis

Reviewed by Zenith Elliott 2/8/2005
I know this feeling all to well, thank you for posting this Dave. You did a beautiful job in writing this, Peace and best wishes..~Z~
Reviewed by Linda Hill 2/8/2005
Dave, this poem touched my heart deeply. I am glad that you won the battle and posted this. So many can identify, including me. "To thine own self be true" my friend.

Dave Harm said...

And more thoughts...

Reviewed by Ryan Kelly 2/8/2005
I sense the sadness in this piece is not only your sadness. In your opening comments you speak of this battle to put it on AD. I can totally relate as I experienced this same battle before publishing my memoirs. Looking back, battles are a waste of time. The truth is never wrong. With me, it was like G.E, said, it was me or them, I chose me. I think that would make a great bumper sticker. Really feels good to know I'm not alone either. Great write!

Reviewed by OnepoetGem * the Poetic Rapper 2/8/2005
this touched me Dave. Don't feel you're alone. There's more than one way to lose a family. I'm glad I lost mine, it was me or them. I chose me. Mom sheltered my no working drug using stealing nephews and brother, nephews are my sisters kids. For years I tried to get her to put them out and make them work but she wouldn't. She turned against me, I became the bad guy because I was responsible. They were about to drive me up a tree, so I broke and never looked back. Best thing I ever did. Now after 30 years, my moms lost everything, even her home. Now she's in a nursing home with mind problems. I feel sorry for her but at least I survived all the stupid mess. Those stupid brothers and nephews now have to be men. I heard one of them was strung out worst than Ray Charles, sleeping in his car because theres no more fools like my mother. Not even his own mother will take him in. Piteful man. So don't feel rained on, just be glad you're doing good. G

Reviewed by Retta (Reindeer) Mckenzie 2/7/2005
Ah Dave, this was so poignant, I am sure that many can relate to this deeply moving poem, the mark of a great poet..outstanding.

Reviewed by Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner 2/7/2005
Many will identify with this. I know I do. I come from a large family, and we're no longer close--
I don't know if the unraveled ties will ever be mended. An excellent, poignant write--

Reviewed by Janet Parker 2/7/2005
You are brave to write this, Dave. Sometimes I think revealing "the secret" to people helps. I've always envied people with big families. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm an only child and had three first cousins. There is hardly anyone left except the mother who beat me with her hands and her words. God Bless You.

Reviewed by Mr. Ed 2/7/2005
Time truly doesn't heal all wounds - I guess that's something many of us truly have to do ourselves.

Reviewed by jude forese 2/6/2005
i met my mother's family once at a large party in honor of me ... they had found me after 50 years ... i met i aunt, 10 first cousins and about 25 second cousins ... they were strangers to me ... my father's family i also never knew ... all because time didn't heal

Reviewed by Tracey L. O' Very (Reader) 2/6/2005
Such a sad thing to live and feel. I'm the odd ball always have been. Time lost and all for whatever reasons I can relate to this very well as all can I'm sure but since after 30 years no reason really, have gotten in contact with my cousins 2 of them and precious time lost yeah but we have today and I'm glad. We all have to live life and go through what ever it is but there's always today.
Love Tracey xoox
PS Never battle your feelings here at the den You are among family and many friends here. Very Caring Understanding ones. They've really helped me & supported me. k?

Reviewed by Ed Matlack 2/6/2005
I have always been the "black sheep" of our family, and now that my parents are both dead, I never, not that I ever did much before, see or even hear from cousins...let them have their family life, I got Rufuz and Rene and thats all I need...Ed (oh and this is a painful write, unless of course you feel the way I do...then, screw them!)

Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 2/6/2005
Oh I know this feeling well!! The only family I have left is my two brothers and my own my kids and my husbands family!! Of my own...well only four of us... step-mom included!!

Dave Harm said...

And still more...

Reviewed by Vicky Jeter 2/6/2005
Dave - I, too, have experienced the sheering of "Family" at the
relentlessness of cycles of addiction. You deserve to know your story. Stories hold our context by which to make sense, contain or build something -- move on from where we've been immobilized by the emotional lethargy. If no one can tell you "the" stories -- ask yourself the qualities of how it "feels" in reflection; then write yourself stories with context that correspond to your feelings.
The story is "true" in so much as it identifies your experience of it. I commend your continued courage and I wish you well. Vicky

Reviewed by jacqueline amos 2/6/2005
Dave you can bring the pain out of your writing, nevertheless the lessons that one learns, you are an excellent writer.

Reviewed by Sue Hess 2/6/2005
no it doesn't and nothing hurts like family even if it is just not having one. this is an excellent portrayal of that pain, dave

Reviewed by Judy Lloyd (Reader) 2/6/2005
It is painful to look at the past Dave sometimes the failings that they see in you or alledge to be is their own fear of doing the same thing. Perhaps the crack in the door is the cousin contacting you.

Reviewed by George Carroll (Reader) 2/6/2005
A painful look at the past.

Reviewed by Andy Turner (Reader) 2/6/2005
Yup, I come from a large family, being one of nine.

Felix is spot on. Even Jesus said the same...

Reviewed by Felix Perry 2/6/2005
Dave although I've been blessed by having and growing old in a large family I truly believe that blood is not the sole connecting factors of good family. I have good friends that I consider just as much my family as brothers and sisters so you are not alone.