The more I travel along this journey of recovery, the more I recognise as an adult, the power to choose my thoughts. Ugh! How I balked and walked away angry and resentful when it was pointed out to me I do have a choice in my attitude and that as an adult I didn't have to remain a powerless victim.
The most powerful example of this concept I have come across was whilst reading the preface to Viktor Frankl's 'Man's Search for Meaning' first published in 1946...
"In the concentration camp every circumstance conspires to make the prisoner lose his hold. All the familiar goals in life are snatched away. What alone remains is "the last of human freedoms" - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances". (p12)
By suggesting I can choose my thoughts is in no way to belittle or deny the horrific things that can happen during the course of our lives and the processes that follow in dealing with them, but is to simply say that for me, there came a point where I had to make a choice - to change my attitudes or to keep giving my power away to those I felt had let me down. My obsession with "what they had done" was stunting my growth and preventing me keeping the focus on my life today and my conduct...and was also an extremely useful 'alibi' when my conduct came up less than acceptable!
The 12 Steps have helped me to heal. It is a lifetime's process and one I am extremely grateful for. When I am struggling, I also think of Viktor Frankl and it helps me with my perspective.
For me, there is always hope. I know not God's plan but I trust it, I trust that I shall go to a kinder place when I leave this earthly life. I have always felt too sensitive for this life, kind of like a homeless sunbeam searching for her home in the Universe!
The 12 Steps have given and continue to give me hope and as Nietzsche claimed..."He who has a why to live can cope with almost any how."
Keeping it simple, a day at a time and keeping a beginner's mind and perhaps above all, an open mind - after almost 9 years in recovery seems to keep me on the right path....just for today!
On a lighter note, a while ago I was walking down to my local village, muttering and feel resentful over some 'stuff' when I spotted some dog poo on the kerb...this just exacerbated and caused even more grumbling, I then happened to look up and spotted some beautiful blackberries growing on a hedge with the turquoise sky as a backdrop ... "Ok! Snowie! There you have it!! You can choose to focus on the sh*t or you can choose to focus on the beauty in life....your choice!"