01 March 2011

Oh Charlie... Just surrender

I have been clean and sober for over 16 years and on a lesser scale I lived the life that CS is living. Like I said - a lesser scale. I was a dealer for close to two years and lived high on the hog until I became addicted to coke.

All of this I did as a guy in his 20s... no kids, no wife... just me. And I thought this lifestyle was great and I wasn't hurting anybody. I hurt everybody... from family, to neighbors, to friends. The list was endless but at the time I didn't care because "I was cool and everybody wanted my life."

Before I started my own addictions, I had a pretty good life just by dealing. All sorts of women and always a pocket full of money. After my nightmare started I ended up homeless and eating out of dumpsters.

I could go on with how high I was and how low I got but that isn't the point. What I am sharing is my experience. Listen to Charlie... every word is a new layer in paranoia. He is lost and fighting like heck to keep his lifestyle in tact.

There is nothing to be envious about or to praise him for... he is defeated but he just can't raise that white flag. And it truly is sad.

Charlie has no use for AA because no one in AA could give a rat's ass who he is. All they would care about is his sobriety. No one would want to hear how much money he has or the women he has been with. AA is a program that demands rigorous honesty and right now he doesn't have that.

That is why he has no use for AA because his games don't work there. Lets face it... every alcoholic is a master at playing games and Charlie would be in a room with masters. He wouldn't stand a chance.

Charlie won't hurt AA. Like a couple of you have mentioned you know someone in AA... those are the people others see... not Charlie. People that I work with know I attend AA and they view AA by looking at me... not a paranoid active drunk.

As far as passing a urine test. That is easy. If I had a job interview tomorrow and knew I was going to have a test... I could still party all night and pass that test. Every herbal store has kits to buy that can give a clean reading.

As for me, I can look at Charlie and realize if not for the Grace of God that could be me. It is not a lifestyle to be admired or praised and deep down Charlie is seeing that as well.

He has reached a point where he can't imagine life without alcohol and drugs... but he also can't imagine a life with it either. And that is a very lonely place to be...

Thanks for listening...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Yes, it is a terrifying place to be. I have been there too Dave. Like you say, Charlie won't hurt AA. I travelled the world, I had any drug I wanted...and the lifestyle? Wow! people were so envious. What they didn't see was that I was dying inside. His wealth and access to women and drugs and people possibly worshipping him is all shallow stuff. I believe that just like I had, he has a soul sickness. AA saved my life. And yes, AA demands rigorous honesty and humility. He should not be enabled or worshipped at all. He is not God - he is behaving like a tin god....perhaps a case of believing his own publicity. Hopefully he will stop soon. It's a horrible place to be. I just wanted to attack eveybody and everything....in the end I was left with me. Maybe having access to all that money can make the road to looking at ourselves harder and longer........so many yes men and "hangers on"? I don't know.
I pray he finds himself and peace again soon.