16 August 2010

Trust

Sometimes, I have often thought that I was speaking to a wall with some people.  Namely my wife.  I hate to be that blunt but sometimes I felt like what I said went in one ear and out the other.
 
I am a jack of all trades, I can do just about any type of a home repair job as well as any type of a business deal.  But I am far from being a pro at anything.
 
Last year we got audited for back taxes, which threw her into panic mode.  It was all my fault and blah, blah, blah.  Well, it did upset me but I also knew the way I filed it and why I filed it that way that I was really honest and not trying to cheat the government out of any money.
 
Well, she spent hours on the phone talking to family members about our financial affairs… which began to make me doubt myself.
 
Eventually, we went to tax court and they agreed with me and the way I filed it and we didn’t end up paying anymore money.  Not once after that did I get an apology for her doubting me.
 
Another time our clothes dryer broke down.  I broke out my meter and began testing things and found the problem.  Yet, she doubted me and had to call her brother.  Now her brother is an excellent do-it-yourselfer and I would have no problem asking him for help if I needed it.  More then once, he fixed my car for me because I had no idea what was wrong.
 
But that day he came up with other things that could be wrong with the dryer and I heard it all from the wife.  I just bit my tongue and remained quiet.  The next day, I got the part that I thought was broken and changed it and the dryer worked.
 
I told her it was what I thought it was and that it hurt that she doubted me… doubted not only my knowledge but doubted that I would have sought advice if I thought I needed it.
 
Tonight I got a call from her about the house.  It is in foreclosure and I told her back in January that if we just walk away from it and turn it back over to the mortgage company everything would be fine.
 
She called and said she has make been making phone calls and told me everything that I already knew and things that I told her back in January.  I kept answering her by saying, “I know that.”  Which she began to get upset over.  All I could say was, “You never trusted my opinion or knowledge on anything and that is why we are where we are.”
 
I spent many years getting doubted by her… to the point I began to doubt myself.  I still don’t have all my confidence back, but it is coming back.
 
I am ashamed that I allowed it to happen… that I didn’t protect myself sooner.  But I am grateful to my HP to have given me the strength to move forward… alone.
 
Trust comes in some many different ways… the major reason our marriage ended was because she had no trust in my experiences.
 
My first wife I couldn’t trust because she fooled around a lot.  This wife I couldn’t trust because we had no private life.  Everyone knew our business, which meant everyone had advice and that advice was usually different then mine.  It wasn’t a matter of who was right or who was wrong… or even who won or lost.  What mattered was as a husband I was given no trust… no faith.
 
Someday it will happen… I believe that… someday I will share in a relationship that trust is given without doubts.    I used to think that trust meant being faithful as a couple but I have learned it means so much more.  It means respect and talking things out together and not involving everyone else in our lives.
 
Sorry if this kind of rambled around.  That phone call hit a nerve and I just needed to let it go.  So I wrote it out and now I’m sharing it with you.  Thanks for listening…

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