I woke up Friday morning, beating myself up. How did that happen? Less then 24 hours earlier, I told one of my bosses that I was an alcoholic. I felt good... I felt like I might have a chance because I was coming "clean." I thought I was surrendering.
Yet, here I was starting another day with a hangover. I got in my car for a 20 mile drive to work and by the time I arrived there I had a six pack of beer in me. I had reached the point where I didn't think that I could surrender. I didn't see an end in sight. I came to the acceptance that I was a drunk and I was going to stay a drunk - so why even try?
I would have a long day at work. Planned about a month ago, one of the custodians was taking a vacation day today, so I would be doing his work. But I couldn't do that until school got out.
The day dragged on and I'd make trips to town, under the guise that I needed to get supplies. On the final trip, I actually did get a large amount of supplies and at the bottom of one of the boxes I carried into the church was a 12 pack of beer. Hey, I believed I was a drunk so why not stay drunk?
The day finally came to an end and I started cleaning classrooms, restrooms, and everything else that needed to be done. Friday's the building usually emptied pretty quick. And by six o'clock, the part-time custodians were going home and I was in the building by myself.
The church/school where I worked covered a lot of ground. And had a lot of buildings that weren't directly attached to the main part. I went outside and watched a bunch of people starting to venture into the Youth House. On Friday nights there was an AA meeting in it. I watched the folks going in and thought, what the hell why not go? So, I headed over and walked in - drunk.
I sat down and the meeting started. The Youth House had a very relaxed atmosphere to it. The meeting was held in the living room. There were four cushioned chairs and a couple of couches and a bunch of folding chairs and we all sat in a circle. I took my seat and just looked down at the gold shag carpet.
What the meeting was about I have no idea. I was there... but I wasn't there. People kept sharing and the talk went around the room. There were only two of us left who hadn't spoken. Me and the gentleman directly to my right.
As he talked, something clicked in my mind. I knew that voice. And I looked at him and I did know him. It blew me away that he was an alcoholic. He was an extremely well to do man in the community and a few years back (before I had a slip) he used his profession to help me. I listened to him speak and it was music to my ears. Everything he said made sense. He was me.
When he finished, everyone looked at me and I said, "Hi, I'm Dave and I'm an alcoholic. All I've got to say is that there is no doubt that I am an alcoholic." And that was it. The meeting ended and I ventured outside and the guy who I knew talked to me outside one on one. We talked for well over an hour, long after everyone had left. He gave me simple things to do when I wanted to drink and explained why.
After he left, I was higher then a kite. I knew someone in the program. Someone I had a lot of respect for - outside the program. There was hope!
I locked up the buildings and headed home. And like every other day, I celebrated with a couple of beers! I was celebrating because even though in my head I knew it was wrong, but my heart told me, drink tonight and quit tomorrow.