03 September 2009

The Final Week - Day 5

Getting closer, but the fears of sobriety are beginning to outweigh the promise of death. This is my anniversary week, something I’ve paid tribute to every year, but the first time I’ve put it in written form…

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I woke up Thursday morning about 3 o'clock. I couldn't sleep and was shaking like a leaf. I was shaking not from withdrawals but rather from a lack of food. I really didn't eat much of the pizza from the night before and put the leftovers in the oven.

As it warmed up, I noticed all I had to drink was either water or beer. And actually neither one sounded good. I grabbed some change and went to the gas station which was about 100 feet from the trailer and got a soda. That was the best meal I had ever eaten. I felt alive again and then reality sat back in.

My wife (now ex) was in the arms of another man. I couldn't return home, I was screwing up my job, and... I knew something had to be done with my drinking.

I went to work and my mind was going a million miles a minute trying to come up with an answer. I finally came to the conclusion that I had to tell my boss what was going on. Working at a church/school, I had two bosses - the school principal and the head pastor. I chose to tell the pastor.

I caught him as he walked in the building and I asked him if I could take about ten minutes of his time. We walked in his office and I told him about my troubles and for the first time in over two years I told someone, "I am an alcoholic."

He said he knew that I had a problem and wished me luck and we said a prayer together. I left his office and felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. I finally let go of my secret! That day at work was the fastest I had had in a long time. I felt so good that by the end of the day, I had to celebrate.

So, I bought a case of beer and headed to my new home. Oh, but this time, I'd be a bit more prepared. I stopped at the Salvation Army and bought some cheap pots and pans, some plates, silverware and a TV. I was so "responsible" that I even stopped and got some groceries.

That night, I set up my house and ate a good meal... and then... got drunk. I laid on the couch watching TV wondering how this happened and I began to really wonder if I could stop drinking or was it going to be like this forever? And how long would forever be?

My worse fear began popping up in my head. That I would die drunk… just like my mom. I so much hated the hell I found myself in… but I couldn’t think of an escape…

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