30 August 2009

The final Week - Day One

This is my anniversary week. This was the last week of a very insane lifestyle. And it is also a very monumental time in my 12 Step recovery. This week, everyday I am going to share a brief description of that final week. And the gift that I found at the end of that week.

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I thought that I had everyone buffaloed. I was lying to everyone and I began making plans on how I could continue this charade. The charade was that I was not allowed to drink any alcohol beverage as long as I lived in the same house as my ex-wife, daughter, and step-children.

At the time, my ex and I were the only ones in the house. The children were still in foster care, waiting for the courts to approve their return home. Every three months, we'd all meet in that court room and go over what had happen since our last appearance.

Basically, it was a review of counseling sessions and supervised visits with the kids. But this session was different. The courts had found out that I was still drinking. So this session was about me. How much was I drinking? Did my spouse know about it? And naturally, I lied about how much I had been drinking. And also quite naturally, the judge didn't believe a word I said.

By the end of that session I was told to be out of the house by the end of the day. If I wasn't then the children would become permanent wards of the state. I left the court house, gave the ex a hug and told her everything would be alright. Then I told her that I had to get back to work and left her. Though I had no plans of going to work. In my shock and not wanting to deal with reality, I went to the liquor store and got a case of beer.

About four hours later, I arrived home, pretty well drunk. I was greeted by a hysterical wife who just couldn't understand why I needed alcohol so desperately. I apologized and packed some clothes, then got in my car and left. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do.

But I knew that the reason the kids weren't in that home was because of me. And I also knew that no matter what I would not be the reason why they couldn't return home.

I drove around for a couple of hours and continued to get drunk. Finally, I parked my car in the parking lot where I worked and passed out in the back seat.

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