23 May 2009

Birds of a feather

Our lives have been programmed from early childhood on how we will live. We can change this “programming” if we are conscious of this fact. Last week I posted a poem at Authors Den entitled Lets Get Honest. One of the reviews for it came from a 15 year old young lady. She agreed with what I had to say and wished her boyfriend would quit drinking. She went on to say that, he was 20 years old and drinking everyday with his friends and she didn’t like it.

I did a little more searching and found her blog. One entry talked about living at her Grandma’s house and how last week, she came home after curfew and was quite drunk. She stumbled in the house and Grandma asked her what she was on. She just laughed at her and went into the kitchen and fell over the kitchen table. Where is Mom? She did share that Dad was in prison, so he wasn’t in the picture.

But the fact is she is attracted to a drunk for a reason. It’s all she knows. She wants her boyfriend to quit drinking, yet she can’t. Someday, maybe she’ll leave this guy, but I’ll almost say with certainty that her next boyfriend will be just as sick, if not worse.

Last year, I found my old high school’s website and found a forum for the alumni. I looked around and seen the name of a gal I dated in high school. It said she died at the age of 47. I did some more searching and found out that she died of “alcohol related causes.” Was alcohol the reason we were attracted to each other? Of course it was - we knew the rules - we knew the game.

I haven’t drank in over 11 years, but I’d bet I could walk into any bar and give me ten minutes and I’ll be in a comfortable conversation with another alcoholic or incest survivor. I dated one lady who was gang raped and an alcoholic. My first wife, was a codependent, incest survivor. While she didn’t drink much, everyone of her sisters (including her) had married alcoholics-addicts.

My present wife, Betty, quit drinking when I started dating her. Though, she really never drank much. Her ex is still a very active destructive drunk. It was my efforts not to find a codependent and my wife’s efforts not to find a drunk, that brought us together.

It’s in us. It’s bred in us. No matter how sick or dysfunctional a relationship can be, if we’re comfortable with it, we believe somewhere in the back of our mind that we can make it better. The fact is, you can not make it better. The only thing you can do is make yourself - better! Then you can have the freedom of choice to, hopefully, make a healthy choice. But no matter how healthy you think you are, you will always be drawn to that “sick” relationship. Then and only then will you be able to see how healthy you are. Will you walk away, knowing that your own health is at risk? Or will you be sucked in?

No comments: