For
years the start of a new year, for me, was the start of stressful
times. The joy of celebrating Christmas was over and now the reality
was setting in. How was I going to pay for all of this? I gave the
kids some amazing gifts… everyone of them was paid for with a
credit card. Not one card, not even two cards… at least three
cards, maybe four.
The
time was coming that payments would be due. Of course, there was no
way I could pay them off in full. Not all four anyway. Hell, I
couldn’t pay one of them off, why even think about four? So began
the minimum payment cycle on all of them. Months would pass and it
seemed like I hadn’t paid anything on them. My checking account
was getting smaller but the balance on those cards didn’t seem to
be shrinking at all.
I
look back at those days and see how insane they were. I was trying
to buy love. What was really amazing was how much control children
had over me. They were great manipulators and knew how to fill my
head with shame for broken promises throughout the year. I can’t
blame them. They were kids, I was suppose to be the one in charge.
And certainly, I was the one supposedly in charge of the money.
I
was the one who knew how much money I had for gifts, not including
credit cards, yet it never seemed to be enough. I can still catch
myself in that trap of thinking that the gifts I gave were not
enough. The other part of it is when do I quit giving gifts to the
ungrateful?
For
years I have given money to my kids, so their families and their kids
can have a nice Christmas without falling into the traps I fell into.
Yet, not once in over
a dozen years did I ever get a thank you note, heck I rarely even got
a Christmas card. Don’t mean to sound like I’m whining, my
question is when do we stop trying to buy love and just move on?
This
past holiday season I saw in myself how much of an addiction the
holidays can be. I purchased a beautiful gift for my wife. One
gift. Then my mind started wondering. Is that enough? Surely, I
can find something else! I searched and looked and in the end I
stayed with that one gift. I did also get a Christmas card for her
and that was it.
When
we opened our gifts she loved her card and two days later was still
looking at it with love. The expression she had when she held her
gift wrapped present was priceless. It is a photo that I will have
in my mind forever.
It
was perfect. One gift. Perfection. She didn’t want more… nor
ask for more. One gift. And the ultimate gift? It is paid for and
the books on this Christmas are closed – paid in full.
My
life has been always trying to please others. The best way I knew
how to do that was by buying their acceptance. The
messages of my childhood that I was “less than” has stayed with
me my whole life. Getting rid of those messages is a daily struggle.
I don’t need to buy love. I don’t need to do anything special
to earn acceptance. I don’t need to lose my own identity to please
others because in the end, by doing so, I’ll never please myself.
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