07 January 2012

Actualizing our memories

The Law of Actualization states that we are all the ultimate creators of our own experience and our reciprocally shared realities.

I thought about this Law for awhile and what it all entailed. Everything I have ever done has become an experience and every experience has become a memory. Like a computer storing loads of information our subconscious has stored memories from a lifetime.

Everything I ever saw, or touched, or tasted, or felt are part of who I am. My fear of intimacy started from childhood being raised in an alcoholic home. I did not witness true caring and supportive love growing up. I witnessed violence and anger. Those early memories became part of my early relationships.

Sobriety showed me that these experiences needed to change if I ever wanted to give love and be loved. So instead of looking at my parents for the lessons I would need... I looked a memories without them. The love I saw between an Aunt and Uncle, who along with their four sons would take me to upstate New York for mini-vacations.

I was raised in a time where divorces were a sign of failure. I watched a loveless marriage end in death. A death that was not peaceful... it was a death of addiction and violence. A marriage which literally was, “till death do we part.”

I have walked away from a couple of marriages, partially because of these old experiences, which made me feel like a failure. Though, the reason I walked away was because memories told me that I could do better. Not in a relationship, rather with my own growth and my own journey.

I quit living in those relationships and just survived, like my parents did in their marriage. Every time I walked away, I ended up close to homelessness. The last time I moved in the coldest part of winter and worried about freezing to death... just like my Mom.

As I look back in hindsight, I can see that my path has been very similar to my parents. NLP has shown me that there are ways to change the past... the memories are still there... the experiences though have changed.

I can visual a future with good memories and happy experiences... from the day I was born till right now... the key is for me, as an alcoholic, an addict, an adult child, and a codependent is not to be the victim.

Every day is a new day with new experiences on our journey...

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