28 April 2011

A new life with a moral inventory

Step Four of CODA states, "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

It is impossible to talk about the 12 steps, without talking about spirituality. I'm not talking about religion. They are not one of a kind. Spirituality is for those who have been in hell, while religion is for people scared of going to hell.

I believe that a spiritual person lives their life in this world. They are not worried about what lies in the next life. If they manage to find a sense of serenity in this world everything else will take care of itself.

I do believe this and try my best to stay "in the now". I have had a couple of real life "burning bush" experiences with my Higher Power and it taught me that the next life doesn't mean anything - if I can't find peace in this one.

I don't say this as a way of sounding "like a man", but rather as a fact I believe. I do not fear death. I seen death, as a child, in an abusive home. I've seen death through an overdose. And I've seen death in an attempted suicide. What I seen in death was no better than what I was running from in life.

Somehow I needed to find life - in this life. I needed to find it without alcohol or drugs and without worshipping a false god (my co-dependency). It was through a moral searching inventory that I seen the hell I had created. A hell that I was accustomed too and one which I wasn't sure I wanted to escape.

I also realized that there was no need to worry about the next life, if I couldn't find a way to live in this one. To find a reason to live in this life not only did I need to take a personal inventory but I also needed to find gratitude.

I had never looked for the answers as to why I am here. What gifts were given to me by my Higher Power that I never nourished nor acknowledged?

When I found that gratitude I began to understand the gifts and I knew that this life, this journey, could be filled with rewards.

Maybe not financially or materialistically, but rather spiritually. By building a strong foundation with the first three steps, I was given the strength and courage to do the fourth step.

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