14 April 2011

Never Dreamed of the best

The 12th Promise of the Adult Children of Alcoholics Fellowship says, "Gradually, with our Higher Power's help, we learn to expect the best and get it."

Growing up I never thought about the best. I just wanted to survive. I hated my childhood. I lived in fear of a drunk father killing my mom. I lived in fear of a drunk brother killing another brother.

I hated the yelling… I hated the screaming. Looking back at it, there was nothing that I enjoyed about my childhood… I repeat nothing.

I grew up feeling inferior. I grew up having no idea how to relate to classmates or neighbors. My best was keeping my mouth shut and just trying to blend in without attracting attention.

The best for me was about keeping the family secrets. By doing that no one could see my fear or my insecurities. My best was knowing that no one would be close to me. It was the only way that I could feel safe.

When I quit drinking and began working the 12 Steps I began to see that those messages that I learned as a child didn’t need to be in my life as an adult. With sobriety I found spirituality and with that I found a Higher Power.

This Higher Power taught me that I did deserve the best… not necessarily because I earned it… but rather because as a child of God it was my right… I was entitled to the best.

It took a long time and I still haven’t gotten it mastered but I do expect the best. I look at my goals and dreams and I see happy endings, where I used to have an attitude of gloom and doom.

The choice is mine and even if things don’t turn out the way I hope… today I am thankful because they do turn out the way they were intended… the way my Higher Power wants them to turn out.

Yes today I do expect the best and when it happens I am in shock because it is still new to me… but more then that I am thankful because I know I deserve it.

1 comment:

  1. From Authors Den

    Reviewed by karen jane (Reader) 1/28/2011
    I try to remember I am a child of God - who loves me very much but those old messages can still haunt me. Thank you for sharing Dave.

    Reviewed by John Bidwell 1/27/2011
    Thanks for sharing an important message.