11 April 2011

Leaving Rage For Peace

The sixth promise of ACOA says, "We will enjoy feeling stable, peaceful, and financially secure."

Leaving Rage For Peace

Is it possible to find stability and peace
from a lifetime of terror... and nightmares
the blood curdling screams... are still quite fresh
pretending to be asleep... hoping the touches wouldn't start
the only stability I had were thoughts...
of your death... my death

peace was found only outside the home
and that... was short lived
legs got heavier with every step
turning a doorknob that returned me to hell
a world I couldn't escape...
yet so desperately wanted to end

from this childhood... I grew
finding insecurity... anger... rage
so desperately wanted friends
yet pushed them away
painfully wanted to be loved
yet sabotaged this as well

undeserving of friendship
undeserving of love
totally believing the messages
parents wouldn't lie
just no good... to myself...
to others... so much wanted to die
yet couldn't even accomplish that

you know what mom and dad?
you were wrong!
your shame was yours... not mine
and I won't keep it anymore
physically I grew
emotionally I froze
until I screamed... no more!!!

I still battle you every day
yet... I refuse to listen
to messages of destruction
I do deserve to be at peace and find stability
I'll continue to search...
and pray for God's Grace
everyday I find some hope
everyday a little more peace
everyday a little more stability and security

it's fragile at best
and I cherish every moment
that it is granted to me...
and I pray I learn to embrace it
instead of chasing it away

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