22 April 2011

Finding hopes and dreams

Step Two of Self-Parenting says, "Find hope in the belief that recovery is possible through faith and an acceptance of the fact that we are never really alone."

Hope and dreams that is what my whole recovery is based on. Two things that I didn't have as a child. My hope as a child was that I wouldn't be present if my dad killed mom. My dream was getting to my 18th birthday so I could leave. As a child this hope and dream became a reality. Recovery, I believed, was nothing more then abandoning my past by moving 1,500 miles from my home.

The first part of the step, "Find hope in the belief that recovery is possible through faith," didn't take place for another 18 years. Broken relationships, lost jobs, drunk driving, two marriages, and homelessness showed me that I just couldn't run away from my past.

AA taught me that I will not regret the past, nor would I want to shut the door on it. It was from this premise that I knew a miracle was waiting if I wanted to revisit my past and try to make some sense of what happened. Step One showed me that I was powerless, so now I could look at my past for the first time through the eyes of a child.

But as an innocent child I needed a guide. Someone I could trust in and give my faith too. This was no easy task since I lost faith in everything and everyone so long ago. It was not easy. I was disgusted and fed up with the idea that something I couldn't see would be the force I needed to turn too. What got me going on that path, was that scared little boy, buried deep within me, who somehow still believed in dreams and still had hope that they could come to life. And like most children, he was ready to give faith a second chance.

With just that little glimmer of hope, I was ready for the rest of this step, "An acceptance of the fact that we are never really alone." I had the hope and I had the faith and when I accepted that I realized the fact, that I was never really alone.

I couldn't say that as a child, maybe my Higher Power was there, but it's hard to accept that He couldn't have protected me. And I've never liked the statement that, "He was there, it was you who left Him." I was a child, if I left Him, then He as my guardian should have found me.

But now, a new relationship was started. One where I would honor Him and try my best to carry out His will and in return He would help me and protect me. So far, this relationship has worked out marvelously and I do know that I am never alone.

The Self-Parenting Steps were written by Patricia O'Gorman, Ph.D. and Philip Diaz, M.S.W., authors of the book with the same name...

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