04 July 2012

The struggle of accepting help...

Let Go Snowie. Allow others to help you. Why all the barriers?(still)

I have been pondering my default setting of being inately suspicious of, and shying away from help from others.  I'm not talking about help from 'professionals', but help from those who are 'close to' and 'know' me.


I believe it was because as a child and often as an adult, nothing seemed to come without conditionality or a price.  Recently I have had an offer of help from my boyfriend. Not a big issue - just an offer to buy  me something  that would make my life easier. I have accepted but have felt 'strange' and 'confused' about it, but at the same time, I want to cry at his kindness.

I also feel ashamed that I  have caused him to feel extremely cautious of and almost afraid to offer to help me. Sadly I feel my own self centred fears have caused him to feel that he cannot  freely and openly even ask!  He cannot be sure of my reaction. I cannot be sure of my reaction!

Do I really think I am the only person in the world who can freely and lovingly 'give' or 'offer' help to people without looking for something in return? How arrogant does THAT appear? Unacceptable.

Yet again, I am allowing the sick influences and programing  from my past environment and experiences to affect me now!

I have a lot to learn.


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