04 July 2011

I did the best I could and it wasn't good enough...

My mind is filled with thoughts of how we treat others. The article of the month speaks about it as well. To me the worst thing one human being can do to another is take them for granted... to treat them like they will always be there. To not acknowledge them as a human being. A being perfectly created by God.

Last week someone I knew took their life. They were taken for granted... they were ignored. There feelings didn't matter. They fought addiction and I thought they were very strong in their program, so it came as a shock and a surprised when I heard what had happened.

They were beaten... not physically... but mentally. Their worth was reduced to a pile of rubbish... thrown out like yesterday's garbage. They were controlled and abused. The type of abuse that never left a mark. An abuse which they couldn't handle any longer and they ended their life.

What would have happened if this person would have had their own Independence Day? If they would have stood up to abuse and say, “I am worth it and I won't tolerate this anymore.” Part of verbal abuse is codependency. The one being abused feel like they have to do more for their abuser. I speak from experience on that.

I have been verbally abused in a relationship. To be made to feel “less then.” A sick wife, who I couldn't do anything right for... or not enough. I still remember one long winter, everyday it seemed to snow. Everyday I would shovel snow at our home for two hours, keeping the walks open and the driveway open.

Everyday, after an hour, I would quit and take a break I would go and defrost inside with a cup of coffee. Then one day, when I was done, I came in cold yet sweating. I grabbed a cup of hot coffee and started some bath water. All I wanted was a nice hot bath to relax my back and to warm back up. Instead I was greeted with, “Did you get the mail?” No notice of what I did or how long I had worked on doing it. Just one question. “Did you get the mail?”

I exploded. No, I didn't get it and I have no plans of getting it. What I got back was a statement hoping to make me feel guilty, “Why are you so mean?”

I wasn't mean. For the first time, I was being nice – to myself. For years I allowed the abuse to take place and I sat in silence, walking on eggshells, trying not to rock the boat. I quit living and I prayed every night to die. Not only was I being verbally abused but I was also allowing myself to abuse myself.

I had made my life worthless. All of this done and I never had a black eye or a bruise... but my soul was destroyed. What I realize now is I allowed the abuse to take place and I didn't have too. I deserve happiness, we all do, and if someone can't acknowledge that then we have a right to our own Independence Day.

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