16 June 2011

I Was Powerless

I grew up in an alcoholic home. Both of my parents were alcoholics. I share the stories of this nightmare in my three books. But it all came down to one basic premise. My mom was out of control, my dad was out of control, and they were in control of me.

That is a pretty scary thought for any child. But as any child will do in this type of situation they begin to take on the guilt of a failed marriage and the broken dreams of his parents. If only I got an A on that last math test mom and dad wouldn't have gotten drunk. If only I ate my whole supper dad wouldn't have beaten me.

It is a vicious cycle for a child to grow up in and one that is also hard to leave behind. It took me years... many years... to realize that I was child and I was powerless. I just couldn't pack my bags when I was seven years old and say, "Mom and dad I'm leaving, if you want me to move back home... get help."

But it was from this inner death that life was born. For every child that has been abused, for every alcoholic and addict that recovers, there is hope.

There is life after death in this world. Spiritually we're reborn and a new journey starts. As a child, I learned how to survive. I lied, I stole, and I manipulated. I did anything I could to try and bring a little sanity into a very toxic home.

I carried these traits into adulthood and became the perfect victim. Two divorces, numerous run ins with the law, many lost jobs, and homelessness. I would still have that insanity if I never came to the conclusion that, "I am Powerless."

Thank you God, for a second chance...

I Was Powerless

I was powerless...
as a child when my parents drank
I couldn't make them stop
before they got drunk

I was powerless...
of my fears wondering
if dad would kill mom
or would he sleep with me

I was powerless...
to be my dad's wife
or my mom's husband
I couldn't protect them

I was powerless...
of the shame and guilt
because mom drank herself to death
I couldn't have done more

I was powerless...
of the insane battles
my brothers fought
it was their war

I was powerless...
I was a child...
who needed love
and got none

I was powerless...

1 comment:

  1. Thoughts from the website "Authors Den"

    Reviewed by S. GRENON_SOULFUL Poetess for YOU. 7/10/2009
    I would think this will be a GREAT healing for within (YOUR CHILD) Such sadness, pain and confusion, what a video too Dave! My heart is with you ! I've been there too!
    WE do blame ourselves, or did!

    Purple Passions, SHEExooo

    WRITE ON and HELP and Inspire Others, as you powerfully do!
    Thank you for sharing 'YOU', your pain and life (as you sadly knew it) and now of HOPE!

    Reviewed by Edwin Hurdle 5/20/2009
    Hey Dave,this is a very emotional and powerful poem you have written.I am sorry that you had to go through that terrible ordeal as a boy.With the message that you have send,you can help a lot of people to overcome this fear of being powerless and realized that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that they can get the help that they need.Thank you for sharing this poem and your experiences.take care


    Reviewed by Linda Settles 5/17/2009
    Powerful write, Dave and beautifully done. I watched the video with tears in my heart. Keep writing and keep reaching out with your message of hope.

    Reviewed by Barbara Henry 5/17/2009
    This is such a powerfully moving poem that expresses the helplessness you obviously experienced.
    Now,with words,you can use your power,as you are doing,to help others in similar situations find their power.
    I know you will have much success.
    Barbara Henry

    Reviewed by Felix Perry 5/17/2009
    It is so sad that children pay for what their guardians do. I have seen relatives who were the victims of such crimes and they have spent a lifetime of tears because of this.


    Reviewed by Mary Lacey 5/17/2009

    I'm sorry you had to through a nightmare of a life, I can't imagine. I saw you're video, you may have been powerless, but it was powerful. But if the last line before the poem is true, than I'm happy for you and wish you all the luck in the world.