21 April 2011

Couldn't do it myself...

The 12th AA Promise says, "We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

When I drank I had grand illusions of being famous. I had a dream of people needing me - just for their own survival. Oh yes, I would be a god to so many people. And in my drunken haze I believed I had all the power.

But with this power, I began to understand that for things to remain perfect, I would have to at times be more in control of people. They had to keep being told that their survival was based on me. But things changed. They rebelled more and no matter how hard I tried my power was weakening.

Sobriety has showed me that I am powerless. My life means nothing if I don't have a close contact with my Higher Power. And the first thing He taught me was that I needed to surrender. That wasn't easy. I was used to being a god and now for me to get back my life, I needed to surrender to a God who has more power then me.

Reluctantly, I knew the life I had was over. It needed to change before I killed myself or someone else. I was scared and so lonely. But suddenly I understood that being around people didn't make me feel comfortable. I was still lonely. But now even though at times I may be alone, I will never be lonely.

This feeling brought me peace and serenity. And I felt comfortable living my life by His rules. I don't know exactly how it happened or when it happen, but God was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself.

And that for me was being honest with myself. That things were changing not only in the outside world, but most importantly inside of me. I felt alive and I felt His love. Yes, I was no longer alone and with him in charge, my life had become quite manageable.

No comments: