The third Step of CODA says, "Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God."
Higher Powers come in many shapes and forms. And most of the time these powers, for awhile, give us the illusion of being happy and at peace. We seek their approval and praise by any means, including our own self-worth.
It is through this "worship" that we become lost. We believe that by being "loyal subjects" we should have the attention from this person all the time. I hate trying to tell someone who is reading this about generalities. If you have been part of the Creating Dreams community for any amount of time, you know that I speak from personal experiences. The person I have spoken about in these few short sentences is my ex-wife.
My life was out of control. I chased a woman who at first loved the attention, until it smothered her. It is through my chasing and controlling that I began to see the lies, the games, and the manipulation. I don't mean for this to sound bitter because these games went both ways.
By the time I reached the third step I knew that my way of life was dysfunctional. I knew my relationship was dysfunctional. It was time for me to surrender. By surrendering I didn't give up on my marriage or my ex-wife. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I was not only setting myself free but I was also setting her free. It was through this freedom, that I hoped we could grow together.
Unfortunately, for us it didn't work out that way. What was growth for me, wasn't what my ex had envisioned. And what she considered growth, I considered a journey down that same dysfunctional past.
Sometimes for growth to occur we need to cut all ties with our past. We literally need to take a leap of faith. All I knew for 10 plus years in our relationship was how to take care of my ex-wife. It was my purpose in life.
When things started going wrong not only as a husband but also as a parent is when things totally spun out of control. The more I tried to "fix" my family the more "broke" we became. Like my addiction to alcohol, I had hit lows I never dreamed were possible. And as with my recovery from booze, I was filled with a deep sense of shame.