Alone

Step Seven of AA - "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."

As a product of a home that was out of control, I speak from experience about the power of being alone. As a child, you can create your own games or come up with imaginary friends as coping skills. In a dysfunctional home, being alone is a survival tool. If you’re lucky you grow out of it and realize that as a child you had no power or control to change things around you.

I never grew out of it. As a young adult I learned that alcohol and drugs would become a new game that would keep me alone. Again, it started out as a survival skill, but over time it changed into a death wish. I could no longer deal with the pain of the past or the pain of the present.

When sobriety came, being alone once again became a new skill. But unlike the past it was no longer about survival. Being alone became a time to reflect, a time to meditate, a time to recharge my energy levels. Being alone became a powerful tool in my early recovery and is still a valuable asset today.

By being alone, it became possible to be with others...


Alone

As a child life wasn’t the same
I knew you could see
The words… led to shame
And I wondered – would I ever be free?

Eyes blinded to what you saw
Thought my silence would help me win
I had no faith in the law
Knew how to cry… but no idea how to grin

Alone… up went the wall
No time to feel… the heart broke
Alone… no excuse to fail or fall
Sought relief with a beer and a toke

Wondered if nightmares were my dreams
Tears flowed like a large fountain
Filled with rage… just wanted to scream
Overlooking land from atop the mountain

Not sure what I wanted to see
Alone… with three brothers
I just dreamed of quiet… being free
Alone… with father and mother

There was security in being alone
No yelling or screaming… but yet I died
Wouldn’t get hurt being on my own
But I buried the truth… constantly lied

Alone became my saving grace
Being alone didn’t stop the pain
Alone… such a comfortable place
The memories drove me insane

Alone with bottles and cans
Not sure how to act… what to do
Finally realizing… to be a man
There can’t be just me… there has to be a you