I know there is no such thing as a day having power over me or controlling me... but February 5th is a day that comes very close to it...
35 years ago my mom was found dead. Her body was frozen to the ground next to a railroad track about 100 feet behind a bar. She died drunk. At the time I was happy because I thought that the insanity of my home life would change. Now I look back with a heavy heart wondering what kind of life we might have had if she never drank at all.
24 years ago a very dear friend passed away. He had a heart attack... he was a man who very much became a dad I never had. Very laid back... a man I would do anything for.
11 years ago, an 18 year old angel died in my home. She was my step-sons girlfriend and just a very precious and beautiful young lady. She died from a rare heart defect.
8 years ago, my mentor passed away. A fine man who had so much patience and understanding. He took me under his wing and thought me how to write with passion and from the heart.
All left this world today, February 5th, and no matter how much I try to move past it... it still affects me... so much death on one day...
Last year, I thought I had finally moved past this date... and today proved to me how much it still affects me. I went to a meeting tonight (AA) and I shared this story and this date with them and as I got halfway through it a light bulb came on. In a way it was a rude awakening but I am glad I woke up.
For years I have looked at this day as a day of mourning and wondering why all on the same day? Tonight, I realized, I don't need to mourn these folks but be grateful to my HP for bringing them into my life. They all taught me valuable lessons that I am still learning. And today they were all part of my life.
Let me explain...
Not intentionally, but I was confronted about a game I was playing. A manipulative game. Again, like I said, it wasn't intentional but after it was explained to me... I was indeed playing a game. Those games that my mom and me too, played so well.
After confronted with it, I did make amends but still felt rather bad about it all. And then I could see my "adopted" dad, sitting at the kitchen table... me and him talking over a cup of coffee. Looking over the top of his glasses.... asking me if I learned anything and I would say yes. Then he would ask me if history would repeat itself or was I done with it. He was a very laid back man... if there was some guy who I could enjoy watching the grass grow with it would be him. After I told him it was a one time mistake... that I learned my lesson... he would tell me.... good and then we would change the subject.
That 18 year old angel would smile at me, probably hug me and tell me that the person would realize how I felt and that I never meant any harm.
And my writing mentor... would tell me to do what I am doing now... writing about it. Yes, all four of them were with me today.... and I continue to learn from all four of them everyday.
I've got to remember this next year... it isn't a day of mourning but a day of gratitude because they have all played valuable parts in my life....