24 June 2010

Goals

When I found the gift of sobriety... I tried to acquire two, what I thought were simple goals.

The first one was that I wanted to live a "boring" life. And what I mean by boring is a simple life. I didn't want the drama that I had in my past. I didn't want to be known by the police or stick out in a crowd. A simple life meant to me that I would no longer be in competition with anyone. Though at times, I have strayed from this goal... I always do find my way back to that "boring" life.

The second goal was to never intentionally hurt anyone. The key word being "intentionally." I would not plan the destruction of anyone or rally troops against anyone, or use manipulation to inflict pain. The "intentionally" part I have done well. It's the unintentional that I struggle with.

It is amazing how without trying I can inadvertently hurt someone. Words that are misunderstood or just a simple form of miscommunication. In the past, I always tried to explain what happened and how it was unintentional.

Now I realize that by me trying to explain what was said or what happened I am trying to push the misunderstanding back on the other person. Which was the furthest thing I wanted to do.

The next step on meeting my second goal, is to accept that unintentionally I can hurt others. And with that hurt... the last thing they want is an explanation. I just need to make amends and learn from my mistakes.

Everyday on this journey I learn more about myself and my past and how it still haunts me today - whether intentionally or unintentionally. And the truth is - it hurts...

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