14 May 2010

Finding Intimacy with Vulnerability

I don't know if I can adequately share my belief on having a truly intimate relationship trying to use terms from a dictionary. But I think I can do it by sharing this experience in my life. Like I said earlier, I have always wanted an intimate friendship... and I finally found one. The first one in my life.

A little background, we knew each other before we became friends but not close. One day we just happened to cross paths and we talked. It was a wonderful simple conversation and in that simple exchange the seeds were planted for a friendship.

Over the next couple of days we talked some more and slowly a trusting intimate relationship was being built. And this is where I began to see that I wanted this friendship to last and maybe grow. And for the first time in my life I truly wanted (and needed) to be vulnerable.

So I shared and what I said was accepted... I wasn't ridiculed or mocked because of the way I felt or what I had done in the past. Then they shared a very personal part of their life with me. What was shared was said so innocently, that I couldn't help but laugh. I mean it was a very hardy laugh. They looked at me with some bewilderment, not knowing how to receive my laugh.

And finally after I regained my composure I told this person what I was laughing at and they understood that I was laughing at them... but rather laughing with them. What they were a little ashamed of... to me was something to be admired.

But none of it would have taken place, if at first I wasn't willing to be vulnerable and it was with my being vulnerable, that they felt comfortable enough to feel the same way.

And if I had those walls up, there was no way I could have shared a wonderful laugh with them. That day was the start of a wonderful intimate relationship. One that continues to grow. I believe, the main reason it is growing that no matter what we have shared with each other, it has never been received with ridicule or being mocked.

About a week after I had my laugh it was their turn to laugh with me at something I shared. It was through this person's laugh that I was able to laugh at myself and not be so darn serious about my flaws.

I know with all my heart that I can tell them anything and not be shamed for it... and I believe they feel the same way.

I have other friendships that mean a lot to me... but none of them is as intimate as this one. I guess for me... through this relationship not once have I ever felt mocked or ridiculed... I guess it is because of the way their message is received by me. I don't see them as a threat... or in any way breaking the confidence I have given them.

I hope some of this makes sense... all I can say it is truly the first friendship that I have ever had where I feel safe being 100% totally open and being 100% totally honest without having to explain my feelings.

And for me the only way it was ever possible was because I was willing to be vulnerable and let someone see how much I hurt and how insecure I can be...

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