25 May 2009
Have you ever noticed?
I have spent the majority of my life in dysfunctional relationships or families. Have you ever noticed how when “s— hits the fan” someone is quick to blame their problems on someone else? As an alcoholic, I often blamed my drinking on my childhood, a cheating girlfriend, horrible people to work with - the list was endless. Until I accepted responsibility for my own actions there was no way any one could help me, nor was I open for any type of help.
I’ve watched families fall apart because someone blames another for not only their own inadequate ability to deal with reality. Not only is the person blamed for the problems of another - but the problems of the whole family. I’ve witnessed this first hand to the point where no one could accept responsibility for their own actions - leading to a feud that has lasted for well over 20 years.
As a step-parent I’ve seen this happen first hand. Admittedly some of the anger and blame was deserved. But not all of it. When a child is trapped in their own addictions and lies - who is the easiest person to blame? The evil step-parent. This is where my own recovery has helped me. Not to take these attacks as something personal. Because it isn’t. I know that. It is the functioning of a sick mind trying to stay alive.
“Dave made me eat my carrots, that’s why I drink.” “He expects me to buy my own car.” Again, the list is endless. And as long as alcohol and drugs are part of the picture - the anger and the denial will live on. I’ve seen to much destruction because someone wants “to cut loose.” I’ve seen families destroyed, parents alienated from their children, siblings not wanting to be in the company of each other.
It hurts because I’ve been on both ends of the stick. All I can do is offer my support and pray. A life with booze and drugs may seem cool when it starts. In fact, it is!!! I had a blast in my early years, until addiction destroyed me and every one around me. So how do you tell someone who is still having fun with booze and drugs - that the road ahead is a dead end? And at the end of it is a cliff. One you will jump off of just to have your next drink. PLEASE stop now and get back on the right road.
It will be scary. It was for me. I had no idea how to live life without booze and drugs - I became a child again and every day I’m still learning. And that’s OK.